New Year, Old Me
It's been a month since I posted anything in my diary and there's a few reasons for that.. First of all, I'm starting to feel weirdly exposed here when talking about things, I don't know why. I have a blog that's a bit more private where I've been talking about my life a bit, so I was thinking of revamping this website and focusing mostly on my weirdly messy, blogposty reviews. It's kind of in the works but I can't for the life of me decide how to make the site look like. I have so many graphics and pictures I'd like to use and they all have vastly different vibes...

Second reason is, I bought a little notebook and started writing in it! I really want to let my hands write physically again, because my handwriting is awful to say the least. It's funny, I mostly write about online things in my notebook, while my blog is for real life stuff.

And then there's also the fact that I'm kind of busy, while being stuck in my usual executive dysfunction mode. It's time to really admit to myself it's a problem, and the pandemic really helped in worsening that state. I'm trying to be productive, I'm even getting my health exam done for my driving license this week, after delaying it for so long. And today I'm seeing my mentor for my undergrad thesis. Yup, it's been 2 years and I still haven't finished it. It's ridiculous to think I wrote so many huge essays and seminars throughout my life, especially during uni, I can dish out 5000 word rants on anime and dress-up games in a matter of minutes but I'm stuck with a simple 25 page thesis on a topic that actually also interests me. Dear god.

So yeah, during periods like these I kind of shut down internally, and lose the desire to talk or write about my life - for myself. I feel embarrassed for myself in the future reading this lmao.
29th of November: Quick life update, Gone Girl
I haven't written anything in a while because of a couple of things. First I have to finish a few books for uni so all of my brain power is currently being sent in that direction but at the same time I'm procrastinating a bit which means I'm doing literally nothing. I've also been busy with other life related things and... something pretty bad happened but if I wrote about it here I'd doxx myself even more than I have already so I can't really write about it. Just another obstacle in my mess of a life. Something good might come out of it though, I might finally start the process of getting a drivers licence... Better late than never. I was actually supposed to get it at 18 but my dad drank away all that money my parents saved for me so :). After that life happened, and as it turns out getting a drivers licence while in a long distance relationship is kind of hard to do when all of your money is being spent on plane tickets. But this is still a maybe, nothing in my life is certain it seems, everything might go back to normal instead.
Life troubles aside, I noticed a really weird trend lately. If anyone from Eastern Europe/Balkans is reading this, do let me know if you noticed the same. A lot of my former classmates and people I know generally are suddenly visiting muslim countries ONLY. Tunisia, Turkey, UAE, Saudi Arabia, Egypt.. The list goes on?? If I ever dare to check facebook, all I see are stories from my female friends covered head to toe in deserts lmfao. Are these countries just super cheap to visit right now or what... I know Turkeys currency went way down but man this has been happening for the last 3 years.
I finally watched Gone Girl, after years and years of hearing about it. Don't read the rest of this entry if you don't want to be spoiled lmao. My sister urging me to do it recently finally made me watch it. I already knew practically everything important about it, the Cool Girl monologue, the Neil Patrick Harris scene, the whole plot and all... But honestly I was a bit surprised by the ending of the Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss: The Movie. A lot of people praise it as this big feminist movie, but at the end she stays with her husband? Really? I like movies about women losing their minds though, so I found it really entertaining and fun, but everything I heard about it against my will in the past kind of gave me a totally different idea of the ending and the whole point of the movie. She's just stuck with her asshole husband, and for what? Yes yes she got him good and all that, but idk, rubs me the wrong way. I revel in the fact her retard husband is going to be punished but at the same time she's going to waste her life on that which doesn't make it much different from just staying in the first place. Not exactly the feminist separatist idea I had in mind when going in lmao. I had the exact same feeling when watching Midsommar, also way later than it came out. I heard so much "yass girlpower feminist revenge fantasy" talk about it and.. she just got in a cult? And innocent people died - not just her asshole boyfriend, so what's the point really? I know a part of it is memes, but sometimes it feels like people miss the point of movies really hard. Like the media I watch doesn't have to be perfectly feminist or whatever x ideology I'm into, I just hate when it's being touted as such when it isn't? Maybe the Cool Girl monologue made a lot of points and female rage is great but then the ending just goes back on all of that! I was also really interested to see why exactly the main character was so hated by her husbands twin sister. She was a bitch, why? Maybe the book gave more context on that, but I have this thing where I just can't bring myself to read the source material after I watch a movie, except for Harry Potter, so I guess I'll never know. I don't have this issue with manga interestingly enough.
16th of November: Ranting about... Internet related things
Everything that's been happening online lately has been pissing me off, I really need to take a step back a bit. First the Twitter thing. Elon Musk is a retard, but why are twitter users so outraged anyway? Do they seriously think all of the past Twitter ceo's are magically better people just because they don't have a cringy online presence? That they always had the userbase's best interests in mind? Hint: they didn't. At the very least, twitter is extremely unpopular in my country, to the point that if you meet someone that publicly says they're a twitter user you can safely discard them into the "most likely cringe, tries really hard to be liked by americans for some reason" bin. All huge social media is cancer.
Then the blue check marks. Oh goddddddddddd. First the ones on tumblr, they do the same thing twitter does but "ironically" so now it's funny. Either way you have to pay? Beats the point. Then the Neocities ones. Dear lord why would you associate neocities with twitter, even as a joke. I don't really care if disgruntled twitter users come here but this epic dunking on Musk by using the same methods he's using is idiocy to the highest degree. It's just not funny.
And lastly the.... dreamie... situation. I never want to speak about neocities drama ever again but - SHE SAID I WAS RIGHT WING BECAUSE I REVIEWED A BOOK THAT CRITICALLY TALKS ABOUT RIGHT WING WOMEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I had to get that out of my system. And no, I don't want "people like her" dead, what an emotional manipulator. I sincerely hope she'll go offline for a bit (who am I kidding) and learn to read books a bit further down than just the title. I think it would do her good!

Anyway, I really need to lay it off for a bit, for the past couple of days I've been using my valuable free time on absolute bullshit, and I couldn't pull myself away from the screen. Instead of actually talking with people I want to talk to. I started reading Danilo Kiš's biography written by Mark Thompson - some british historian dude that covered the war here in the 90s. It was recommended to me by my teacher, so far it seems good. Hope it'll help on the exam in February.
9th of November: Book fair, Dahmer and the court...
It's book fair season!!! I went yesterday, on the first day, with my mom and my sister. I love dressing up for it lol. I bought 5 books, 3 I really wanted to read and 2 random really cheap/used ones that caught my eye. One of them being volume 6 of Vampire Knight lmao. I have a small manga/book shelf I'm planning on scanning with my horrible old scanner, going to finally make a library gallery soon. Continuing with the trend from my last post, I overheard a funny conversation again, albeit this one was much shorter. I was standing next to a book stand full of fantasy books, naturally JKR was there in the mix, and I heard a girl loudly and proudly exclaim to her friend how she can't support the horrible licheral nazi author anymore and how she was so disappointed bla bla. Not even a sentence later, in the same breath she exclaims just as loudly how she's going to buy Lovecrafts books and finish her collection lmao. Like, girl!!!! The cognitive dissonance... Anyway, I'm not sure why but nothing makes me more excited than the silly book fair. It's such a shame they stopped selling as many trinkets/stationery as they did before when I was a child. But it's still a fun time regardless. I think I said the exact same thing last year.

Something I forgot to mention last time, but I watched Dahmer when I was with my sister. It was er... worse than I expected. Despite not really being into it, I have this weird tradition to binge watch true crime shows exclusively when I'm sleeping over at my sisters and so far most of the stuff we watched was pretty good but man... they really tried their best to make you feel horny for Dahmer, or Evan Peters, I guess. Half off topic but I just got reminded over how my ex had this weird period of being "into" Dahmer when he was like, 14. Anyway, it was uncomfortable to watch at parts and the jerking off scenes were promptly skipped by my foot while we were watching it together and cringing. At the same time, I'm really sick and tired of people (weirdly a lot of men) being so outraged because women found Evan Peters hot as Dahmer when that was clearly the point of many scenes and you can't really blame people for, well, falling for the trap I guess. There's this strange outrage culture/shade throwing/outward disgust/harsh judgement for women saying they find problematic men hot and it materialized specifically now in the form of annoying youtube liberal video essays which while I fully agree hybristophiles are strange and I don't think these kind of thoughts, if you have them, should really be vocalized very loudly out of some basic respect and decency, nor should you contact serial killers about how much you thirst for them, AT THE SAME TIME, I'm tired of women getting shat on for liking reenactments of shady men (directed by men lmao) when shady porn tropes will always be the first thing you see when you open pornhub and we all know how much men love their underage incest "rough sex" porn don't we... Being a chronical sufferer (believer?) of "I can fix him because I'm a turbo nlog" is the less harmful one in the grand scheme of things, yet I'm not seeing as many video essays talking about the porn tropes and what kind of harm they can cause by those concerned video essayists HMMMMM. Funnily enough just earlier today I saw this YouTube video of a man listing porn tropes to the police as a reason why he should be allowed to stalk a woman LMFAO what a coincidence. On the other hand, the amount of silly goofy one liners said by Evan Peters in the show that are now sounds on tiktok are just.. lmao! For a generation of young adults/teens that are so overly concerned and sensitive not to offend anyone, it sure is weird to see them handle the show in this way, even though the show made a point to make fun of it, even though the show did the exact same thing it made fun of, even though the show was really disrespectful to the victims... It's crazy on so many levels.

Phew, I sure went on a tangent there. Today I went to the court to take care of some more documents. It was the first time I ever went to the court, and it was an interesting experience to stand in line with a man in cuffs while I waited for my certificate of good conduct lol. During this week I had to take care of a lot of bureocratic stuff and all the ladies taking care of my requests were so nice and kind... Bit out of the ordinary but I'm not complaining. Despite the fact that we're like midway into autumn, the weather is still pretty sunny and comfortable during those 3-4 hours of sunlight, then it goes back to like 12-4°C. I remember last year was pretty depressing during this time, but no doubt the rainy days are coming soon.

