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November 27th, 2021

There's not much to write about, I haven't stepped out of my house for 5 days. 5 days! Classes were moved to online for 2 weeks so I simply had no reason to. I was also spending my time being absolutely FILLED with anxiety because of the dumb wordpress website that I couldn't even enjoy my hermit days. I finished it day before yesterday, and yesterday I mailed the assistant lady about it. She said she loved it... but it's so subpar I can't help but not feel satisfied at all. Also I have no idea how much to charge them, so here's another thing to mull over during the weekend. At least I self-learned a lot about wordpress. It's still shit though, tumblr felt much more comfy to create blogs on and edit html when I was only 13 and less experienced in web design.

Today is a friend's birthday. A friend from my uni group that kind of... abandoned us. Maybe moved on from us would be a better description. He might be reading this because I told him about neocities (well not my site but he's online savy enough to find me) and this is why I've been paranoid about writing about this so far, but whatever, it's fair considering I stalk his twitter from time to time too. So now we would be even. Me and another friend from uni grew really close to him before the pandemic, outside of my boyfriend I don't think I ever spoke so honestly with a dude ever in my life but he was easy to open up to and to talk to. Conversations never ran stale with him, which is something I appreciated because I often fall into an awkward silence. He was just a guy full of stories, experiences, he knew literally everybody everywhere, if you were to walk from uni to the train station with him (in a city that he is NOT from) he'd greet like 10 people on the way there. I've studied here for 5 years now and I greet nobody lol. But I think all these things that made him unique to me and my friend, made us not special to him. We were just two other girls that would talk closely with him but all the things he told us he had already shared on twitter, and many other people knew about these stories. He just gave us a version of himself everybody else knows, that's what I feel like anyway. Us 3 did share a special story though, but it's too complicated to write it down so I'll leave it for another time. I don't know! I'm not particularly sad he moved on, usually I'm the one to ghost people and not talk to them for ages even though I still care about them and have them appear in my dreams all the time. I understand he might have his reasons, but it's curious that it all happened the way it did. Feels like his friendships with people are the type that burn bright and burn out fast. Or he's just too lazy to commute to hang out with us, that's a possibility too which would render my whole heartbroken post useless and embarrassing. Anyway, I appreciate him for getting me out of my shell a bit in uni after a period of depression.

November 22nd, 2021

Yesterday I went on a huge nostalgia trip with my sister. We started talking about Bratz, I don't remember why, but it quickly segwayed into music we listened to in elementary among other things. I remembered this youtube account that I worshipped when I was 9 or so, and the account still exists I can't believe I managed to find it. The videos are just Bratz roleplay videos with popular music playing over them. So much of my music taste as a kid came from those videos it's a little embarrassing really. Some videos seem to be missing due to copyright, and of course the main song I was looking for wasn't in them. I went through like 30 or so videos and we couldn't find it. I went to brush my teeth and get ready for sleep and I remembered!!!! It was Pop the Glock by Uffie. My sister was laughing because when I described her the song I said "gun sounds, and the singer had a name similar to duffy, effie". The song is so shitty but I love it. Some other amazing and obscure music I listened during that time were Tila Tequila, Millionaires, fucking Jefree Star oh my god!!! As you can see the girl making these videos was extremely well versed in this scene-ish myspace internet music. I liked her so much I made Bratz photoshoot videos of my own. Of course I uploaded them to youtube. I even had a video reach 90k-ish views because it was titled Bratz vs. Barbie and there was a shit ton of infighting in the comments. And then we remembered another thing, this corny teenage Polish duo called Blog 27. Their song "Hey Boy" was introduced to me by my friend and I remember hating it at first because the song seemed obnoxious (and thinking back on it I was kinda right, they're so corny lol) but it didn't take me long to start loving their stuff. Oh god they looked so bad though. This is the true teen y2k aesthethic. The fake tween emo aesthethic lmao. And yes their debut album is called "LOL".

My sister also really loved them, and back when we used to spend our summer vacations on an island she'd play their songs on a jukebox in this random bar/restaurant/idk what to call it in english but it's very casual. Anyway how the hell did that jukebox have their songs, idk, they weren't that popular. My favourite song was called "Wid out Ya". God.

Anyway, I went to sleep with a smile on my face after that trip down memory lane. I had to name all of the artists and songs here so I can just look it up here when inevitably I forget again. What a fun time in my life honestly. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for TOKYOCHIICK22, I was thinking of archiving all of her (to me) iconic videos in case even more of them get DMCA'd. I should really do it. It's interesting how something so obscure shaped me as a person. Because of her I got into this part of internet culture, first it was the emo/scene stuff, then it was weeby shit that turned into edgy humor and then imageboard culture etc. Funny how life works.

