24th of June
I slept over at my friends house yesterday. Had a great time as usual. Her brother showed us a teen show he helped produce (he works for a production company) for some popular teens magazine. As usual I feel like these teens magazines, just like in my time, cater to mostly tweens that want to imagine what being a teen is like. Anyway, since the production value was high and good quality the show is kind of well made but the plot is.. wow. It's like our domestic attempt at Euhphoria kind of. I think the slang (which is something these "teen shows" can never get right) is actually okay-ish but incredibly hard to listen to nonetheless. But what shocked me the most was the setting of the show. It was set in what seems to be an extremely fancy private school in our country which is just kind of wow to me. We're not a very rich country and I assume this shit is not representative of like 95% of our school kids and how their school experience is. Most kids here go to normal public schools. Not to mention the way they dressed the high school students in heels and really skimpy outfits, it really seems Euphoria inspired except it comes across as extremely bougie because of the setting i.e. well they get to dress like that and not follow the rules because their parents are dirty rich (most likely because of political corruption)! Because of that the setting leaves a bad taste in my mouth as all characters are automatically assumed to be spoiled and privileged. It's extremely unrelatable and I wonder if the kids will eat it up. The plot is about a transfer student from the UK coming to study in that private school and befriending a group of """outsiders""" through a huge NLOG main female character with the obligatory abusive bf. Drama and love triangles ensue. Oh and their hang out spot is the NLOG's basement that her parents (or idk who) are planning to turn into a gym which makes her very bummed out :(. I love how she described the schools obligatory mean girl bully as "rich" when anyone in that school is probably filthy rich already lol... It's extremely hard to like a cast that's in a totally different caste of society almost yet they're kind of shown to us to be "relatable" or whatever, and I guess it hits especially hard because it's so geographically close.
10th of June, 2022: shitty, toxic, ultra close, almost gay female friendships
Today I felt like reminiscing a bit. I was reading the manga thread on lc yesterday, and I came across a post about Nana and this part caught my eye:

Most importantly, I like the focus on female relationships. It's a weirdly unprobed subject in manga; where are the shitty, toxic, ultra close, almost gay female friendships?

First of all, this is indeed an underexplored concept in manga and I wish there were more of it. Rarely will a friendship be the focus as opposed to a romantic relationship, yet friendships can be way more intense and dramatic in a different way, coupled with weird dynamics. Second of all, which is what I'll mainly be writing about here, is my own experience with a friendship like this. Why is this experience so universal? I was around 12, and it was the summer I started listening to pop-punk. A classmate of mine came back from a family vacation and randomly asked me to hang out with her. We never hung out much before, so this was kind of out of nowhere. It's so funny when you think about it, how easy it is to make friends in middle school. Anyway, by total chance, she started listening to the same music I did during that summer vacation and we bonded over it hardcore. For the first few months, it was just me and her. Exploring random places, sitting and talking near the train tracks and watching the trains pass by as we stood way too close. Hanging out at her house and sleeping over. I spent all of my free time with her. Soon after, she started introducing me to a lot of people. She was extremely extroverted, I was the shy lost puppy always following her. Despite her having and making so many friends, she would always turn back to me for my advice (lol) and rant to me about her "friends" and the latest drama and rumors. I followed her wherever she went to, but I was often left ignored by her flavor of the week friends. It didn't bother me much, because I was only there for her. I wanted to look cool for her. Only I went to her house to sleep over and film funny videos on our matching Sony Ericsson W910i's. In my mind, I was strangely possesive of her although I never expressed it. I'm not sure whether I would call it a full blown crush. Mainly because I've never experienced such intense feelings for a girl ever again. She was very much the type of "I'd kiss a girl in front of guys for attention and edgyness" type of alt (well back in those days, just punk not alt) girl, and yeah, I kind of wished that was me. The first two boyfriend's I've had - one of the reasons I dated them was to keep closer to her. Amidst me crushing on her though, I've come to realize she's not all that. Sometimes it seemed as if she put her flavour of the week friends over me, and that she would come running to me when she got bored of them. She didn't have a strong personality of her own, rather she just copied whoever she was hanging out with currently to a ridiculous degree. I was the only one who noticed, as I was the only one that stuck around long enough. Fashion style, speech patterns, the way in which she used social media, music and specific bands she was into, lace code, specific subcultures, haircuts, hair color - all of those changed a multitude of times over the 2 years we've been best friends. She would always choose to copy the most popular person of the group to impress them. She was very pliable. Attention-starved. I knew that would lead to trouble eventually. And just like that, I was out of her life, and she was out of mine. My feelings were brief and she no longer had an interest in me once she realized how much attention she can get from men, and how much comfort she can get from drugs, as opposed to me. We went to become total strangers in high school and I've only talked to her once since then.