Oh and if you're reading this and I haven't replied to your e-mails in a while (or at all), I'm sorry I'll get to it soon, my computer time is a bit limited at the moment but this weekend I should have enough time if my plans to visit my friend get delayed.. I also have some people I've been meaning to contact but I keep delaying it agh!!!
6th of November: Docs, incels in public transport, more Kingdom Hearts
I'm back in my country, visiting my family and getting some documents like my passport sorted out, that's why I haven't written anything for a while. I spent the last 4 days at my sister's place and we had so much fun. I finally bought a classic pair of docs, my sister bought the Jadons. As much as I like platform boots, I prefer to be closer to the ground and to be able to run comfortably and I always feels obstructed in anything with a platform. When I want to look pretty I do have a pair of platformed derbies from Zara, from last year I think. But these will be everyday wear so.. I used to own a pair of 1461 martens, the derbies, and they wrecked my feet so badly. I tried to break them in for 2 years, to no avail. I gave up and sold them, and learned my lesson - go a size up. Now I bought these and have been wearing them for 3 days non-stop with no issues so, yay! It sucks that a lot of more quality boots that I see people talk about online just aren't available here, and the shipping would cost too much, so I had to settle for these, kind of. Hoping they'll last long at least. I also really hate ordering shoes online, if I can't try them on first I don't want to buy them.
The day I was on my way to visit my sister, I was taking the tram as I would usually. Across from me, which is like half a meter away, were two young men, uni aged, I'd say around 20 max, younger than me for sure. One of them had greasy, slicked back mid length hair that could've used a trim, with a light blue linen two piece suit, I assumed he was going to or from some event, but either way the choice of suit was really weird for men in my country. Behind him was a balding dude, wearing all black and a large leather jacket, his below average slavic pug face wrecked with pimples. I'm being harsh to his appearance, but it will play an important part in what's coming next. I'm minding my own business until I hear the baldie say "my sister is a huge whore". It sounds less harsh in english, but saying whore in the way he said it is extremely disrespectful, especially towards someones sibling. "If I ever met her boyfriend, I would brutally beat both of them", he continues. The guy in the suit asks him why, and how old was she. The baldie says she's 17 and that she gets too emotionally invested in her relationships. Which sounds like the weirdest reason to call a young girl a whore lmao. This snippet of their conversation really piqued my interest, so I continued to listen. Their next conversation, led by baldie again, was about finding ideal women. "My ideal girlfriend would have to be religious. But there must be like two religious girls max in this city. I'd want somebody really devoted.", yeah, sure, guy who calls his own sister a whore, I'm sure a nice religious girl would love that display of love and kindness. The suit dude seems a bit perplexed because after all, this is a pretty catholic country, and we do have a lot of religious, timid girls suffering from arrested development due to their wonderful upbringing that would be an incels wet dream. These girls are usually also very active in the church and all kinds of similar communities, there's seriously no lack of them. So the suit guy asks him, why doesn't he just go to the church? "Oh, no no no, you see, the ones in the church are no good.", so the suit guy interjects and jokes how they're probably hypocrites, and not actually "real" catholics but the baldie replies with: "No, it's not just that. It's because women that attend the church are only after your money." - says a jobless man going to uni, who definitely does not have to worry about women going after his money. Then they talked something about politics which I wasn't able to hear well, but it was concluded with "non democratic societies are the best for men" to which the both agreed. Next they started joking about the suit guy because apparently this is how he dresses all the time, and baldies parents say he looks like a Mexican gangster. He does. Suit guy said something about baldies mom that I didn't hear well, but it ended with baldy saying "yes, opposites attract but I wouldn't want it that way", which made me think his dad is your typical low iq "catholic" retard and his mom is more chill as it is the norm here, and he has some kind of mommy issues due to it. After that they started insulting some girls in their university, how they're all ugly, while at the same time they sounded very excited over seeing them dressed more fancy, I'm assuming they're about to finish their bacchelors soon. Next theme was stocks. Baldie begins with a long monologue about how it was a smart idea to get into stocks and how he doesn't mind losing a 100€ here or there because after all, all the money he gets (keyword, gets not earns so I'm assuming it's from his parents) is spent only on food. The suit guy replies with "that's great, and this is why having no gf is great as well, you don't need to shower them with money, and spend absurd amounts of money on dates and gifts..." to which the baldie agrees. At this point, I know they've never talked with a normal woman in this country before, and all their ideas about dating came from american media and 4chan kek. In my whole life I've only met one couple that went to dates in restaurants in their early 20's. One. And they split it half half... Next theme was wet dreams, I kid you not. So the baldie asks the guy in the suit if he ever had wet dreams, to which he replies only once or twice. They started to go into the intricacies of realistic sex dreams but then segued into fitness, and how it's important to "get that energy out while exercising" instead of jerking off. Real mindblowing stuff.

I really had to write this all down so I can come back to it and laugh. It's like the baldie was reading through a bulletpoint list of the most common incel conversations. Thing is, I know my country has a lot of 4chan users. So many men I've met during my high school years and their friends were really open about it. Even at uni, I knew a group of dudes that would spout /fit/ memes in public. However, to be an unironic incel in my country has kind of been unheard of, because the way men here deal with loneliness, the way relationships and dating works here... it's a lot different. Men and women hang out together a lot more and when you're new in uni for example, it won't be weird to strike up random conversations with strangers regarding homework etc and carry on from there. People regularly go on coffee breaks together and hang out, it's not something reserved only for your closest friends. There's really no such thing as going on expensive dates, or women having crazy expectations of luxurious gifts. On some level we all grew up or had experience with poverty and people aren't as big on consuming as americans are (when I see what kind of shit my american/western euro friends can afford on a whim despite "struggling" with money or calling themselves frugal...). So unless these men are shooting for the girl in 2016 instagram makeup, 5 inch heels and fake lashes and done up hair that regularly parties every weekend that's only in the church because her nephew is getting baptised, which lets be honest, they are, because their self admitted coomer brains are incapable of perceiving modest women as human no matter how much they say they want a gf like that they won't and shouldn't really have issues with getting a girlfriend. My ex was fat and not really good looking, yet he had another gf after me without issues despite also balding at that time lmao. I've seen 35 year old Shreks in local villages with their 20 year old wives. Poor girls because they don't know any better and don't have much choice over there, but my point is, men have it easy here when it comes to dating. They're coddled by their families, especially if they come from smaller towns and villages. Outside of the family they'll always have other men supporting their backs and being good friends. So idk. There's really no excuse you can make here for being totally alone. Even I had to make an effort to be alone, because people truly do love hanging out here. I could hit up my friends from high school and they most likely wouldn't hesitate on asking me for a coffee to catch up and give me a few hours of their time. So yeah, hearing two dudes here, spouting off random shit they read online reeks of laziness and not even attempting to try and socialize because if they did they definitely would not have issues in doing so. Baldie looks like any random man, the suit guy looks like he huffs his own farts but he seems like the more social one out of the two. Such a strange thing to witness...

