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May 31st, 2021

Oh wow so, a lot of things happened. Lets start with my php project. A girl in my team shared all of the code I wrote (and I wrote everything because the two girls with me didn't really know php) with another group, without my permission. And me being the doormat I am, I even helped adapt my code to that other group because they were begging relentlessly. I really hate people that beg so much, because it's hard for me to say no. I thought I matured away from being weak like that but I guess not! The next thing that happened is that, for the first time I decided I don't want to do everything alone in a project. So I asked the second girl if she could be in charge of the css/html part and making everything look pretty. She said yes. I finished my part 4 days before the deadline, and on the last day she said she was going to start working. I already knew things wouldn't turn out well at this point obviously but I was dead-set on not doing it myself. I sent her detailed instructions on how to get the website to work, on how to import the database, everything. I went to sleep and when I woke up I was greeted by a message from her that said "sorry, I couldn't get the website to work so I only added a background color!". So when we showed our project to the teacher, we were the only ones that didn't have any sort of UI at all, just a basic page in html, so sad. The icing on the cake is that the girls that stole our code actually had a nice UI! So they had our project but better. Thankfully the teacher noticed they had our code, and they credited me with helping them so that's something. We didn't lose out on our grade because the teacher knew I was dealing with people that didn't know anything but man. If anyones reading it, this is a lesson for you - don't rely on others in university team projects especially if you don't know them well.

Day before that was fun too, I had to hold a presentation for english class and I thought it was online. Thank god I checked the email one last time and noticed that it was live after all, because it takes me 2 and a half hours to get to my uni. I learned the whole presentation by heart while getting there, I was reciting it outloud in public. People probably thought I was insane but it had to be done haha.

Other than that I spent a lot of money on clothes... Do I regret it? Not really, I just didn't spend money on clothes in a while so this felt expensive. I need to start working on my undergrad thesis this month, I don't know if or how I'll finish it. Not really excited for that. I most likely won't be updating my website or the blog at all. I hate being busy!!!

May 14th, 2021

Yesterday I went on a little interview regarding the internship! The company seems pretty cool and the guy that's going to be my mentor so to speak seems friendly. He's my age even, so I don't feel scared by a presence of seniority. I'm going to be learning a lot of things, and I hope I'll be able to learn it. I don't think I'm that capable yet but I hope they'll be patient with me and start from scratch. This guy comes from my uni so he knows how lacking the coding department is. We actually had a lot of fun conversations regarding the teachers, subjects and so on. I had a nice time there and it wasn't too stressful. Ironically, after my rant in the last entry, as if some divine power listened to me whine, my coworkers started teaching me how to work on the cash register. I was so nervous at first but it's super simple. We don't even have multiple pos machines nor do we have to choose which card people are paying with it's so simple. The most stressful part is returning money if people paid with cash. Honestly I really wanted them to teach me this because I feel the reason why they didn't so far (it's been over 2 years of me working there) is because they thought I was so clumsy and incompetent. I mean, at least one of the coworkers treated me that way so that gave me the impression.

Aside from my real life, I wanted to talk about two things. First is, what makes a good online community to me? After spending a decent amount of time on a forum that's growing in popularity I realized I hate most of the people there, or rather I'm hating this circlejerk that's forming right in front of my eyes. I never liked forum sites much because of that reason. I can see people licking each others asses and I can see them storming threads whenever someone commits the sin of having a wrong or god forbid, problematic opinion. They're starting to befriend mods and when they mass report somebody they can get them perma-banned for "micro-agressions". Really interesting to see it develop. I realized I prefer communities where people are allowed to be downright offensive, otherwise it's really no fun to discuss anything. I have wrapped myself in bubblewrap to seem as non threatening as possible but they can see through my bullshit, I don't think they're dumb after all. I'm constantly walking on eggshells and censoring myself and I feel like I'm going insane because usually I'm a really good person, I'd say I have decent morals and I'm generally well versed in current political and social issues yet... I still feel like I have to censor myself so much compared to other websites I used to frequent. God bless sites where you're anonymous honestly.

And the second thing I wanted to talk about is manifestation. I feel like online, it's becoming more and more common for people to be really religious, spiritual, believe in all kind of pseudoscience-y stuff and the like. I'm not sure if it's because I was raised atheist/agnostic and if the internet that I grew up on was massively into debunking ignorant religious beliefs and overall people used to be more skeptic online but I'm really kind of baffled and taken aback by some of the things I've been reading. Yes, ever since the early 2010's I've come into indirect contact with pagan witches on tumblr but they weren't this big. So this is where manifesting and those subliminal sound videos come into play. More and more people are unironically into that and believe in it and I'm like where the hell did this come from? I remember subliminal "listen to this and your eyelashes will grow" videos being a thing among kids on youtube in like 2008 but people didn't take it that seriously... and those that did were widely regarded as just desparate and kind of gullible. There's a lot of rules around it like "you can't wish for anything too crazy" or "you can't just will atoms out of existance" and other rules seem to be there to make sure your wishes are small and insignificant enough so that nothing can be proven. And even that second rule I mentioned is a bit sus considering a lot of people listen to those vids that make your jaw slimmer and then report it working. Like okay, apparently changing your bone structure is possible if you listen to some yoga relaxing sound? If these things were real there'd be no pain and suffering in the world, seriously. Well if they were really real I believe some kind of equal exchange would have to happen, as that's usually the common logic in even withcraft, alchemy and in the end, physics, but manifesting just blows it out of the water I guess.