5th of June, 2022: The trip back home
I'm back in my family home. What a trip it was... where to begin. Let's see. 3 days before the trip I sprained my ankle in a bus. I'm pretty sure this was my first time to twist an ankle, so I didn't know what to expect pain wise, whether it was broken etc. I was really frustrated at first because it just had to happen 3 days before the trip. Luckily, it healed well enough by that day that I could walk without limping, and that I could even run a bit... Running was much needed because my first flight was an hour and half late, even more. I was supposed to have a 2hr 40 layover so you can see why the need for running was there. During the first flight that was 4 hours long I was mostly fidgeting and my anxiety was through the roof. I managed to tire myself enough to fall asleep for a bit but as soon as I saw the time and that my boarding was starting in 20 mins and we were only just descending more anxiety came in. Now, I was well prepared to have to stay a night and get on the next flight, and it's not like it would have been the end of the world, but I was mostly scared for my luggage which wasn't with me and of course the hassle of having to organise and complain and request and etcetcetc. The flight landed 10 minutes before boarding, and I was filled with optimism. Then, instead of putting that tunnel that connects the plane with the gate we had buses, so my optimism quickly left me. There were 2 and I got into the fuller one, hoping it would leave first as I've had that experience before. It seemed they waited for both of the buses to fill and I saw how frustrated everyone was. It seemed as if everyone there had a connecting flight they were about to miss. One of them in particular, this 2m tall and huge (as in buff? large? not fat, really intimidating) middle-aged american dude in a suit was asking for a driver and joking around the bus asking if anyone would like to volunteer to drive a bus. I asked him if he has the same layover as me to find myself someone to stick to, but sadly he didn't. I told him about my connecting flight and he jokingly said I'd probably have to deal with the fact I'll be sleeping and sightseeing the city I was in. However he helped me get to the correct gate, so bless his heart and his light-heartedness as it really calmed my nerves. By the time we reached the airport I didn't know what to expect anymore, it was 2 mins before the gates for my flight would close and I still had to go through security. After security I heard the american dude yell to me "you'll be fine" and I finally got to see the little scheduled flights monitor, the boarding for my flight was delayed by 15 mins and it hadn't even started yet. Finally I could pee after holding it in the whole last flight, and I managed to get on the flight, sweaty, but relieved. Then another thought occured to me. I have made it, but has my luggage made it with me? I left that anxiety for later though, as I was too tired to function at this point. I read a book a bit and relaxed. I think the flight was 1.5-2hrs long, I can't even tell anymore. When we landed I went to the baggage claim. It took really long for the baggage to come out but after like 45 mins it finally started rolling out. So I waited. And waited. At the end there were 5 of us around the baggage claim, two of which I recognized to have been with me in the first flight, so I asked them to confirm. They said yes. The other pair was also from the same late flight. I said I'll go speak to the lost and found and report back with all the info I receive, to make it easier for them since all of them were foreigners in this country. I was a bit relieved to have not been the only one to not get my baggage though, as it confirmed what I was anxious about - the baggage just didn't make it to this flight, as it was super late. I spoke to the guy at the lost and found and he filled up a form with me regarding my baggage. He said it's good that there's only 5 of us and that the baggage will arrive to our home addresses (or wherever these tourists were staying). The rest of the day I proceeded to read about lost baggage and how it works, I was getting prepared for the worst, even though the statistics were in my favour. The next day I received the call and the baggage arrived pretty quickly to my home address. Luckily I only live 40 mins from the airport. And to top it all of, for the whole duration of this adventure (and now, still) the right side of my face is a bit swollen because my wisdom tooth is growing and my jaw is killing me. What an event huh. I learned my lesson, never have short layovers, or take a direct flight. I already had a late flight with a short layover before, I don't know why I repeated the same mistake again...
31st of May, 2022
It's been a while since I wrote in my diary, but that's because I wrote a couple of entries I didn't finish, and now I failed to add them. I'll probably add them at a later date. In 3 days, I'll be back in my country. Can't believe it's been 3 months already. My bf and I will be apart for a month and a half and then he's coming to visit me and finally meet my family properly. He already met my mom, sister and my grandma. After that, I'll probably come back here but I need to finish my thesis and eventually defend it. I hate it, I hate that I have to finish it and I think I won't be able to defend it this year because one subject fucked me over and I might not be able to do it because of that. I can't believe I'm dragging my uni for so long, but at this point I do not care. I'm so tired of how messy it is, how you have to suffer so much just to get the basic things done. I envy people that had a smooth time in uni. Bureocracy sucks. I can't wait to meet with my friends and go to the river like I did last year. It'll be a nice summer, my thesis aside. I hate how time passes so quickly, I feel like I'm struggling with it a lot.