I've been playing more Kingdom Hearts 3 and now I'm on the dlc optional boss fights and generally have been lurking around the KH community online. Everything has changed since I last "participated" in the community and it feels strange. I used to be a regular on the KH threads on.. /v/? It was before they became a normal ocurrence on /vg/ I think. Before DDD came out, I was so up to date to everything, but now the mobile games brought so much lore I feel like I don't understand shit, even though KH3 felt self-contained, it really wasn't. Another interesting thing I noticed is that back when I was deep into KH, people shat on KH2's combat soooo much. And I get why, it felt really floaty and a lot of the weight from KH1 was gone, things could be cheesed with reflect... It lost a lot of KH1's "oomph", but now everyone hails it as the peak! Meanwhile, KH3's combat seems to have a lot of hate, which I don't get. It has a lot of animation locks and feels clunkier, but I think that adds to the difficulty. If everything can just be cancelled then you don't have to be as careful. I do think the iframes are worse though. Maybe I learned to appreciate tolerate that due to playing TERA for so long.
14th of October: Weird encounters, Silent Hill 1
My diary entries are getting sparser, but that's mostly because I'm writing more reviews than usual so the urge to write isn't as strong. And frankly, not a whole lot of stuff has been going on these past two-three weeks. I had some of the worst PMS bloat I ever experienced, so I Was basically chained to the toilet for a while, because every bowel movement felt like oncoming diarrhea... It wasn't, but the anxiety was there regardless lmao.
My bowel issues aside, I had something really bizarre happen to me and my husband, when we were on a walk. We were walking near a local neighbourhood square and some event was going on so it was really loud, tons of people around. The square is surrounded by a couple of buildings - a residential building, one a big gym, and the third being a 2 floor small local mall full of defunct clothing stores, a few haircut places and a lot of lawyers and similar offices. Right in the middle of the mall is a big, brutalist building that looks completely out of place compared to the surrounding architecture. The building has some government offices in it but it also seems to have a residential function as well. The scene is set. My husband and I decide to walk into the mall and try to find the entrance to the building for shits and giggles. It's much warmer on the inside than on the outside, the air is really stiff. You can smell the a/c vent air combined with dust. Even though the mall is half open to the outside, you can barely hear the crowd at this point. We're walking around, whenever we take a turn everything looks the same. Finally we see a corner filled with boxes and old office chairs so we think we finally reached the end of this floor. As we take the hopefully last turn the passage abruptly transitions from "mall corridor" apparently mall corridors are called concourses, to "building stairway". The stairway was really dirty and unkempt and since it looked like the residential part, we didn't really want to wander inside and intrude. While we were still loitering around we heard a weird voice coming closer to us from the top of the stairwell. Lo and behold, it was a weird Michael Jackson impersonator with a horrible afro wig, singing and hee-heeing loudly descending upon us in a tight suffocating space. He jumped in front of us and he did a little dance number while repeating "I'm back". Needless to say, we were too stunned to speak. And honestly a bit scared too, because he seemed to have a few screws loose. We nodded enthusiastically with fear in our eyes, and he went further down the stairs once he finished his little dance number. Really interesting, right?
Completely unrelated to this creepy experience (but seriously lmao), I had an itch to play something on my psp as I've been neglecting it for a while now. I remembered I had the first Silent Hill on it, that I gave up on at the beginning because the camera was annoying, even though I played 2 and 3 just fine? I was being dumb. I decided to give it another go, and I finished it in about 2 days. It's definitely shorter than the other two games, but it seems I got the bad ending. I was rushing a bit at the end and I missed a spot. Luckily I made a separate save around the time I fucked up so I'll go back and get the good ending. I know SH games are meant to be replayed and the game encourages it, but I don't like replaying horror games.
Yesterday I got a strong desire to play Sims 4 again, I updated it, fixed some mods, downloaded a ton of cc, made my sim and built my house and then got completely annoyed ingame when my sim started checking her phone every 5 seconds. Seems I'll need a mod for that. And also a lot of the social interactions seem to be broken which ruins the fun too. My mods should be up to date. It's so tiring, I just want to play my little historical sim in her little witchy tiny house!!!
23rd of September:
It's been quite a while since I last wrote in my diary, wtf. I've been "busy" writing anime/manga reviews and clearing my backlog. Sometimes I get really inspired like this, to just write about anything and everything I watch/read. Sometimes I can't form two sentences about something even if it was the best thing I've ever witnessed lol.
Earlier this week, I attended my husbands graduation! He graduated more than a year ago but his university was holding it off for quite a while. It was quite an event, they had live performers. We arrived there last moment before the graduates picture was taken so we had to hurry to get the robes and stuff. After that I left my husband with his friends and went to find a seat somewhere. There was a popcorn machine near me, and the smell was so good... But I didn't bring my wallet with me so I had to suffer in silence. Definitely will be buying a popcorn maker soon, they're pretty cheap. Anyway, the whole ceremony lasted for way too long, I was nodding off during the speeches. It's not that interesting when you can't understand the language! They threw their caps, received their diplomas and we went off on our pizza hunt. A while ago we made the decision to try every pizza place in our near vicinity, because there's many. The one we tried this time was surprisingly cheap, but not outstanding in its taste. They're all made in electric ovens and out of thin dough with barely any crust, so they can never taste like the real thing of course. However the best one so far (from the non-chains) is the pizza place right next to our building. But it's a bit more expensive than the rest. The amount of cheese they use is perfect. Our toppings of choice are usually mushrooms and onions...
The best chain available here is Papa Johns though. They don't exist in my country, so my first time trying it was here... it's pretty good actually. Dominos can't compare.
Yesterday my husband took a day off so we were out all day. First we went to the embassy of my country to ask some questions. They were really unhelpful, sasuga my country. Then we ate lunch at an amazing small cafe/restaurant. This country is weird with it's distinction between cafes and restaurants tbh. Ah the food was great I'm still thinking about it. The rest of the day we spent near the sea and oh, we rode those stupid scooters for the first time. I actually kind of had a phobia of driving them, because I feel so unstable when accelerating. I tried them once before but never actually rode around for real. Anyway, we chose a good path to ride on and it wasn't so scary. It was pretty fun and enjoyable, but I still prefer bikes. I don't feel secure in traffic with these scooters at all, and turning/breaking with them takes some time getting used to. We befriended cats, pet some cats, fed some cats, and that about sums up our day. We had a mandatory stop at the mall full of alt kids. I saw a woman with massive hard fake breasts. These things are really rare to see in my country, but pretty common here it seems. I honestly can't comprehend why someone would do that to themselves. I mean I can, but it still feels unbelievable to witness irl.
Today I enrolled into another year in my university... I'm still not done... I have two subjects left apparently. I'm losing my mind slowly. I hope this is it finally. I got fucked over so hard, and now I totally believe all those horror stories I heard online about my uni. It really is a place that entraps you forever, and nobody wants to help you.
7th of September: More weddings and cats
Nothing much happened these past two days. Oh I'm lying. I attended the wedding #2 on Sunday, it was my husband's close friends' wedding. The wedding was really really small, strictly just the family and us, and one more friend couple (I don't know them). Apparently the grooms dad didn't attend, but his parents have been separated since forever so it makes sense. His mom also seems a bit weird, as she didn't even want a celebration after the wedding, instead we just ate the cake people brought there and that's it. I'm bummed about it because at first it was supposed to be an outside barbeque, and then plans changed and we were supposed to go to a good barbeque meat place but it fell through. What kind of family doesn't want to celebrate a wedding? I feel bad for him, as him and his now wife are a really cute couple, and they're both very good people. His uncle and grandpa were the stars of the evening though, both were really funny and lightened the mood up. Yesterday was the wedding #3 and I didn't go. Husband sent me pictures, it was extremely fancy. He arrived home around midnight, and he started talking about the food there. He also said they forced him to dance, so I'm glad I didn't attend, I hate dancing. While he was talking about the food, I got a big craving for beef suddenly, despite me hating it since March (? still don't know why). Yet today, I decided I wouldn't cook so I ordered a big portion of Gyoza with shrimp that I've been eyeing in this local Japanese restaurant. It truly was a big portion, as I'll have enough for dinner too. Today my husband had some kind of a fun-day at work, and they went to the seaside for the day. So the past few days I've been kind of alone, wanting to go outside but it's too hot. Wanting to work on my thesis but I'm too lazy.
Instead I've been reading this book called Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style. I have about 100 pages left. Maybe I'll make an article about it because the subject matter is pretty interesting. One thing that I learned about, that I definitely wasn't expecting to learn about in a book about fashion was Nameneko... Cats dressed in tsuppari (delinquent) outfits. The name comes from namennayo (なめんなよ) and neko (猫) and they first became a thing in the 80's. Bōsōzoku (biker gangs) even used the fake drivers license with the cats on them when pulled by the police which is.. incredibly cute. I never knew these were such a bit cultural hit in Japan. I wonder if I could find the original photobook anywhere, I'd really like to see all of the pictures.
Next on my reading list is Densha Otoko, which I think I read about a long long time ago, but I never completed it. Iirc it was just a collection of 2chan posts, so it shouldn't take too long to read. I've also been watching Nichijou, I think I haven't watched an anime alone for years now lol. Honestly, since people often bring the two up together, I like Azumanga Daioh more. I've been thinking of reviewing it, but I really don't know how to review comedy/slife of life stuff. "It was really funny and I liked it :)" - cabbage.
4th of September: How did she end up there?
computer-thinking Yesterday, I got a random facebook notification and while I usually don't click on those, it was about my former best friend from elementary school so I figured I'll check out what she's up to. Pictures seemed to be from a bachelorette/bachelors party. A lot of flag waving. The group of people seemed pretty conservative/nationalistic/turbo-normie villagers that are very common in my country. They looked so boring. All of the men were fat, balding and ugly. I can imagine the exact type of music they'd play. It made me think, how the hell did she end up there? She used to be a very creative, expressive girl full of personality. She always had dreams of something bigger. She was very naive and childlike, she never expressed interest in men, not even in high school. Now she's in a relationship with some boring dude into BMW's lol... I wonder what changed her, what stifled her? Her older sister was similar to her yet she got married to a really cool dude and they travel all the time and seem to have a lot of fun. And I can't really judge her whole current life from a few pictures, but every time I see her tagged somewhere it's always this boring small town setting among boring 0 personality people that have no interests in anything. I don't think of myself to be better or superior, but I never meshed well with these types of people, and neither has she. Reminded me of Kim from Better Call Saul being stuck with those boring office workers lmao. It makes me think whether she regrets her choices, or maybe I'm just imagining myself in her shoes. Maybe she doesn't feel that way at all, and she's actually happy. But somehow I find it hard to believe, knowing what we used to talk about, what we used to bond over. All of that couldn't have just disappeared once our bond weakened could it?
People change, but I feel like their essence always stays about the same. Whenever I bump into someone that I knew as a child, at their core - they seem like the same person they always were. Maybe better and improved, or aligning themselves with strange opinions and ideologies - but all those traits fall back into how they acted as a kid.
31st of August: The Trouble with Angels, weddings and executive dysfunction
The Trouble With Angels Yesterday I went to the cinema with my husband, we decided to go on a whim. The city we live in is well-known for having a cinema/library media center, and the cinema doesn't just play new movies but also a lot of classic ones too. I guess it's called a cinematheque? I've heard that word being used in such a way in my language a couple of times. The movie we ended up watching was The Trouble with Angels from 1966, directed by Ida Lupino. The movie is about two rebellious girls attending a catholic high school run by nuns. Frankly I thought it was a really sweet slice of life/coming of age film. Mary is the ringleader, and Rachel is her follower. The two of them cause a lot of trouble in the school, much to the dismay of the nuns. But as time passes, one of the girls secretely decides to become a nun even though both of them were quite against the idea at the start of the movie. This decision becomes clear to one of the girls at the end of the movie and a rift between them happens. They still manage to reconcile in the last scene, so I thought the wrap up was done well. It's a cute story about female friendship, and realizing you want to live by helping others. Frankly, I don't even think this has much to do with religion or god - that it's some kind of a Catholic propaganda movie. Being a nun always seemed to me like an amazing way to live, especially as a woman, in times when women were respected much less. To live in a community surrounded and managed by women, while volunteering and helping others seems like a really alluring lifestyle.

My husband has been invited to 3 weddings in the next week. Quite abhorrent honestly... I truly dislike weddings lmao. Luckily I won't be attending 2 of them. I don't know the people, my husband will be going with his work buddies that won't bring their +1's either, and we will get to spend less money in gifts, everyone wins! The third wedding is a mutual friend, so I'll be happy to attend, and happy to know that it's going to be a small, informal wedding that will end with a barbeque! Sweet.

Saving the best for last, I've been talking with a friend about how we're both suffering from executive dysfunction. Both of us are delaying our bachelors thesis/dissertation to the point where we're going to be paying for university next year to delay it even further. Neither of us really understand why, as the topics we're supposed to be writing about are interesting to both of us respectively. Not sure whether it was the pandemic, the earthquake, me not being near my uni friends anymore, but something is affecting me in such a way that I simply can't get myself to progress academically and do any kind of administrative task. There is also a lot of resentment and anxiety around my university messing up my enrollment a few years back, which resulted in a slew of issues that are going to hold me back a year. It's absolutely eating me up inside. So starting now, I hope I'll get to work a bit on my thesis. I'm feeling it today!!! Not really.
18th of August: tfw I will never be a teenage weeb again
Today I felt jealousy, a feeling I haven't experienced in a long while actually. Well, I'm not sure if it's really jealousy, or the feeling of having missed out on something. You see, my husbands country is full of weebs. There's a mall that has at least 3-4 anime related shops. A fucking hentai shop, which is really funny, we went into it today to see what they have. But all throughout the day I was looking at groups of teens, obviously at their weebiest, with their cute little outfits, silly makeup, funny hairstyles and fucking Shinji tattoos. Most of them looked dishelved, awkward and a bit musty, but life must be so fun for them right now. I didn't get to enjoy my hobby in such a way, when I was a teen. None of those things existed in my country. I couldn't order stuff online either, it was expensive. Basically what I'm saying is, god I wish I was a weeb wearing naruto headgear and armed with a yaoi paddle. Or now, a weeb with a black wolfcut with chunky boots and an oversized black tshirt... I wonder what they talk about when they hang out together... I wonder what online spaces they frequent. Are they actually just turbo normies going through a phase? I don't know.. But this is the only thing that ever managed to instill this feeling that I missed out. I never had a group of friends to properly sperg out with. Maybe the only reason I'm glad I don't have to deal with being a teenage weeb today is all the gender identity shit. It's so weird how all of the anime shops I went into sold lgbt flags, pins and other paraphernalia. It's like sexuality/gender identity itself became a fandom and a part of weeb culture. Weird ngl. But those kids seemed to be having fun so... good for them. They were real living and breathing mall rats, something I never thought I'd see.
In other news I definitely settled on which studio I'm getting my vertical labret done in. I went to check it out today, and it looks really nice. To top it off, they actually list their prices online which is pretty based. I hate when info like this isn't publicly disclosed. I'll probably do it during late September when I'm done with pools and swimming for the season. Quite hyped.
Oh and I finished Better Call Saul. The bus singing part was cringe and hard to watch. Other than that, I'm pretty satisfied with the ending. I'm glad it ended less dramatically than Breaking Bad. Not going to say much else so I don't spoil it for anyone. Overall, I'm not sure which one I liked more. I think Better Call Saul was definitely the more fun one to watch, Breaking Bad made me want to look away too often - not that I don't appreciate that. They were both really good shows in their own ways.
15th of August: Covid... thinking about my weight gain and reading feminist theory (very contradictive)
Soooo I finally got covid. My sister told me it's very cringe I got it this late and I have to agree. Jokes aside, I'm glad I got it now because it's extremely mild. My husband got it a week ago so it was only a matter of time. At first we tried to sleep flipped, as in my head at his feet and vice versa but we gave up on that quickly. It is quite comfy to sleep like that though, as it feels there's more space for my arms to spread. We had our last 5G microchip booster shot 8 months ago so it makes sense we both got sick. He had a fever, I didn't. I'm just coofing and my nose was stuffed for whole of two days. No other symptoms, and I think I'm mostly recovered today, still coofing a bit though. Everyone in my guild got it too, so we joked that this batch of covid is online contagious. Seriously though, one person recovers, another gets it the next day.
I wrote a huge essay about my personal relationship with food (which is healthy) and my recent weight gain but... I got over it in the middle of writing so I don't even feel like having it up. I'll just conclude it with I'm cutting out snacks and going back to morning yoga. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look great, I am not sure why that greatness doesn't translate into pictures. Reverse body dysmorphia, perhaps?
Also my hair is growing at a rapid speed, I had to cut my bangs only a week since I cut them last. My hair is at buttcrack length, I really want to cut it but I don't know how. I want to have jaw length hair but I fear it wouldn't suit me.