Unrelated to this I was eating lunch yesterday and I wanted to watch a random youtube video as usual so I clicked on some video that criticized Zuck's Metaverse. The commentator was so annoying though, he seemed to be the type that got all of his personality from 4chan but also tried really hard to be smug about it. I used to have more tolerance for these types of dudes but I actually had to stop mid video and close it. Especially when he said "you know when a person has an anime avatar they're a man of culture ;););)" like what a reddit phrase, it's so outdated by now too. This isn't a 2014 thread about steam pfps. I feel like I'm getting angry at a dumb thing but it seems like he's stuck in that "anime is edgy and not for the normies" phase so whatever he says holds no credibility to me, even if I necessarily don't disagree with him. Just talk normally dude. These types of zingers just didn't cease so I had to stop watching.

November 16th, 2021

I just realized it still says OCTOBER on the top of this months diary. Oh well, I'll fix it later(no I won't.). I just had the best, comfiest, tastiest dream ever. I had a dream I was in some kind of a 5-star amazing hotel with it's own bakery. And the president lady of the hotel was giving me the tour through the kitchen, as she seemed to be the one to establish the bakery and she knew everything about it. She showed me around, and she told me about all sorts of special techniques they make their pastry with. She had a super special technique for Turkish Delight they thought of because it was supposed to be non-sticky or something lol. And then she showed me this pretty big butter roll type of thing. I tried it and it was the fluffiest bread I ever tasted, it was sweet, buttery, milky, heavenly. The texture was.. comforting and magical. God I love dough. I woke up from the nap DROOLING. Didn't do that in years now.

Last Friday I went to the book fair which made me really happy. I loved this book fair ever since I was a child. I have this memory of a strange book someone from my school bought on the fair when I was in elementary school. It was like a book of jokes and other amusing things but when you opened certain pages, they would change??? Like page 50 would look differently if you went to open it the second time. I remember being amazed in the bus when we were going over the book, and I'm still not sure if I dreamt that up or my child brain just couldn't comprehend a simple mechanism. One thing I missed on the fair this year was a lack of dumb shit. By dumb shit I mean random accessories, stationery, gift things, all that. In 6th grade when I went to the fair we bought fake piercings! How silly is that? On a book fair! It's a shame that the past few times I went to it, and this time especially, the fair was lacking in that department. Books wise though, it was great, but the discounts weren't as big in the past either, especially at the publisher's stands. If you looked at bookstore stands they had some pretty good deals. I bought two books. Both by Sayaka Murata, Convenience Store Woman and Earthlings. This bookstore I like had a surprising amount of japanese lit so I found a few others I might want to buy. Anyway, I saw Convenience Store Woman mentioned in a few places in the past few months, so when I saw it I decided to give it a try. Aside from some feminist lit in the past 2 years or books I had to read back when I studied english lit 3 years ago, I don't remember the last time I read books, especially out of my own volition. Actually somewhere around that period of me starting uni I read Kafka's works a lot, but that's all. I was so depressed around that time, well not thanks to Kafka, I think. I just didn't read in a long while, why? I found it really hard to focus, and read without falling asleep. Even if the books were interesting, I just couldn't read more than 30 pages in one sitting, which is kinda lame. But these two books, I read them in three days! First was Convenience Store Woman which was apparently Sayaka's big break. I really liked it, it was pretty short though. The writing is really... sterile and simple. I read it pretty quickly. Yesterday I started reading Earthlings and I finished it in the same day. I actually liked Earthlings more, even though online consensus seems to be that Convenience Store Woman was better. Both have very similar motifs and very similar main characters with similar thoughts and ideas. However, Earthlings seems like CSW on steroids. It goes absolutely bonkers at the ending and I love it for that. Honestly it was a fun and disturbing ride. I really liked it. I hope I can get back into reading books now. My sister bought 1st Harry Potter book at the fair, because she never read it. I actually only read up to book 5 and I barely remember it so we will swap books some time next week. And last year I bought an interesting book that talks about japanese ero-guro obsession which I want to read now more than ever considering it kind of applies to my manga interests lately. My sister borrowed it and forgot to give it back (and I forgot about its existence till now actually). Anyway I definitely recommend both books. They both offer a pretty bleak view on women's position in society and how you're never truly free to do what you want. Earthlings just takes it up a notch.