I've been reading manga lately, put books aside for a bit. Currently I'm preoccupied with the concept of travelling and... passages of time I guess. Aside from the stuff I reviewed I also read Rapid Commuter Underground and Kotonoba Drive with that theme. I also started reading Maki Kusumoto's works but even though I'm really enjoying the weirdness of it all, I don't think I'll be able to review it properly. Sometimes even when I think something is awesome and special, I can't really describe it properly or elaborate on my feelings about it. I finally finished DeDeDeDe (how many De's..) yesterday and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I made the same mistake I did with Punpun a whole ass decade ago. I started reading the manga before the last/last two volumes were published, and once they were finally out and translated, when I read them I didn't feel as connected to the work anymore, nor did I remember all the details properly. The ending of DeDeDe is more disappointing than Punpun, but on the whole I feel like the work is more positive and enjoyable. This is why I don't think I'll be able to write a review about it, I truly have goldfish memory when it comes to any kind of media.
Aside from manga, I'm still playing Tera, hardcore. I'm playing a sorcerer outside of my guild because frankly I sometimes get overwhelmed by my guildies and things they expect me to do for them. If I'm online and theres 2-4 more people on, they'll always expect me to do start a party and do things with them but they have to be easy comfortable things they want to do, so I end up doing dungeons I don't really feel like doing. Sometimes I just want to join random lfgs and not think too much about things. Another reason why I'm not in the guild on my sorc is because, well, I kind of suck! I haven't played sorc since 2015 and the class had I think 2 whole revamps since then, and there's a lot of nuance to it now. Oh and I have a funny thing that happened to me... When gearing up on this private server, one of the last pieces of good gear you'll acquire are a belt, brooch and a mask. The mask and belt being the more annoying ones to get. I was doing a dungeon with my guildie (the one that likes to spam me with dms) and a few randoms, and we were joking around saying how masks and belts break friendships because people want them so badly and they're so expensive that if you get the drop - even if you don't need it you'd rather sell it than giving it to your buddies. Which of course is ridiculous because this is a private server, and you should always have your guildies in mind right? My friend agreed, and he said he'd give me a physical mask (he needs a magical one) if he ever got it, completely unprompted. I don't really care much for it myself but it seemed like a kind gesture. Later on that same day after I went to sleep, he got a physical mask... and he immediately posted in the trade channel wanting to trade it for a magical one. He got like 50 offers from others that wanted to just buy it because physical masks are a lot more sought after and he even messaged me to brag about it, also complaining how he hasn't been able to find anyone to trade it for. So I just said if he doesn't find a trade he wants, I'd gladly buy it from him. Somehow his selflessness from earlier totally vanished which I found so funny. Funnily enough, later that day another guildie of mine got the same mask, and he's the type that loves to make money off the broker. But guess what, he gave me the mask right away, didn't even suggest selling it first. It's funny how people behave and get overwhelmed by greed, even in silly little video games.
17th of May, 2022
Haven't been doing much of anything past few days, aside from playing tera. I'm really happy to be playing an alive version of the game, but with it also come certain negatives. I said I'll be helping with gearing the guild once I'm done gearing myself, and that if any mods need fixing me and my bf can look into it. So far not many people took up the offer, and I mostly forcefully shoved mats and gold down peoples throats because otherwise they'd be too polite too ask. That's how it is in mmos. But one player, oh god. He took the offer and ran it into the ground. Every day I get a million discord dms asking me to fix xyz, to help him with xyz mat, to do this, to look into that, to edit ingame files???? Like shit. I don't have the will to do that much. Then he asks me to fix a version of a mod (fixing a mod usually entails just swapping some values to match the protocols of that certain patch, but it's very tedious having to do it manually) THAT ALREADY EXISTS, except it doesn't have a stupid ui. Take the working mod I already have AGHHHHH. I feel a bit mean for writing this because I did put myself out there in the first place... But I have my limits lmao. I was thinking of writing or copying and archiving some guides myself and putting it here, but driving in traffic from tera players would be an absolute nightmare. It sucks how a lot of old tera fansites with guides went down, and it sucks even more how all the old info got overwritten in all the class discords because people can't into archiving. So finding guides for old dungeons is kind of a problem at the moment. While I'm complaining, another thing that annoyes me is a specific type of Tera player that can be found on the subreddit. Not so quick rundown: back when Tera first came out, BAMs (big ass monsters you'd fight in the open world) were pretty hard. It took a whole party to kill them because they were tanky and they hit hard. While leveling it was worth killing them and farming them for xp. At some point, a couple years into the games lifespan something called avatar weapons came out. Those weapons were meant to ease and speed up leveling and they were OP, which kind of made farming bams really easy, they were not that hard anymore. Thing is, you'd only do that while leveling. It kinda sucks it happened, but let's face it, the main point of tera are the dungeons and the endgame. This wasn't that big of a loss. But