I've been reading Dworkin's Right Wing Women, it's really good so far. Despite Dworkin being a radical feminist her writing is respectful towards the subject(s) of the book but it doesn't pull any punches. I admire the brutality in her writing. Hell, I'm not a right-wing woman, but I feel called out in some of her statements. This book was published in 1983... so some of her observations are outdated (such as women being paid 50% of what men are, and... abortions being legal lol), but this book isn't just about right wing women. It's about why women choose to survive in and conform to systems that are clearly against them in many ways. And why these women, in those systems, still manage to be the most devout and honest followers of said systems. I haven't finished it yet so I'm not logging it in my books page, but I'll leave you with this massive qoute.

Right-wing women have surveyed the world: they find it a dangerous place. They see that work subjects them to more danger from more men; it increases the risk of sexual exploitation. They see that creativity and originality in their kind are ridiculed; they see women thrown out of the circle of male civilization for having ideas, plans, visions, ambitions. They see that traditional marriage means selling to one man, not hundreds: the better deal. They see that the streets are cold, and that the women on them are tired, sick, and bruised. They see that the money they can earn will not make them independent of men and that they will still have to play the sex games of their kind: at home and at work too. They see no way to make their bodies authentically their own and to survive in the world of men. They know too that the Left has nothing better to offer: leftist men also want wives and whores; leftist men value whores too much and wives too little. Right-wing women are not wrong. They fear that the Left, in stressing impersonal sex and promiscuity as values, will make them more vulnerable to male sexual aggression, and that they will be despised for not liking it. They are not wrong. Right-wing women see that within the system in which they live they cannot make their bodies their own, but they can agree to privatized male ownership: keep it one-on one, as it were. They know that they are valued for their sex— their sex organs and their reproductive capacity—and so they try to up their value: through cooperation, manipulation, conformity; through displays of affection or attempts at friendship; through submission and obedience; and especially through the use of euphemism—“femininity, ” “total woman, ” “good, ” “maternal instinct, ” “motherly love. ” Their desperation is quiet; they hide their bruises of body and heart; they dress carefully and have good manners; they suffer, they love God, they follow the rules. They see that intelligence displayed in a woman is a flaw, that intelligence realized in a woman is a crime. They see the world they live in and they are not wrong. They use sex and babies to stay valuable because they need a home, food, clothing. They use the traditional intelligence of the female—animal, not human: they do what they have to to survive.
2nd of August: Where tf have I been?!?!
It's been exactly a month since my last entry. A lot has happened. I didn't really have access to my computer, so I didn't bother writing entries. Let's start with the biggest thing... I got married! Kinda cringe honestly. I don't usually shy away from that word, but I don't like overusing it either. But truly, the experience of getting married is quite cringe. I'm not sure how other people cope with it, or how they experience and interpet it but I could hardly bear it. We got married at the registrar's office and a lot of paperwork had to be collected. A lot of translations, apostilles, what have you. I didn't really talk much about the document hunt here but it was exhausting to say the least. Next thing we planned to have some of my closest family with us, so we had to book a restaurant for the wedding too. My mom really wanted photos but I didn't want anything fancy so we got them taken at the studio. Now that was a mistake. The studio was really trashy and the lady posing us didn't really take our awkwardness into account. I could go on about this experience but I'll keep it short because I have to go back to unpacking. The ceremony itself was quite okay and short (took 10 minutes) but it kind of felt like getting scolded by a teacher in their office with all of your family watching. A couple of days before the wedding my sister and I saw a tiktok of a girl saying that weddings were embarrassing because they felt like someone singing you "Happy Birthday" - for the whole length of the ceremony/celebration. And yes it's true. The dinner was fine, I was able to relax a bit at that point and enjoy the food. I'm very happy my friend was able to come and be my witness, along with my sister and husband of course, she made me feel most at ease. We had a good time drinking and talking, but we ended it pretty early. It was after all, a really small celebration and gathering of about 15 people. I'm happy that it's all over and done with and after 6 years of being apart, we're finally together and married!
Other than that, we went on a little vacation and I got to enjoy the sea for a few days. Hence the lack of laptop. Besides the seaside, the rest of our vacation was spent on getting a new wardrobe for my husband as clothes in my country are 50% cheaper and he really started running out of stuff to wear. After the vacation we came back to our apartment, the flights were much less chaotic this time around.
I've also been looking for a good piercing studio in the city I live in now but it seems all the good studios don't post their prices publicly. Why?? I just want to know how overpriced it is, as I don't have issues with paying a bit more for a quality piercing job. I really want to get a vertical labret... And that would probably be the end of my piercing journey.
Lastly, I finally finished The Sopranos... A really great and quotable show honestly, if you haven't watched it I definitely recommend!
2nd of July
This week has been extremely productive for me. I passed my last subject (well, maybe not the last overall but we'll see), sent a lot of emails, fixed one other subject that was missing a grade in the system even though I had passed it, went to pick up a lot of documents (what these documents are for is... a secret!) AND I talked with my mentor finally about my final thesis that I'm going to start working on... soon. I also got my period and completely bled through my new shorts yesterday, it was 35 degrees outside and I had no pads in my bag, so I had to buy a pack of new ones. Luckily the pants are dark green and I think I scrubbed it out alright. For my end of the day treat I went to the river, which is so so warm by now and I just relaxed for an hour and half without exiting. It was that warm, usually my lips go blue in 30 minutes. This has been one of the warmest Junes I've ever experienced and everyone hates it but I love it. Hot weather, strangely enough, gives me energy and makes me want to do things. I don't mind the sweat. I bought two more male linen shirts, it seems I'm on a journey to look like Rachel Weisz in The Mummy or so my mom told me. It's definitely a great summer look lmao. Colonizer core. I've also been riding the bike every other day in the mornings, nothing much only around 6km. My butt is barely used to it, considering I haven't rode a bike since last fall.
As I said here before, Tera was to be shut down on June 30th, 10am CEST. I was there, running two clients of course so I could experience it in both NA and EU regions. It was really emotional and truly felt like an end of an era. I'm currently in the process of making a little tera memorial (shrine?) page, documenting my history with tera, and tera's history in general. I'm not sure how to go about it yet but I'm still in process of just writing the text. Usually I make the site first and then put in the text but this time I'm going about it the other way.
24th of June
I slept over at my friends house yesterday. Had a great time as usual. Her brother showed us a teen show he helped produce (he works for a production company) for some popular teens magazine. As usual I feel like these teens magazines, just like in my time, cater to mostly tweens that want to imagine what being a teen is like. Anyway, since the production value was high and good quality the show is kind of well made but the plot is.. wow. It's like our domestic attempt at Euhphoria kind of. I think the slang (which is something these "teen shows" can never get right) is actually okay-ish but incredibly hard to listen to nonetheless. But what shocked me the most was the setting of the show. It was set in what seems to be an extremely fancy private school in our country which is just kind of wow to me. We're not a very rich country and I assume this shit is not representative of like 95% of our school kids and how their school experience is. Most kids here go to normal public schools. Not to mention the way they dressed the high school students in heels and really skimpy outfits, it really seems Euphoria inspired except it comes across as extremely bougie because of the setting i.e. well they get to dress like that and not follow the rules because their parents are dirty rich (most likely because of political corruption)! Because of that the setting leaves a bad taste in my mouth as all characters are automatically assumed to be spoiled and privileged. It's extremely unrelatable and I wonder if the kids will eat it up. The plot is about a transfer student from the UK coming to study in that private school and befriending a group of """outsiders""" through a huge NLOG main female character with the obligatory abusive bf. Drama and love triangles ensue. Oh and their hang out spot is the NLOG's basement that her parents (or idk who) are planning to turn into a gym which makes her very bummed out :(. I love how she described the schools obligatory mean girl bully as "rich" when anyone in that school is probably filthy rich already lol... It's extremely hard to like a cast that's in a totally different caste of society almost yet they're kind of shown to us to be "relatable" or whatever, and I guess it hits especially hard because it's so geographically close.
10th of June, 2022: shitty, toxic, ultra close, almost gay female friendships
Today I felt like reminiscing a bit. I was reading the manga thread on lc yesterday, and I came across a post about Nana and this part caught my eye:

Most importantly, I like the focus on female relationships. It's a weirdly unprobed subject in manga; where are the shitty, toxic, ultra close, almost gay female friendships?

First of all, this is indeed an underexplored concept in manga and I wish there were more of it. Rarely will a friendship be the focus as opposed to a romantic relationship, yet friendships can be way more intense and dramatic in a different way, coupled with weird dynamics. Second of all, which is what I'll mainly be writing about here, is my own experience with a friendship like this. Why is this experience so universal? I was around 12, and it was the summer I started listening to pop-punk. A classmate of mine came back from a family vacation and randomly asked me to hang out with her. We never hung out much before, so this was kind of out of nowhere. It's so funny when you think about it, how easy it is to make friends in middle school. Anyway, by total chance, she started listening to the same music I did during that summer vacation and we bonded over it hardcore. For the first few months, it was just me and her. Exploring random places, sitting and talking near the train tracks and watching the trains pass by as we stood way too close. Hanging out at her house and sleeping over. I spent all of my free time with her. Soon after, she started introducing me to a lot of people. She was extremely extroverted, I was the shy lost puppy always following her. Despite her having and making so many friends, she would always turn back to me for my advice (lol) and rant to me about her "friends" and the latest drama and rumors. I followed her wherever she went to, but I was often left ignored by her flavor of the week friends. It didn't bother me much, because I was only there for her. I wanted to look cool for her. Only I went to her house to sleep over and film funny videos on our matching Sony Ericsson W910i's. In my mind, I was strangely possesive of her although I never expressed it. I'm not sure whether I would call it a full blown crush. Mainly because I've never experienced such intense feelings for a girl ever again. She was very much the type of "I'd kiss a girl in front of guys for attention and edgyness" type of alt (well back in those days, just punk not alt) girl, and yeah, I kind of wished that was me. The first two boyfriend's I've had - one of the reasons I dated them was to keep closer to her. Amidst me crushing on her though, I've come to realize she's not all that. Sometimes it seemed as if she put her flavour of the week friends over me, and that she would come running to me when she got bored of them. She didn't have a strong personality of her own, rather she just copied whoever she was hanging out with currently to a ridiculous degree. I was the only one who noticed, as I was the only one that stuck around long enough. Fashion style, speech patterns, the way in which she used social media, music and specific bands she was into, lace code, specific subcultures, haircuts, hair color - all of those changed a multitude of times over the 2 years we've been best friends. She would always choose to copy the most popular person of the group to impress them. She was very pliable. Attention-starved. I knew that would lead to trouble eventually. And just like that, I was out of her life, and she was out of mine. My feelings were brief and she no longer had an interest in me once she realized how much attention she can get from men, and how much comfort she can get from drugs, as opposed to me. We went to become total strangers in high school and I've only talked to her once since then.
5th of June, 2022: The trip back home
I'm back in my family home. What a trip it was... where to begin. Let's see. 3 days before the trip I sprained my ankle in a bus. I'm pretty sure this was my first time to twist an ankle, so I didn't know what to expect pain wise, whether it was broken etc. I was really frustrated at first because it just had to happen 3 days before the trip. Luckily, it healed well enough by that day that I could walk without limping, and that I could even run a bit... Running was much needed because my first flight was an hour and half late, even more. I was supposed to have a 2hr 40 layover so you can see why the need for running was there. During the first flight that was 4 hours long I was mostly fidgeting and my anxiety was through the roof. I managed to tire myself enough to fall asleep for a bit but as soon as I saw the time and that my boarding was starting in 20 mins and we were only just descending more anxiety came in. Now, I was well prepared to have to stay a night and get on the next flight, and it's not like it would have been the end of the world, but I was mostly scared for my luggage which wasn't with me and of course the hassle of having to organise and complain and request and etcetcetc. The flight landed 10 minutes before boarding, and I was filled with optimism. Then, instead of putting that tunnel that connects the plane with the gate we had buses, so my optimism quickly left me. There were 2 and I got into the fuller one, hoping it would leave first as I've had that experience before. It seemed they waited for both of the buses to fill and I saw how frustrated everyone was. It seemed as if everyone there had a connecting flight they were about to miss. One of them in particular, this 2m tall and huge (as in buff? large? not fat, really intimidating) middle-aged american dude in a suit was asking for a driver and joking around the bus asking if anyone would like to volunteer to drive a bus. I asked him if he has the same layover as me to find myself someone to stick to, but sadly he didn't. I told him about my connecting flight and he jokingly said I'd probably have to deal with the fact I'll be sleeping and sightseeing the city I was in. However he helped me get to the correct gate, so bless his heart and his light-heartedness as it really calmed my nerves. By the time we reached the airport I didn't know what to expect anymore, it was 2 mins before the gates for my flight would close and I still had to go through security. After security I heard the american dude yell to me "you'll be fine" and I finally got to see the little scheduled flights monitor, the boarding for my flight was delayed by 15 mins and it hadn't even started yet. Finally I could pee after holding it in the whole last flight, and I managed to get on the flight, sweaty, but relieved. Then another thought occured to me. I have made it, but has my luggage made it with me? I left that anxiety for later though, as I was too tired to function at this point. I read a book a bit and relaxed. I think the flight was 1.5-2hrs long, I can't even tell anymore. When we landed I went to the baggage claim. It took really long for the baggage to come out but after like 45 mins it finally started rolling out. So I waited. And waited. At the end there were 5 of us around the baggage claim, two of which I recognized to have been with me in the first flight, so I asked them to confirm. They said yes. The other pair was also from the same late flight. I said I'll go speak to the lost and found and report back with all the info I receive, to make it easier for them since all of them were foreigners in this country. I was a bit relieved to have not been the only one to not get my baggage though, as it confirmed what I was anxious about - the baggage just didn't make it to this flight, as it was super late. I spoke to the guy at the lost and found and he filled up a form with me regarding my baggage. He said it's good that there's only 5 of us and that the baggage will arrive to our home addresses (or wherever these tourists were staying). The rest of the day I proceeded to read about lost baggage and how it works, I was getting prepared for the worst, even though the statistics were in my favour. The next day I received the call and the baggage arrived pretty quickly to my home address. Luckily I only live 40 mins from the airport. And to top it all of, for the whole duration of this adventure (and now, still) the right side of my face is a bit swollen because my wisdom tooth is growing and my jaw is killing me. What an event huh. I learned my lesson, never have short layovers, or take a direct flight. I already had a late flight with a short layover before, I don't know why I repeated the same mistake again...
31st of May, 2022
It's been a while since I wrote in my diary, but that's because I wrote a couple of entries I didn't finish, and now I failed to add them. I'll probably add them at a later date. In 3 days, I'll be back in my country. Can't believe it's been 3 months already. My bf and I will be apart for a month and a half and then he's coming to visit me and finally meet my family properly. He already met my mom, sister and my grandma. After that, I'll probably come back here but I need to finish my thesis and eventually defend it. I hate it, I hate that I have to finish it and I think I won't be able to defend it this year because one subject fucked me over and I might not be able to do it because of that. I can't believe I'm dragging my uni for so long, but at this point I do not care. I'm so tired of how messy it is, how you have to suffer so much just to get the basic things done. I envy people that had a smooth time in uni. Bureocracy sucks. I can't wait to meet with my friends and go to the river like I did last year. It'll be a nice summer, my thesis aside. I hate how time passes so quickly, I feel like I'm struggling with it a lot.
I've been reading manga lately, put books aside for a bit. Currently I'm preoccupied with the concept of travelling and... passages of time I guess. Aside from the stuff I reviewed I also read Rapid Commuter Underground and Kotonoba Drive with that theme. I also started reading Maki Kusumoto's works but even though I'm really enjoying the weirdness of it all, I don't think I'll be able to review it properly. Sometimes even when I think something is awesome and special, I can't really describe it properly or elaborate on my feelings about it. I finally finished DeDeDeDe (how many De's..) yesterday and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I made the same mistake I did with Punpun a whole ass decade ago. I started reading the manga before the last/last two volumes were published, and once they were finally out and translated, when I read them I didn't feel as connected to the work anymore, nor did I remember all the details properly. The ending of DeDeDe is more disappointing than Punpun, but on the whole I feel like the work is more positive and enjoyable. This is why I don't think I'll be able to write a review about it, I truly have goldfish memory when it comes to any kind of media.
Aside from manga, I'm still playing Tera, hardcore. I'm playing a sorcerer outside of my guild because frankly I sometimes get overwhelmed by my guildies and things they expect me to do for them. If I'm online and theres 2-4 more people on, they'll always expect me to do start a party and do things with them but they have to be easy comfortable things they want to do, so I end up doing dungeons I don't really feel like doing. Sometimes I just want to join random lfgs and not think too much about things. Another reason why I'm not in the guild on my sorc is because, well, I kind of suck! I haven't played sorc since 2015 and the class had I think 2 whole revamps since then, and there's a lot of nuance to it now. Oh and I have a funny thing that happened to me... When gearing up on this private server, one of the last pieces of good gear you'll acquire are a belt, brooch and a mask. The mask and belt being the more annoying ones to get. I was doing a dungeon with my guildie (the one that likes to spam me with dms) and a few randoms, and we were joking around saying how masks and belts break friendships because people want them so badly and they're so expensive that if you get the drop - even if you don't need it you'd rather sell it than giving it to your buddies. Which of course is ridiculous because this is a private server, and you should always have your guildies in mind right? My friend agreed, and he said he'd give me a physical mask (he needs a magical one) if he ever got it, completely unprompted. I don't really care much for it myself but it seemed like a kind gesture. Later on that same day after I went to sleep, he got a physical mask... and he immediately posted in the trade channel wanting to trade it for a magical one. He got like 50 offers from others that wanted to just buy it because physical masks are a lot more sought after and he even messaged me to brag about it, also complaining how he hasn't been able to find anyone to trade it for. So I just said if he doesn't find a trade he wants, I'd gladly buy it from him. Somehow his selflessness from earlier totally vanished which I found so funny. Funnily enough, later that day another guildie of mine got the same mask, and he's the type that loves to make money off the broker. But guess what, he gave me the mask right away, didn't even suggest selling it first. It's funny how people behave and get overwhelmed by greed, even in silly little video games.
17th of May, 2022