November 9th, 2021

Fun fact about me, I'm really not a fan of perfume. Ironic because I work in a drug store and have to help customers with describing perfumes and stuff. I have a really hard time smelling the fragrance notes or whatever you call them. To me, perfume always smells alcoholic first, a really sharp unpleasant smell in the back of my throat, and it's almost as if I can taste its unplesantness. That's why I just never use perfume. I wish I could smell like a good fruit tea, or just any random fruit itself. But when you make a perfume out of, I don't know, mandarines, it just doesn't smell good to me anymore. I used to feel sick in the laundry detergent/softener section of the store because of how strong those smells were, but I got used to it by now. Anyway, this is why I don't own any perfumes aside from the one (1) I've been gifted by my boyfriends aunt, I just find them too overwhelming to use. But now I'm going to contradict myself heavily. I can recognise perfumes and smells VERY clearly, when it's related to my memory and specific points in time. That makes no sense, let me explain it better. So exactly around a year ago my coworker bought YSL's Libre and she showed it to me. I thought that for a perfume, the smell is not bad actually. It still bothered me a bit though lol. So I showed it to my mom to hear her opinion and she really loved it. I trusted her opinion and let her spray a bit on my coat because once the perfume wears off a bit it won't be so overbearing but it will linger on the coat. Anyway at the time, I really couldn't tell the notes of that perfume. But today, exactly a year after, we went to this large drugstore again and my mom was like "which YSL perfume did we like again?", so we found it and sprayed it again. And this time, remarkably, I was able to smell citrus, and lavender. Never before was I able to identify a smell like that so clearly, I was a bit proud of myself. I just went to check online if I'm correct, and I am! So basically, if a year passed after I smelled a perfume, I'm able to process it better. Don't know what that tells you about me lol. I also really tie smells with memory in general, but I think everyone has that ability. While I don't really grieve over my inability to use perfumes sometimes I feel a stinge of jealousy when I see people get really passionate about them, like my good friend, or random perfume people on tiktok. I wish I could take joy in identifying smells! At the same time I'm really glad I don't have to spend money on them, but still, having one decent perfume wouldn't be so bad.

November 8th, 2021

Helloooooo it's been two weeks since I last posted. I'm keeping this diary layout because I'm too lazy for web design at the moment. Why you might ask? Well because my aunt kind of... tricked me? Well, when we met up she said she wanted a MODERN looking and functioning site and that she got a decent amount of money from the government for her project and specifically for the upkeep of a website. She said her personal website is hosted on wordpress and she doesn't want that. So I decided to go all out and I went and learned a bit of vue and I made a silly little single page app with the help of my bf. I found a decent server hosting provider and we got a free domain from the government because this is like an NGO and therefore it's entitled to a free domain from the country. Anyway, I went through all of that, I showed the site to my aunt and I told her the price of hosting... And then I get an e-mail from her secretary or something, telling me they want to have a wordpress website after all, but not any type of wordpress website - a free one. Oh my gooooooooood and now I have to learn how to work with wordpress and it's so limiting and dumb, I'm literally just working off a template and inserting text, and I'm too lazy to learn it properly. Apparently to access the css of a webpage you need a premium plan or something? But also you can just insert css into the html boxes that they allow you to put into the website? I don't know, I spent around 2 hrs messing around with it and it's kind of dumb. I wish I had the drive to look into it properly but whatever. Either way I'll be getting compensated for my lost time but like, why wasn't I told right away that this should be a free wordpress site?

In other news, around a week ago I went to watch Dune. It was good! A decent high budget blockbuster, it was entertaining and pretty to look at. Last movie I watched in the cinema was The Lighthouse, and that was 2 years ago. Both me and my sister noticed that we've been seeing a ton of negative "reviews" on tiktok and honestly I was beginning to think the movie might be a bit of a flop, just due to the sheer amount of disappointed impressions I've seen. And then I watched it and it was completely fine??? Most criticisms were that the movie was "too slow" or "not enough dialogue", "boring", "I don't get it", "too many foreign sounding names", "political plot too complicated" etc. When I compare it to the way BR2049 was received it was like night and day, yet BR2049 was a lot slower and atmospheric. What's up with that? Did the quarantine reduce peoples attention spans? Or are young zoomers just that bad at watching movies suddenly... A lot of teens on my fyp seem to be pretty into artsy stuff so it was kind of weird to see these negative reviews because the reviews made everyone sound really dumb lol.

I've got two more announcements... First of all... I got a tattoo!!!!!!!! My first one. My mom, my sister and I got the same one. Sounds super cheesy now that I wrote it but it's so pretty and cute. It's a little cat in a flower and it was done by a really great tatto artist. We made sure to choose a great quality studio and somebody that fits exactly what we're looking for. The art is really simple and doodle-ish which is exactly what all 3 of us wanted. My mom almost cried when she saw the artists sketch which was so cute because she's not a really sentimental person that's easy to cry. But she thought it was that adorable! The whole experience was really positive, the studio and everyone in it was so welcoming and sweet. All in all a great experience. It was not painful at all which has me wondering why people are even.. mistifying the whole tattooing experience. Like why is it even a taboo? Often I see people have extremely negative opinions about tattoos and I can't help but wonder why are their opinions so strong. The permanence is probably of big importance here but idk. At the same time almost everyone I know is tattooed so... Weird! I think I'll write about this some other time.

And now the most important announcement.. my bf got a really good job after a few months of searching!!!!!!!! Now I have to think about moving to him super seriously... This will be a whole new chapter in my life and I'm so excited. I can't wait to see him again hell yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh