September 28th, 2021

It's been 9 days since my last entry and it's obvious why. My new laptop arrived and I've been playing sims obsessively. I can finally use reshade and take pretty screenshots. Sims 4 is a pretty shallow game but the cottage living expansion is surprisingly... interesting? Couple that expansion with living off the grid and starting a legacy challenge and you have yourself a pretty hard start at the game. I dig it honestly, I got more fun from it than the last few expansions that's for sure. Other than sims I picked up a game I was playing with my boyfriend right before my graphics card died. It's called Outward and it's so so fun. Honestly I'm not sure if it's well known at all because I didn't visit any gaming related boards or forums in a long while. It's is an open world rpg with some survival elements - a very typical sounding game in this era but honestly it's really fun. There's a lot to explore, enemies to kill, things to cook and craft and the game makes you utilize all of it, usually I'm too lazy to bother with crafting systems in such games but this one is an exception.

In other news, the coworker I absolutely loathed came back to work at our store. She's been back at bullying me since the moment I saw her in the store. It's funny, when I was a child I never got bullied even though I was awkward and weird. But now that I'm an adult I have a bully at my workplace and the best part... she's 2 years younger than me. I'm pretty sure I shit talked her here before, but I'm about to do it again. She has this weird passive-agressive way of talking down on me, she always calls me by a "cute" nickname coupled with instructing me on everything as if it's my first day at work, even though I've been here for 3 years now. Today was especially infuriating but I had one sweet moment of getting back at her when I told her I'll be leaving this job soon and that I already have 2 things lined up. Ah she looked so salty and I have to admit I reveled in it. It's awful of me but I'm so sick of the way she treats me. I guess she hates this job as much as I am, if she's that insecure about it. My favourite group of coworkers will be leaving tomorrow because the store they originally worked at got reopened. All of those women were so nice and kind it kind of sucks that I'll be stuck with my bully from now on. My manager is trying to drain all of my energy with how many shifts she's been giving me despite me telling her not to and then she has the audacity to be angry at me when I tell her I can't work on the day I'm unavailable on. I hate this place so much, especially as a non confrontational person whose boundaries keep getting crossed. It's so draining.

September 19th, 2021

I went through the 1100 pages of cc on my favourite cc reblogging tumblr. It took me a while but I'm insane so I had fun doing it. My game will probably not work once I start it up but I kind of miss the troubleshooting. That's so masochistic and I'm sure I'll regret saying that tomorrow, or whenever I get my laptop. My mod folder got 5gb fatter so I'll go on a deleting spree later on as well, so many changes happened while I was gone that I had to redownload a ton of shit. I'll be working a lot starting in the middle of the next week, not looking forwards to it but it will probably be the last time I'll work that much at that place. Today I took a great walk with my mom, 9 kilometers! We also took a really cute picture together, usually I hate taking pictures with others because it's so hard to look "alright" in a picture but this time I ended up looking pretty cute. Yesterday I bought two more turtlenecks, my collection is increasing. My winter/autumn wardrobe consists almost solely of turtlenecks but I bought a lot of them through the past 2/3 years when the cropped shirt trend was at it's peak so they all barely cover my waist. The two I bought yesterday are nice and long and I can wear them with my low rise bell bottoms hehe. Truly enjoying my 70's inspired autumn wardrobe. I might be seeing my uni friends soon which I'm looking forwards to. Oh and also I'll be starting a job at my university as kind of an.. assistant in the web design class. The class is really basic so I'll have an easy time helping the students I think. I can't wait!

September 15th, 2021

I should be doing my essay (and I will be over the weekend) but a couple of days ago I got a severe craving for something. That something being... Sims 4. Since day before yesterday I've been catching up on updates and mods because the last time I played sims was in January judging by my screenshots. I checked my favourite cc page and there's 1100 pages I have to sift through. 700 left so the progress is fine. I'm planning on buying a new laptop so I can play games I like again, nothing too new so I don't care if it's crazy good, but I found something decent. I'll completely delete windows on my current laptop and I'll finally switch fully to linux unlike now where I have a dual boot. I'm still thinking about what to switch on, I'll need something versatile because I'll be using it for my front end work. I fell into the cc downloading hole like 5 times today I need to calm down. I also went and ate at a fish restaurant with my mom and sis, it was so good and cheap. And it's in the town centre wtf. Apparently it's barely been changed since 1945 and I love the inside. I have to find my manager soon and tell her I won't be able to work much anymore. That will be hard. Oh and today is the first day I woke up with kind of a crusty nose, there was a bit of dried blood on it. Idk how since I haven't felt anything at all that day but I guess the healing process started up now. When I woke up and saw the scar I thought it was an irritation bump at first and I got scared lol. Even though it's too early for something like that to show up but it really stood out. Another thing, I think I finally found the right-ish shade of lipstick. All dark red lipsticks I try out tend to be on the pink/purple side, but this one is more brown-ish which is exactly what I wanted. It goes much better with my eyeshadow that I'm into currently. I look like a sick vampire and I love it, even though I put on makeup like once a month tops lol. That's it for today, I have to rest my eyes because cc shopping makes them hurt.

September 13th, 2021

This Saturday was great. My friend came to visit, we ate pizza and then I basically walked her throughout my whole town. I picked such a great day for her to visit because there was a little aero meeting happening in the town centre so we watched the planes from the top of my building. Comfy. We also went down to the beer festival in the evening and drank some good beer. Usually I prefer dark lagers but both of the ones I drank were light and I loved them. One was a bit citrusy and the other had this flowery sweetish taste to it. One thing I'm always anxious about when I spend the whole day with people is running out of things to talk about. My mind tends to go blank more often than I'd like, and it's a problem when I'm hanging out with someone that I don't know for my whole life basically lol. However, this time it didn't happen and I had so much fun honestly. I really enjoy this friendship, the type I didn't have with a girl for a long long time. Yesterday I walked her off to the station and then later in the day I went to have a little meeting with my aunt about the site she wants me to make. It doesn't seem too complicated as it's a static site and the only user input it will receive might be polls or something. I'm looking forward to this as I'll be able to maybe quit my current job finally. Good things are happening!

The dumb site I'm on is just getting dumber and dumber. I could write a whole manifesto with how baffled I am but you know what? I won't! Maybe it's for the better. The amount of hypocrisy and the lack of empathy is astounding. Nobody wants to be understanding and all they do is wait for the next fuckup so people can be cancelled. It's unsettling that a lot of these people are 18+ and that they still act like that... Oh well, I'll rant about this some other day. I should really just start ignoring the forum big time.

September 10th, 2021

My piercing is healing fine, no blood or swelling or anything so I'm happy. My friend is coming to visit me this weekend for the first time, she's never been to my town before. She'll be staying over as we're probably going to stay up late. There's a beer festival this weekend so we're going to drink a lot of craft beer. I can't wait to show her around my favourite lonely places in town lol. Yesterday I was busy photoshopping an image for a competition in that cursed game... I think I did a pretty good job but some people really outdid themselves. We will see how I place. I learned some pretty cool photoshop tricks, I made this glitchy/cyberpunkish image and I mixed up a few layers of tv static images so it ended up looking alright. I like photoshop I just feel so clunky when I use the program. It still feels unintuitive despite having couple years of experience. The past few days have been filled with drama on that site, and yesterday I got too brave and commented a bit. I was having fun with kind of gaslighting kids though, I avoided drama every time with it but I need to be careful. I imply x, get called out for saying x and then I say "but I said the opposite of x!" and everyones like "oh yes you're right I'm sorry!! /gen /nm". Their reading comprehension is so bad though, every time I write a well thought out post they just completely ignore it. Even 27 year olds there can't read. There's this weird obsession these kids have with blackfishing and gyaru from early 2000s, where they make threads posting a picture of tanned girls and saying "this is offensive, why were they allowed this?" like every other day when blackfishing wasn't a topic being discussed AT ALL in subcultures outside of the USA in the early 2000's, hell I don't even know if it was a big deal in the USA. Outside of being aware of what minstrel shows were, I don't think anybody gave 2 fucks to have discourse about it. And then this fully grown adult woman comes to me and says "blackface has been around for 100+ years.". No shit sherlock, that wasn't my point at all. Jesus people are stupid. Hell, there was a kid being outraged that someone in some random tiktok comment drew parallels between Slavs and black people, and then that same kid went on to confuse Slavs with Roma people. I can't stop reading this shit and seething, send help. I hope I got my fill of it yesterday.