Haven't been doing much of anything past few days, aside from playing tera. I'm really happy to be playing an alive version of the game, but with it also come certain negatives. I said I'll be helping with gearing the guild once I'm done gearing myself, and that if any mods need fixing me and my bf can look into it. So far not many people took up the offer, and I mostly forcefully shoved mats and gold down peoples throats because otherwise they'd be too polite too ask. That's how it is in mmos. But one player, oh god. He took the offer and ran it into the ground. Every day I get a million discord dms asking me to fix xyz, to help him with xyz mat, to do this, to look into that, to edit ingame files???? Like shit. I don't have the will to do that much. Then he asks me to fix a version of a mod (fixing a mod usually entails just swapping some values to match the protocols of that certain patch, but it's very tedious having to do it manually) THAT ALREADY EXISTS, except it doesn't have a stupid ui. Take the working mod I already have AGHHHHH. I feel a bit mean for writing this because I did put myself out there in the first place... But I have my limits lmao. I was thinking of writing or copying and archiving some guides myself and putting it here, but driving in traffic from tera players would be an absolute nightmare. It sucks how a lot of old tera fansites with guides went down, and it sucks even more how all the old info got overwritten in all the class discords because people can't into archiving. So finding guides for old dungeons is kind of a problem at the moment. While I'm complaining, another thing that annoyes me is a specific type of Tera player that can be found on the subreddit. Not so quick rundown: back when Tera first came out, BAMs (big ass monsters you'd fight in the open world) were pretty hard. It took a whole party to kill them because they were tanky and they hit hard. While leveling it was worth killing them and farming them for xp. At some point, a couple years into the games lifespan something called avatar weapons came out. Those weapons were meant to ease and speed up leveling and they were OP, which kind of made farming bams really easy, they were not that hard anymore. Thing is, you'd only do that while leveling. It kinda sucks it happened, but let's face it, the main point of tera are the dungeons and the endgame. This wasn't that big of a loss. But this group of people, any time any tera discussion happens, whether it be mentioning private servers, classic servers, reminscing about tera, they never fail up to bring up the "will this version have hard bams?" question. It pisses me off to no end because you can fight even harder versions of those bams in dungeons! How was this the most important part of the game to them, I don't get it! I fought hard bams in the classic server, and I fought hard bams when world bosses got reintroduced and were impossible to defeat alone, I did. I kind of understand the appeal in an open world fight where other players can hop in to help, it's kind of fun but it can't possibly be -the point- of the game. What I hate about these players is this weird mentality that the game is losing a really valuable player, even though they'd just log on, kill a couple of bams, make a thousand low level alts and never participate in the community. And I don't judge how people play mmos because tera really is the only mmo I found reaching and staying at the endgame was easy and fun for me. But ugh this question in particular is just so annoying. If you want challenging leveling, go solo level in group dungeons. I've been doing this for years and the process never got too boring, it's quite fun and it can be even harder than the old hard bams. I think it would be possible to suggest hard BAMS to the devs of Menmas tera, and it could be something you could ask for in the future. I don't think that plopping monsters in the open world is hard to code in compared to other stuff, so it's definitely a possibility. But you have to ask for it and suggest it!! Not act offended as if that's the most important feature that's missing when 95% of the players don't really care about it. Also while Tera has some decent background music, especially when in the open world, boss music never stood out to me too much except for this one. It's a boss theme for one of the funnest (people would def argue with me for this) bossfights in the game lmao. It's so GOOD. This one also, it's a theme for a small town.
In other news, consquences of my own actions are catching up to me. The skin on my sunburnt scalp started peeling off and dear lord, I looked like I had the worst case of dandruff in the world. I was combing it out for an hour or so, what an experience. It was actually pretty fun to get it all out with a comb but my long hair made it a pain in the ass. It reaches my hips now, the longest it's ever been I'm pretty sure. I had a super realistic dream about my cat this night. I sniffed her fur and pet her lmao. At least I can see her in my dreams now, I guess!
I wanted to write about some funny beef between everskies and vp users but I ran out of energy so maybe next time. Time for yoga and a shower I think.
12th of May, 2022: Discord
This post made by Cyuucat inspired me to write this diary entry so I recommend you read it first before reading mine. Interestingly enough, my experience with discord has been quite different from Cyuucat, and I wanted to write about it for quite some time anyway so this is quite convenient.
I've been using discord since 2015. The first discord I joined was a guild discord for an mmo I was playing. To this day, that is one of the top three discord servers I use and actively talk in. I've joined many servers, not for the purpose of socializing, but mostly game servers, guide servers, shit like that. I made many online friends that way, and I don't even really like making internet friends because I feel like chatting 1 on 1 is a bit of a chore for me, since my interests take up most of the time I spend on a computer. Every time I would try to join a "Discord Community" a la those type of servers you see on server advertising websites, it would be an absolute cancer fest. Even back then. I do realize that's a subjective experience though, judging by Cyuucats post.
The most important advice I would have for one looking for a good discord server to meet likeminded individuals in is: don't. You don't want to look for a Discord Community, you want to look for a Community That Happens to Have a Discord. Whether that be interests and hobbies like tech, videogames, weeb shit, books, films, politics etc. even imageboard discords can be decent (although I think discord does more harm than good to imageboards lmao, and it certainly depends on the imageboard because really, discord trannies are a thing). It's kind of like giving advice to men that are desparate for a gf. You won't meet a girl you like in a random public space, most likely you'll meet her through your interests or through friend's of friends.
What Cyuucat said about all good discords being private is true. Any decent discord will either be private or won't have a way of accessing it through those websites that advertise discords. Those types of servers are mostly aimless and populated by people that really are like.. discord users first and foremost. They usually just devolve into dating and grooming drama, meaningless shitposting and circlejerks. Ideally, you want a discord that's not full of seasoned discord veterans, instead it has a ton of people that are like "hey I don't know jack shit about discord but I like this community so I'll join". Ideally, you want to be one of the first waves of people joining because it helps with feeling like being a part of a growing community, but I know that's not exactly an easy task, and it only makes the whole search harder.
At the end of the day though, luck will play a large part. 2 servers I'm really happy with are 4chan adjacent for gods sake, how that happened it would be hard to explain. Pure luck that a group of semi normal and decent people joined those discords at a specific point in time when they were available to join. One of them being a discord for a group of people that look for private servers of an old korean mmo, that I don't even play. It's funny how things work out sometimes. Along with it being luck based there's just one more thing - when you open access to everyone, when there's a low barrier to entry, you're bound to have a bad time.
9th of May, 2022
It's been a couple of days, and I feel better. I still get sad if I see a cat that resembles her but I think the worst part has passed. Or it's only about to come, when I arrive back home and the reality of it all hits me. Losing a pet sucks. Talking about it with my sister and mom really helped.
Don't want to stick around sad topics to much, so time to move on. I'm playing Tera (again), but this time on a private server. Dear god, it's so good. The whole community must be on some kind of a euphoria high, because the server seems to be well maintained, so many users came back and people even talk!! in dungeons. The last 2 years where I'd play on and off in the retail versions people wouldn't even say tyfp when done with the dungeon. Radio silence. Or they'd talk in russian if they were from the russian server. A lot of my old guild came back too, which makes me happy. A lot of dungeons are currently available and it's fun to relearn stuff with old players, honestly I'm having a blast. Gearing is easy, the main thing to grind for is the costumes and some mount buff. You can even grind for the premium sub. Fun times, honestly. Retail version is closing in a few weeks and I haven't even bothered logging on yet, I'll probably log on the closing day. The publisher messed up by giving this server wide cooldown reduction buff or something, so you can't even enjoy dungeons in a proper way the last days you're able to play. As a result of that, the game is totally deserted. I hope this private server stays for a while, because it's truly nice.
Yesterday my boyfriend had a day off work, so we went to the beach and to some fancy seafood restaurant my dad recommended us, because he saw it on some obscure tv channel he loves to watch lately lmao. We decided to order something neither of us ate before, which was kind of a mistake. You had crabs, mussels, shrimps and calamari in some kind of a coconut sauce with curry and something else. While I absolutely love seafood, I didn't like this because of the sauce. Ahhhh. The experience of having to eat and clean crabs is not something I'd like to do again, unless it's a bigger crab. These small ones were annoying to clean. Mussels were fine, I never tried them before, but the sauce overtook any taste they'd have lol. I realized I'm very picky with sauces and it completely makes or breaks a dish for me, which kind of sucks in restaurants because you never know what you'll get. But we're coping by saying "at least we gained a new experience". Next time if we go there, we'll just get some baked fish and fried calamari mmm. I'm still in love with an octopus I ate like 10 years ago, prepared in a proper Mediterranean way by the landlord of an apartment we were renting for the summer. Now that was the shit. Oh and I got badly sunburnt. I don't think I ever got so sunburnt, in fact. Funny because nowadays I'm a lot more careful and use good spf creams, but I guess I didn't put enough on my back when we were leaving. My neck is killing me too. At least my face isn't sunburnt at all, thank you La Roche Possay Anthelios Fluid (tm). Now I'm just slathering aloe vera gel and hoping for the best. It's funny because it was only 23ish outside, but the sun was just brutal. Despite that, we had a lot of fun walking around and people watching. Being near the sea is amazing too, it's funny that I haven't been to the sea at all since I came here and it's just 30 mins away. Bought some patterned socks for my sister, because I know she loves that. I'll mismatch them and give her a pair, and myself a pair. Now I have to think of something to cook for lunch today, gbye.
3rd of May, 2022: Goodbye, Kitty
Around 5 years ago, I got really into early Queen. I loved their first 3 albums especially but I also listened to some of their later stuff. There was one song that I had trouble listening to, because it would always make me cry and I didn't like that. It's called "All dead, all dead". The song is about a cat, that as the name suggests, has died. At the time I couldn't bear listening to the song as just thinking about my cat dying would break my heart. But the day has arrived when I can listen to this song and cry freely, my cat has passed away. I was waiting to calm down to write this but it doesn't matter - I am crying anyway. I can't describe in words how dear this cat was to me. Once I return home, there will no longer be nights where I have to leave the doors of my bedroom open, I will no longer have to tend to her when she meows to just annoy me, I will no longer open the doors of my apartment to her, I will no longer have my floor and clothes littered with her hairs. She will not greet me at the bottom of the stairwell when I come home from work with my bike. There will be no reason to leave cardboard boxes laying around for her to jump into, I won't have to change my sheets before my sister comes to visit because they're full of her hair. I will no longer hear her snore, I will no longer have her cuddle up next to me in bed. For 16 years I've had that, but now it's gone.
My mom sent us a message this morning to tell us that she was put to sleep yesterday. Our neighbor, who we shared her with, took her to the vet. For the past few months she has been a bit sick with a respiratory infection, and sadly it got worse. She got a transfusion, some injections but it seems it didn't help much and she was greatly weakened. The vet said putting her down would be the best choice so she wouldn't suffer. She had an amazing life, she truly did. She was a happy cat, and the whole neighbourhood knew her and loved her. I found her, 16 years ago, when I was in the 3rd grade of elementary. I was out with my best friend that day, and we took her to my building which is why my neighbor adopted her. Since that day we've shared her and she spent an equal amount of time in our apartment and in her apartment. She did what she wanted, she visited whenever she wanted, and her life was truly her own. Ironically, she died on my friends birthday, the friend I found her with. I believe she was born in spring, and she died in spring. My little May Queen. Maybe at some point I will share images of her in my gallery, but right now I won't, as it is too hard to look at them. I love her so much. What hurts the most is that I am 2000 kilometers away. I just had a feeling she would leave me when I left her. It is killing me inside.
30th of April, 2022
Today I woke up to something I didn't expect, Izzzyzzz, a youtuber that covers early 2000s internet trends and websites, made a video about bimboland. If you've seen my random sites page, I covered bimboland as a dressup game in enough detail but I never talked about my history with that site here. I first made an account on it when it was called MissBimbo.com, back in 2008. If I remember correctly, the site was 18+ but I'm not sure. The site was extremely infamous for, well, everything. The whole theme of the website was quite problematic (although it was satirical), you would play as a bimbo, you'd level up by getting richer boyfriends, to progress you'd have to do a mandatory boob job and facial surgery. If you gained weight you would have to lose it etc. Now funnily enough, even though I played this game when I was 10 and quite impressionable, this game never really impacted me badly. All I cared about back then was dressing my bimbo in goth angel outfits, making fake accounts to make money with outfits (I exploited the shit out of that game and never got caught) and that's it. Frankly the fact that it was virtual, not realistic and overly exaggarated was obvious to me even when I was 10, but many people didn't see it that way. In fact, I think the way people treat the website and the concept of a bimbo today is more problematic but on that later. Anyway, the site shut down at some point in the 2010's and it was brought back in 2016. All the damaging and problematic parts of the website were pretty much gone, and now the game had some kind of a political, debate system to it. Now you would grind for stats to earn better jobs and duel and debate with bimbos for money. It became pretty much a nice standard dressup site with monthly competitions and it's why I like it at the moment. Much of the old crowd (a lot of 25+ women) came back and kept it alive, along with some sissy roleplayers. I came back in 2019 and I was having a blast. The forums were pretty hilarious, with a lot of weird people posting and being crazy, free and unhinged. Idk how else to describe it, but I truly enjoyed lurking. Sadly, that was right around the time the word bimbo became "empowering" and associated with the uh, rainbow crowd. So the website got an influx of obnoxious people that were let's say sensitive, and with the help of the pandemic they kind of took over the site. Things got a lot more woke, a lot of stuff was renamed to be more politically correct and a lot of drama started happening. Long story short, the admins and mods got kind of pissed at the newer users and banned a lot of them (admittedly, some for bullshit and unfair reasons but frankly I can't say it was a bad move lmao). The most annoying users migrated to everskies and that seemed to be the end of the "bimboland gets wokeified" saga. Things got more chill again. Until this video came out. While I enjoy Izzzys videos because I'm fully her target audience (zillenial that experienced much of the internet stuff she covers lol), I know exactly the type of people that watch them and I'm not really looking forwards to thousands of newfags joining bimbo.land and starting bullshit pointless discourse all over again. One thing I have to say is that the owner of the website is kind of a lolcow in his own right, but that's what makes this site stay afloat, he's a highly controversial figure but this website is his passion project lmao. Oh and being a bimbo will never ever be feminist or empowering and if you think that conforming to the most damaging misogynistic stereotypes fueled by capitalism while being an intelligent airheaded "socialist" is so subversive and deep you've got a lot of thinking to do. You're not really owning anyone by supporting such stereotypes, you're merely conforming to an oversexualized male fantasy of a woman lol.
26th of April, 2022
Usually I wouldn't talk about stuff like this because I literally do not care, but Elon Musk bought Twitter lmao. I don't care if twitter falls apart, it's the most cancerous social media and it doesn't deserve to exist. Anyone that thought of making it the number 1 journalism platfom was also retarded because why the fuck would you make social media that doesn't let you write whole articles the no.1 platform for news sigh. Anyway, I did my weekly round of twitter stalking my kind of former friend (I Am Sorry but your twitter has your full name in it) and he said this might make him migrate to neocities. I deserve this, for shit talking him on here. I even told him about this site, almost exactly a year ago. Maybe he had already found me, which would explain some things... Lol.
But nevermind him. I fear neocities might get an even bigger horde of twittertards than before, and I don't think I want that. Not that I already don't have mild dislike for a portion of the current userbase, but I don't engage in the community aspect of neocities much so it probably won't matter, I hope. Well, in the end, how other people choose to use neocities is none of my concern but ah, I hate the hypocrisy in "I made this site to get away from social media because it's bad, but here's a link to 10 of my other social media accounts ^^". I am just a big hater, it is what it is.
24th of April, 2022
The Cabbage Special made me suffer quite a bit. Day after, on the 22nd, I still felt incredibly bloated and heavy so I just ate the plainest rice you can imagine and bananas. Thankfully, since yesterday, I'm fine. Today I did some more cleaning than usual and currently I'm waiting for bread dough to rise. Mmm I want to eat some tasty bread. Bread from a bakery costs almost 6€ here!!! Can you believe that shit? It costs like less than a euro to make it I truly Do Not Understand. So I kind of just want to make my own bread as often as possible. Thinking of buying more healthy flour in the future but we will see. I just can't exist without bread. My greatest weakness, dough. Yesterday I spent the whole day making the index for humanoid, forum based doll sites lol. It was a fun time. I only play a couple of them actively, but I heard enough about to rest to be able to write about all of them. Oh and also I took a long walk with my boyfriend. I really needed it, I felt like shit.
Seeing some posts today I got reminded of that trashy anime I wrote a whole manifesto about, my dress up darling or whatever. I can't believe I wrote that after the first episode came out, and I knew exactly how it was going to go. I predicted the infatuation people would have with it. Ahhh it's perfect for this generation of teens, truly, truly perfect. I think I would have loved it too if I was a teen. The girl is such a "licherally me" character I totally understand why everyone is so into it. She's cool ;)), HOT body ;)), plays hentai games!! ;)), and EVEn cosplays them ;))). God it's so funny. By choosing to identify with her, you're truly letting every boy around know just how cool and lewd you are. I WANT TO FIT IN WITH THE BOYSSSSSSSSS, GIRLS CAN BE PERVERTS TOOOOO AHHHHH. Those were the thoughts of 14 year old me, browsing /a/. Kind of. I was always too scared of bringing attention to myself (thank you lord) so I quickly grew out of it and never attention whored. But the performance stayed for a while because of my ex, and some of the weeby friends we had at that time. I obviously had to be the pervy anime girlfriend. It sucks, this role you have to fill as a teenage girl into anime. When you're surrounded by so many sexualised depictions of 2d girls you feel the need to pretend you're into them too. Or like, you totally don't mind boys talking about them! Ah it's so pathetic. I was pathetic. I wish I was an unapologetic fujo and bl enjoyer, but I kind of lost track of weeby female spaces post 2008 so I just ended up on /a/. That's what's interesting about the femc of that anime, her weeby interests are perfectly catering to males. Usually as a weeby girl, you're going to be into some stuff boys generally aren't. Whether it be otoge, shojo, those villainess and romance webtoons, weeby sims 4 cc, yaoi, bl, those male va cds, boy bands in kpop and jpop, dressup games etc. All these generally do not cater to men. But I didn't see her into any of that. She's just a perfect nerd for the male audience, while also being more assertive to make her seem more progressive, but also of course she's apparently a virgin. Ugh ugh ugh. Actually kind of unironically thank god for Jojo because I got really into it right before the anime came out so I could gush about male characters more without it being "boring FEMALE anime :eyeroll:". Anyway if you see someone coping and seething about this anime outside of my site, please think of me. I'm trying not to rage about it on too many sites... Don't wanna be seen as desperate y'know... But it's truly such trash.
One last thing, I went to check MAL reviews and the most popular ones were very negative. INCHERESTING, which makes me wonder, how the fuck is this shit so popular if even the weebs with mediocre taste dislike it lmao.
21st of April, 2022
A lot of boring health talk in the first paragraph. Today I have been suffering from something I call "The Cabbage Special". Every 3-6 months or so for the past few years I'll have a morning or an evening full of suffering, pain and feeling like I'm about to die. Last time I ended up in the emergency room because of it but this time, luckily, I didn't. Except this time the Cabbage Special lasted for a whole 10 hours and I was writhing in pain, going in and out of the toilet the whole time. The cause of this, I am not 100% sure. I believe it was a burst ovarian cyst, which is what landed me a hospital visit last time. My ovaries seem to have the tendency to bloat too much during ovulation, and to make my life harder they also produce huge cysts. I couldn't have been ovulating this time since I am on the pill, and I had light spotting, so the answer is clear... Unless it was food poisoning. But I don't think so, I ate the same stuff my boyfriend did. I thought the b/c pill would help, but instead all I got was the worst 10 hours of my life. I hate this type of pain where you can barely think, you can't stay in one place and you literally have to writhe in pain and scream. It's definitely different from your typical "shit I ate something I shouldn't have" pain, which is it's own breed of wishing to die. Also I hate how useless and sad it made my boyfriend feel, just like my mom did last time I had this happen. All they can do is watch because there's nothing that will remedy it, I have to wait for it to pass and that's it. I feel so exhausted and hungry, but I am too scared to eat anything proper, because my lunch that I made (while in pain lol) didn't go down so well. I made simple pomodoro pasta, but it was really good. Too bad I won't get to eat it, but hey my boyfriend will get to enjoy it for the whoooole weekend. He went to buy me some rice and rice cookies so tomorrow I'm on a plain rice diet. I also made great bread, I bought new flour and the soapy taste is gone god bless.
And so, my sickness cucked me out of finishing KareKano. I wrote 70% of the review already, I'm just waiting for the final few episodes so I can publish it. I couldn't even read my book, I just stared at TikTok all day. Something I don't usually do, but now I truly couldn't do anything else. At least I munched on some bread now, hoping it won't come out of either end sooner than it should. My brain is too foggy to write down anything else, good night.
20th of April, 2022
Today morning, I received an e-mail I didn't think I'd receive for at least the next couple of years. Wishful thinking, I suppose. My favourite MMO is closing down, TERA online. Dear lord, the amount of hours I spent playing that game is preposterous. Probably around 6k, maybe more, maybe less. I wasted a lot of time on it, which some days I regret, some not. The times I regret were the times when I just spent waiting for people to gather lol. That aside, I made a lot of memories in this game. I met my boyfriend in this game. Nothing in my current life would be the way it is right now had it not been for Tera. I officially started playing it in 2015, but I've been itching to play it ever since its beta in Korea, in 2011. Sadly, even when I got into beta on EU in 2012, my computer couldn't run it. So I missed the best years of this mmo and joined when it was already considered "ded". Every once in a while for the past 3 years I'd come back to it and waste some more time, but nothing compares to the year and half I played it with my boyfriend, in 2015-2017. After he lost interest I still stayed, I got a lot better at the game, transferred servers for better ping and even started running with some of the most elitist players. It was never the same though. The best laughs I had was with my guild in voice when discord was first becoming a thing in 2015, trying to clear Timescape hard mode way after it came out, because we were all kind of shitters or high ping players. I really enjoyed the Tera Classic server in 2018, where I finally experienced MCH, one of the games most famous dungeons, and cleared it at 3am in the morning. I had a lot of good times in this MMO but I hope I'll never get addicted to one again. It's crazy how time consuming these games are if you really want to get into them. Expensive too, if you wanted to spend money. I don't think I spent more than 200€ on Tera in the 7 years I played, which is pretty impressive. Anyway, maybe I'll put some pictures related to it somewhere so they don't get lost in the void, I've got 40gb worth of screenshots, but it's on Mega so I'll have to download it.
Quickly after the announcement and me sliding into old discords to talk about Tera I got reminded of why I don't like talking to le smug 4chan gaymers about anything. I'm too lazy to even go into the details of the conversation because it was so tiring, but multiple times it happened where I would say "Yeah, x thing was really shitty" only to get a reply "inserts definition of x here". What?? I was already taking about x, obviously I know what the definition of it is? Why are you telling me this? Not to mention the distortions of definitions to fit your own made up parameters despite those definitions claiming otherwise, for example what is maintenance mode. A quick google search would tell you that maint mode refers to a state in the softwares (in this case games) life when no more updates are received, no new content, just maintenance and eventual bug fixes. Yet I have to argue over this simple definition "because I think it was in maint mode". OK, well that's just like, your opinion man!!! Jesus christ. I can't believe I used to spend hours arguing about this game on 4chan, it used to get on my nerves so much, but I'd keep coming back to it because this game was the one thing I knew I was mostly right about lmao. Glad I grew out of that phase. Anyway it's funny if you visit the /v/ thread about TERA dying right now, there's still so many people posting there that played Tera with 4chan guilds Touch Fluffy Tail and No Fun Allowed a whole decade ago. Truly there's no running away from that god forsaken imageboard.
Am I really sad though? I don't know. I said goodbye to this game many years ago when my guild initially died, and even though I came back to it here and there I don't think it could ever match my initial experience. I met some great people afterwards too but the feeling just wasn't the same. Nothing will ever match this mmo for me, at least not in the combat department. Besides, I'm much too old now to spend so much time playing MMO's, I'd truly have to abandon all my interests for it again, which I don't want to do. I will probably join this game on its last day to see the servers get shut down, and I'll try to record it. Goodbye for now, TERA. Time to nap and read.
18th of April, 2022
Hm hm. Started reading Eileen, I really like it. I've been seeing it recommended for ages now, in the context of Unhinged Women Literature. So I figured, why not! I'll write about it when I finish it though. I've picked up His and Her Circumstances after a long long while and I watched 5 episodes today, hoping to finish it soon so I can move on to other anime because my plan to watch list is way too long!!! The anime is great btw, I'm teary eyed almost every episode, not because it's super sad, but it's so SWEET. This anime probably has one of the best parent-child relationships I've ever seen portrayed in anime, not just that but it also has one of the sweetest romances of a couple that got married really early, something I'm not a fan of usually. But it's done in such a sweet way here that I totally consoom it with happiness.