I have an insane urge to play the sims 4. I have like 15 gb of mods just sitting and collecting dust on my pc, and I'm thinking of all the mods and cc I missed out on since hmm January? I don't remember the last time I played it. I can't wait to save up enough money for a new laptop. I'm so close and I'm wondering if I should wait until black friday. But I'll be busy with my thesis in november... I don't know where this craving came from but I really want to do a good old legacy challenge even though sims 4 sucks with that. Wish I could just buy a proper pc but with me possibly moving countries soon it won't be convenient.

September 7th, 2021

I got a piercing today!! It basically looks like this, not my nose though.

It was super hard to find examples of piercings that look like flat studs? I think it's called pin stud in english (we call it plate) but when I google that I get extremely shitty results of all kinds of random piercings so I'm not sure. I'm planning on getting a ring once it heals (in 5-6 months sob sob), but honestly I'm really liking this one too. It's really simple and flat looking, I don't like when studs look like they're portruding so to speak. Due to it being fresh it's not as tightly fastened in case my nostril swells a bit. Nothing so far but we will see tomorrow morning. In 3 weeks I'm getting it fastened. I honestly had a hard time imagining myself with a piercing but I always wanted one. I'm really satisfied, my biggest fear was that it wouldn't fit me. I love jewelry that you don't take off so piercings seem great in that regard. I'm really lazy when it comes to earrings, necklaces etc. My rings and bracelets don't come off once I buy them, so they always have to be lowkey and simple. The whole procedure barely hurt, it didn't feel much different from getting vaxxed. After the pinch I just felt burning and heat for the next 20 mins or so, but it wasn't an uncomfortable pain. All in all, a pleasant experience. The piercer was nice and I felt comfortable around her so I love her for that. My mom and sister love the piercing, my dad seemed shocked at first but when my mom reminded him of his numerous ear piercings in his youth he warmed up to it. My biggest worry are my grandparents, they're going to absolutely hate it and disown me for it. I'm only half-joking, but they will definitely hate it. They called my sister a whore once for having fake nails for her prom. It's weird because I love both of them, and they have really good views on religion and all sorts of views on nationalities which most of my country struggles with, but something as silly as a tattoo or a piercing gets them angry. I don't really get it, but I can't live my life worrying myself with what will grandpa think. The world moved on from them a while ago! Cue dewey's voice: The future is now old man!!

My friend got her earlobe pierced with me. But before that we went to a cafe and I met a really good friend of hers! She's the terminally online type, but in a good way. Also I like the way she dresses, very y2k emo except she's been this way since middle school 13ish yrs ago which I respect. We talked about some funny fandom stuff, John Green related because the two of them are rereading The Fault in our Stars in order to see how cringy it is now that they both grew up. I realized I never actually met a person that's been a proper tumblr fandom type. Not even back when I studied English lit. There was one girl who was a big Harry Potter fan so she might've been that type of person I def heard her mention fanfiction once or twice but I didn't know her well enough to judge. Anyway, we had a nice time and I hope I'll see her again sometime. That is all for today!