Let's rant a bit. What's on the menu.. let's see... Ah the it's young zoomers again. On this stupid site I still frequent, a new unofficial rule dropped. If you're white, you're not allowed to use a japanese name as your username. That's how it started, but it ended with - "you're not allowed to have a username that does not belong to your culture." What is wrong with kids lmao. I bet 90% of them don't even realize their real names probably don't belong to their culture. They don't realize how OBSESSED asians are with engrish. Dude like who cares. They're really obsessed with this "fetishization of asian (mainly japanese and korean of course tho) cultures", which like, on a certain level I GET it but at some point you take it too far. A little 12 year old weeb screaming totemo kawaii and watching whatever is popular right now isn't really going to hurt anyone... Being a bit disrespectful as a child is normal, children lack tact. Now if you're a 35 year old male sexpat exploiting victims of human trafficking that's another story, but mostly kids don't even talk or are aware of these problems. Japanese "fetishize" Paris to the point a whole syndrome was invented because of it, yet nobody on these forums mentions that. It's all about not making the uguu Japanese MINORITIES feel safe and comfortable uwu, which in and of itself is so patronizing. Please don't call yourself xXAoi_SoraXx" it makes me literally shake and cry because of how disrespectful you are!! It is simply impossible to gatekeep these things. Cultures have been shared since humans invented the concept of it lmao. Truly. Look around your room and you'll find it's full of things that would not exist had it not been for xyz culture. God I can't imagine being this close-minded. The worst thing is the adults on these websites are totally agreeing with them and fueling the fire. And don't get me started on the non-human concept dear lord. When I was a kid, yes it was normal to larp as a werewolf zombie vampire on forums. But now it's a whole identity called "non-humanism", and it means you're suffering from delusions therefore nobody is allowed to reality check you lmao. But also they're not allowed to call you a "person" or any human like terms because it will quite literally trigger you. And it's a genius thing really. Becuause this site is SO SO hateful to white, cis and straight kids like you wouldn't believe, so those kids instead made use of this newfound term, and now they can easily do a uno reverse and start screaming at a poor black girl newbie "DON'T CALL ME GIRL YOU ABLEIST MONSTER" and you can send a horde of enraged users at a child, nobody will think that's racially motivated anymore, heh. Truth is, unless you're a trans, bi, black, disabled, nonhuman, mentally ill, autistic "being" as they call themselves, you'll have a hard time. So this site is just opression olympics, all the time. Thank god I learned self restraint, and I do not interact with anyone in the forums anymore, I just lurk. Still, I can't believe a site like this exists in this day and age. And the adults on it are encouraging this. The ones that didn't were wiped out a long time ago, for being bigots. Lmao.
17th of April, 2022
I am super happy about making a book page. The longest part was speed reviewing 6 books I read since November. Well those weren't the only 6 books, I also read the whole of Harry Potter, but I think I'll add that in just one row. Not today though because my writing juices are DRY.
I think the soap tasting flour saga has been resolved! I decided to make bread with the leftover flour and I followed some simple recipe. Frankly, it asked for too much water and I feel like the dough didn't rise that well and it was too sticky. I used to be a pro with bread making in high school because of our, let's call it internship, but I totally forgot the ratios :(. Also we forgot to buy a scale so I have to wing it. Anyway, the bread ended up looking quite nice in the end so I'm happy with that, but I wish it was a bit more fluffier! I was so excited to try it that I couldn't wait until it cooled down. I tried it and... soap. Oh god the soap. This time I was determined to find out why, since now I know for sure it's the flour. Searching for a few minutes, I found out that storage matters a lot when it comes to flour. After all it's stored in thin paper containers and it's a powder so it absorbs smells REALLY easily. It must've been next to some detergent or soap in the warehouse before being put on a shelf in the store. Really disappointing. I feel like I won't be buying flour in that store anymore. I'm not a big fan of that grocery store anyway, because they're so lacking in everything. Anyway, the bread tastes like soap, extremely so, but you can't feel it that much when you eat it along with the meal, or with nutella on it so it's not that terrible I guess. I hate to be the one to waste food so I'll eat as much of it as I can. I'm also just a tad disappointed with this toaster oven. It takes long to bake things in it, everything takes 20 minutes longer than it should. Also I have no way of knowing when it's finished preheating. Currently I'm baking some potatoes for the first time in it, and they've been at it for almost an hour and half, still not soft enough, which prompted me to write in the diary to kill some time. The induction heater is amazing on the other hand. You can't have everything! I've been rereading some of my old writings and stuff, I really liked the "The Shut-in Newlywed" review, I really went all out there huh. I wrote it quite nicely too (nice meaning by my standards which are on the floor), sometimes I'm impressed with myself. Currently, I'm a housewife, kind of. I don't hate is as much as I thought I would, and besides if you know you always have a way out I think it's an alright way to live. You just need to be prepared in case something happens. Have enough for a plane ticket, in my case. Of course I love my boyfriend insanely so, and trust him just as much, but being dependant on someone so much is never that good. People can do a 180, and you'd never expect it. So far, so good in my case at least.
This ended on a paranoid note lol.
Nevermind it didn't, because I have to write one thing that confuses me. I have a problem with images, when I set their width to idk, 300, and originally their width was 500 they look incredibly janky and I'm not sure why. Never had that problem before until now. Writing this here so I don't forget to find a solution lmao.
16th of April, 2022
I'm on a bit of a writing binge, mostly because I didn't write a lot last week or two but also because this new layout kind of put me into creative mode.
First things first, I overexfoliated. A bit embarrassing, really. I never thought I'd make a mistake like that because I'm pretty meticulous about my skincare routine but there, it happened. I decided to try out glycolic acid. For a year already I had it on my to try list. I bought it on a whim after hearing Inkey List's version was good, and I used it. Used it... 3 or 4 nights in a row. I started feeling a little irritated on the 3rd night but I used it again for good measure. Now I've got flaming red cheeks, and I feel so dumb. I guess the back of the box kind of tricked me as it says to use in a PM routine, but not how often. When I googled it, it said to absolutely use it only couple of times a week and not every night. Ah, I feel dumb for not googling that before my first use. Especially because I read it before (a longer while ago) but just ignored it. Live and learn. I just hope I didn't ruin my moisture barrier, but on the brightside my face feels less greasy.
The uni friend (the one who really loves his job) who ghosted my whole friend group including me has appeared again. He apologized for not being in contact with us, and that he was really depressed and on the verge of suicide. Because I check up on his twitter every once in a while, I know life hasn't been the kindest to him, his dog died. It's devastating to lose a pet you've had your whole life. Still, despite his sincerity, a mean part of me doesn't really trust him. He is always very sincere in his wording and I don't know, full of empty promises. I feel as if I've burnt myself so I find it hard to trust him again. I am looking forward to seeing him again this summer, if it happens. He's a fun guy after all. That said, I finally figured out who his style of writing in English reminds me of. Contrapoints lmao. Just in general he writes in this woke chill verbose millennial way. I admire his english skills and I'd say he's definitely got me beat there because his brain just seems to find appropriate words better in our native language as well. But oh man, this realization is a bit of an ick.
I made some roasted chicken today. It was pretty similar in taste to my moms cooking, but I added a bit of rosemary. Rosemary always makes me feel like I'm eating food at my countries seaside, and it's a herb my mom doesn't use much. Still, I always compare if my cooking tastes similar to hers because it makes me feel most at home. If the food tastes like mom's food = no upset stomach. It's been working so far, I also made Macedonian style baked beans using her recipe.
I'll start making the book page now. I wanted to add all sorts of dressup sites to the "random sites" page and tell a bit about each of them.
I'm annoyed by my frequent use of "also" and "just". I often think to myself it's the easiest way to clock me by on various anonymous sites. I try to mask my writing style, but I think I slip up too often. A bit paranoid I know.
15th of April, 2022
In the process of working on my new layout and testing the diary. I'm the type that works on it in vsc and then uploads it all at once though, so nobody will see it until it's totally or at least mostly finished. I'm changing most of the sites, except for the videogame one which is so drastically different, I'll really have to revamp it totally. I want my website to be js free. Also my about me page is staying, because I really love it from an aesthetic standpoint. Web design wise, it could be better. It totally breaks on phone because I was messing around with the vh and vw units and I didn't fully understand them. I'm not one to obsess over accesibility, which I know is "bad" when it comes to the basic web design principles, but I think that when it comes to web design as a personal hobby on a website you don't really intend on making famous it's okay to be a little selfish and lazy haha. Still, I like to have some basic readability, and worst case you can always switch on desktop mode on phones, I always do that. Phones suck anyway, and they kind of ruined web design. I guess you could say I am a bit bitter.
These past few days I've spent countless hours on archived geocities pages, I probably went through more than 500 pages. Of course I went through the weeby ones, and I love seeing the most popular anime of a certain online era. Some totally fall off the popularity list like Fushigi Yugi and City Hunter while some stay as household names to this day like Sailor Moon and Evangelion. I love all the Candy Candy dedicated pages. But seriously though, there's too much Sailor Moon, I'm impressed it still holds up so well and little zoomies love their sailor moon aesthetic pics as much as anyone else.
Yesterday me and my boyfriend went to his work friends wedding. He's not a close friend or anything but he was invited. It was a huge wedding, and the second wedding I ever went to. When I was a kid my mom never took me to her friends weddings because she knew I'd be bored. And boy was she right. I really hate weddings. They're so boring. I think weddings are nice only for the most immediate family and friends, everyone else is just there to eat food. And eat food we did. The food was tasty but the loud music and being asked to dance every 5 minutes by my bf's other work colleagues balanced it out. Neither me or my boyfriend dance, nor are we well versed in this.. don't know how to call it, ceremonial part of life? It's like both of us don't belong to our cultures. I'm glad I met someone like that because I'm tired of always having to explain myself. I don't remember if I talked about this before but when you're kind of strange some people will swear up and down to you how they "don't fit in" and they totally don't like anything normies do and they're so different in order to make you feel at ease? I'm not sure what it is. I had this happen more than once, so I know it's not an isolated incident. I remember drinking in high school with a group of people, one of them being this girl in a different grade I didn't know that well. We talked about music we listened to, and I mentioned how I'm always embarrassed at these kind of ocassions when everyone is drinking because I literally know z e r o turbofolk songs and it makes me feel out of place when everyone is happy, drunk and singing. She said "omg me too!!! I HATE turbofolk SO MUCH!!! everyone listens to it and I feel like such a weirdo for not liking it...", 10 minutes later she's literally dancing on the table, screaming her lungs out on every song lol. And honestly here, people that are a part of any subculture, they can dress however and act however, they truly will know turbofolk and always crank out the classics when enough alcohol has been drunk. I guess it's kind of a bonding experience, it's kind of a cultural thing, and it brings everyone together. But I feel like I'm the only one that sticks to my principles, no matter how autistic this sounds. When I say I don't enjoy this kind of music, I truly don't. I don't know the lyrics, I'm not interested. So I'm always anxious about appearing as this pompous killjoy asshole at any kind of gathering. LUCKILY I have an extensive knowledge of ex-yu rock and -some- local "trash" (basically just.. pop party hits lol) music as we call it so I can at least kind of sing along when everyones shitfaced. But still, more often than not the music will be turbofolk. Well this took an unexpected turn lol. Anyway, it's why I'm really glad about my best friend, because she's honest with me. She's spent her life being more social than me and she doesn't ever act like she has to tiptoe? around me being more of an autist and I truly appreciate it. When talking about this topic of turbofolk she didn't hesitate to say she knows a couple of songs, but dislikes the most. And it was true! Her whole group of friends truly loves 3-4 pretty entertaining songs and that's it lmao. I hate when people lie about small shit like this.