September 5th, 2021

I just realized I wrote the wrong date for my diary entry yesterday. Lol? Today was really chill, I read a lot of manga, looked for new manga to read and I... thought of giving my site another revamp. I need to find a new hobby but I know I'll forget about it as soon as I start getting into uni stuff again. I have one leftover essay left to do in the next two weeks and then I need to jump on my thesis again. I just want this to be over. Once my bf gets a job I'm moving to his country hopefully. Maybe then I'll have more time to devote to my hobbies, but I'll feel like a leech if he's working and I stay unemployed for a long while due to the whole moving process. I'll have to learn a new language though... Excuses. I do know that in the future I'd love to be hosting my own site and get into having my own server and stuff. I've been reading a bit about it already. I also want to start learning js more than I already know now. I feel like I barely grasped the fundamentals and that stupid language is everywhere. Next weekend my friend might be visiting my town and sleeping over in my house for the first time. I feel like I'm 12, I'm so excited. I actually didn't have any friends sleeping over since I was 12 or 11 so that was an accurate thing to say. Yesterday at work I had a little nostalgic thought pop into my head. I remembered how my best friend from elementary school would knock on my door each morning to go to school. She'd climb to the third floor each morning, that's pretty cute. She could've rang the intercom but she probably didn't want to wake the rest of my family up. I feel like I miss her a bit. She's one of the rare people in my life I was 100% honest with and we were best friends for around 6 or 7 years. In hindsight it's not a long time, but those were my formative years. We loved each other so much, and then we just drifted apart. I don't know who started drifting away first, was it me that started hanging out with another girl (more like pathetically tag along), or was it her that got close to a girl from a dance class she went to? I think it was her because dance class was in 5th grade, and me hanging out with the other girl was in 6th grade. I still remember confessing to her about how badly the other girl was treating me, so we stayed close for a little while in 6th or 7th grade. I think I even shortly got her into anime. God, we did so many cringe things together. I wonder how she feels about this. Does she ever miss me? I think it's just strange to "end" a relationship with barely any resentment or negative feelings on either side, or without some kind of an event, a culmination of some feelings or something. It feels unresolved and it's lacking a conclusion. This is going to sound so dumb but I saw her share a post on facebook about someone selling a used car. Same color and brand my parents had when I was a child. And I can't help but wonder, did she remember me when she saw that car? We used to use each others license plate numbers for passwords on various sites. It's just small things like that, I wonder if I left some kind of a mark on her life. I actually still use a password she thought of, so she could easily get into most of my old socials and insignificant places where I haven't bothered changing the password.

September 4th, 2021

Boring day at work again. My manager told me she won't be needing me next week. Perhaps I really won't be called much during september/october. That would be ideal! My aunt might be needing me to help her with editing a website, I know she's involved with politics and even got a budget to pay a student to help her so I might earn some money. Plus, it'll look good on my resume which is the most important part, I need experience.

My interest for that cursed forum is getting smaller, but not because of me naturally losing interest, I tend to be pretty devoted to things I like. It's just that the site got a lot quieter after some recent changes and the spaces that are still active are honestly not worth posting in. They're full of 14 year old kids accusing random artists on the site for being racist for really, REALLY dumb reasons. It's just an endless slew of drama, cancellings, vitriol, hate and double standards, ohhh the double standards. Latest example: a popular user got banned because she doxxed an artist. First she insulted the artist for not knowing how to color black faces well, and all of her friends joined in, it was total bullying with 0 constructive advice. Funnily enough they told her "if you can't color black faces well, don't bother doing it at all!" if the artist did that, they would probably boycott her because she's racist or just plain bully her for not having her skins in darker skin tones. Another thing that's really funny is that the same problems that are present in the darker skins of that artist are also present in the lighter skins too. Meaning that's just the artists style, and it's not for everyone, but I digress. Anyway the popular user ended up getting banned, and people called racism. Honestly that's par of the course but I still can't get over it. 3 days later a new user with a rare name shows up. It's pretty hard for legitimate new players to get rare usernames because obviously, they'd have to know they're not taken or they'd have to buy it from another user (which you obv can't do if you haven't joined the site yet). The new user is clearly an alt account of the banned user. Alt accounts are against the rules. So anyway, someone notices how weirdly similar the typing styles are and they make a thread inquiring about it. Suddenly all the popular user's friends show up and start actually gaslighting the op of the thread by saying shit like "i have no idea what you're talking about, this is clearly a new user and you shouldn't make them feel uncomfortable, why are you unnecessarily playing detective, this new user is pretty funny so I don't mind them" and so on. It was pretty entertaining to read. But the best part is, this whole group of users are the same people that regularly make callout posts, try to get others banned for the dumbest shit and they have no problems with abusing the strict rules of the site to get what they want. But when their friend got rightfully banned they have the gall to cry racism and call the rules too strict or something. This shit annoys me to no end and it's hard to watch from the sidelines while keeping my mouth shut. And the mods can't do shit about it because they'll get called racists too if they put their foot down.

Now that I got that off my chest, I won't have the desire to butt in those threads at all, hopefully. Nostril piercing 3 days. My friend will be going with me, but she's getting a conch piercing. We'll be getting pierced by a woman which calms me a bit. Not that I'd mind getting pierced by a dude BUT I noticed, often times a lot of male tattoo artists/piercers tend to have this scary holier than thou attitude especially when you're a first timer so that's my main fear. There's a really skilled tattoo artist in my town and I think he's either year younger or a year older than me and I even remember him from middle school. I heard so many bad stories about his attitude that it makes me not ever want to go to him despite his skill. It's just off-putting. I think he even goes on public rants about tattoos on facebook or something which is a bit cringe lol.

September 1st, 2021

Ohoho new layout! I don't know if I'll be doing it every month from now on, but I'll definitely try! Today I didn't work so I went to shop a bit hehe. My favourite jeans started tearing apart a bit so it's about time I replaced them. In my mind I had a specific type of pants that I wanted. Something like this:

but as it turns out, I couldn't find any?!? No mens section had pants like these, either the belt loop part was elastic or there was elastic at the bottom, or they were cropped at the bottom. To be fair I only looked at h&m, pull and bear and bershka for male pants like those. I should've looked at Zara but it's needlessly overpriced when the clothes quality is the same as the above stores. However, I found a great pair of loose straight fit jeans at h&m and I was amazed at how cool they fit me. I always avoided h&m jeans because they'd fit me weirdly but these were perfect. Finally a pair of loose jeans that's tight at my waist, fits my hips but then doesn't suffocate my thighs, instead it looks a bit loose right below the butt. Hard to explain but basically I have pretty thick thighs for my frame so most pants fit me weirdly. Anyway these are exactly what I wanted for a long time now. I wanted to buy more than one because I liked them so much and sadly these were literally the last of that type. I can't even find it on the website ;_;. I never buy multiple pairs of the same jeans but these were just so perfect I'm sad they're sold out. And I also bought a brown button up shirt. Turtlenecks and slightly oversized button ups have been my shirts of choice lately, there's just no other type of female blouse/shirt that looks nice and doesn't make me look too formal? Or old? So it's either those two or male graphic shirts for me lol. Well, sweaters too but I see that as really casual wear that I wear when I'm extra lazy. This summer I fell in love with male linen button ups. They're amazing for hot weather, much better than tight crop tops even. If you sweat you don't make the whole shirt entirely wet and it even makes the area a bit windy because they're spacious. My sister is telling me I started to dress like a butch lesbian lately but I still wear skirts and dresses.. sometimes. Also male button ups just tend to be made from a better material and have better designs on them. Women's buttonups are so often made from polyester, and I'd smell like death if I wore those in public transport during 36°C weather. Speaking of male vs. female clothes, it seems that if you want to go for the bare basics when it comes to accessories, male ones are just so much better. Belts for example. Today I was searching for a decent belt, I went through so many stores and all women's belts have some kind of fancy accessories on them, weird belt buckles, weird belt holes. No plain basic black or brown belts, they all need to be ruined by something. I go take a look at male belts in h&m, they're made of real leather and they look simple and perfect. AhhH!! Even male rings and bracelets are cooler lol. It really frustrated me today. I've got nothing against buying male clothing of course which I've been doing since middle school, but it sucks sometimes because male belts for example, you'll have a hard time fidning one in your size. One last thing while I'm talking about clothes, I have a clothing item that's on my wishlist... A cargo maxi skirt. Just look at it! With the y2k revival that arrived recently, I thought these would appear in stores but they haven't! Seems zoomers don't think they're cool enough. I go to second hand stores in my area pretty often but I didn't come across a skirt like this yet. However even if I do find it in a thrift store, it's likely that it will be low waisted which I don't reeeeally want, well I could make it work with oversized sweaters and shirts but still. Actually maybe i couldn't, recently I had to come terms with the fact that whenever I try to cover my hips with oversized shirts I look like a potato because my waist gets hidden. I lose all shape and look much bigger than I really am. That's one flaw about being pear shaped but hey! I can't have it all! That's why I'd love a more high waisted version!! Which is why I think it's a shame they haven't returned yet, since they'd be more adapted to our modern fashion. Low waisted clothing makes me feel horrible whenever I squat or bend over, it's just so inconvenient. At work I wear this old pair of my moms linen pants and my underwear is bursting out every time I squat and I squat a lot. So I'm just constantly lifting them up awkwardly.

Lastly, I made an appointment for a nostril piercing. I'm super excited! I wanted a nostril piercing since 6th grade of middle school, and back then I wanted it for a reason I'm a bit too embarassed to say now. Well it's a really lame reason but I'm still embarassed.