this group of people, any time any tera discussion happens, whether it be mentioning private servers, classic servers, reminscing about tera, they never fail up to bring up the "will this version have hard bams?" question. It pisses me off to no end because you can fight even harder versions of those bams in dungeons! How was this the most important part of the game to them, I don't get it! I fought hard bams in the classic server, and I fought hard bams when world bosses got reintroduced and were impossible to defeat alone, I did. I kind of understand the appeal in an open world fight where other players can hop in to help, it's kind of fun but it can't possibly be -the point- of the game. What I hate about these players is this weird mentality that the game is losing a really valuable player, even though they'd just log on, kill a couple of bams, make a thousand low level alts and never participate in the community. And I don't judge how people play mmos because tera really is the only mmo I found reaching and staying at the endgame was easy and fun for me. But ugh this question in particular is just so annoying. If you want challenging leveling, go solo level in group dungeons. I've been doing this for years and the process never got too boring, it's quite fun and it can be even harder than the old hard bams. I think it would be possible to suggest hard BAMS to the devs of Menmas tera, and it could be something you could ask for in the future. I don't think that plopping monsters in the open world is hard to code in compared to other stuff, so it's definitely a possibility. But you have to ask for it and suggest it!! Not act offended as if that's the most important feature that's missing when 95% of the players don't really care about it. Also while Tera has some decent background music, especially when in the open world, boss music never stood out to me too much except for this one. It's a boss theme for one of the funnest (people would def argue with me for this) bossfights in the game lmao. It's so GOOD. This one also, it's a theme for a small town.
In other news, consquences of my own actions are catching up to me. The skin on my sunburnt scalp started peeling off and dear lord, I looked like I had the worst case of dandruff in the world. I was combing it out for an hour or so, what an experience. It was actually pretty fun to get it all out with a comb but my long hair made it a pain in the ass. It reaches my hips now, the longest it's ever been I'm pretty sure. I had a super realistic dream about my cat this night. I sniffed her fur and pet her lmao. At least I can see her in my dreams now, I guess!
I wanted to write about some funny beef between everskies and vp users but I ran out of energy so maybe next time. Time for yoga and a shower I think.
12th of May, 2022: Discord
This post made by Cyuucat inspired me to write this diary entry so I recommend you read it first before reading mine. Interestingly enough, my experience with discord has been quite different from Cyuucat, and I wanted to write about it for quite some time anyway so this is quite convenient.
I've been using discord since 2015. The first discord I joined was a guild discord for an mmo I was playing. To this day, that is one of the top three discord servers I use and actively talk in. I've joined many servers, not for the purpose of socializing, but mostly game servers, guide servers, shit like that. I made many online friends that way, and I don't even really like making internet friends because I feel like chatting 1 on 1 is a bit of a chore for me, since my interests take up most of the time I spend on a computer. Every time I would try to join a "Discord Community" a la those type of servers you see on server advertising websites, it would be an absolute cancer fest. Even back then. I do realize that's a subjective experience though, judging by Cyuucats post.
The most important advice I would have for one looking for a good discord server to meet likeminded individuals in is: don't. You don't want to look for a Discord Community, you want to look for a Community That Happens to Have a Discord. Whether that be interests and hobbies like tech, videogames, weeb shit, books, films, politics etc. even imageboard discords can be decent (although I think discord does more harm than good to imageboards lmao, and it certainly depends on the imageboard because really, discord trannies are a thing). It's kind of like giving advice to men that are desparate for a gf. You won't meet a girl you like in a random public space, most likely you'll meet her through your interests or through friend's of friends.
What Cyuucat said about all good discords being private is true. Any decent discord will either be private or won't have a way of accessing it through those websites that advertise discords. Those types of servers are mostly aimless and populated by people that really are like.. discord users first and foremost. They usually just devolve into dating and grooming drama, meaningless shitposting and circlejerks. Ideally, you want a discord that's not full of seasoned discord veterans, instead it has a ton of people that are like "hey I don't know jack shit about discord but I like this community so I'll join". Ideally, you want to be one of the first waves of people joining because it helps with feeling like being a part of a growing community, but I know that's not exactly an easy task, and it only makes the whole search harder.
At the end of the day though, luck will play a large part. 2 servers I'm really happy with are 4chan adjacent for gods sake, how that happened it would be hard to explain. Pure luck that a group of semi normal and decent people joined those discords at a specific point in time when they were available to join. One of them being a discord for a group of people that look for private servers of an old korean mmo, that I don't even play. It's funny how things work out sometimes. Along with it being luck based there's just one more thing - when you open access to everyone, when there's a low barrier to entry, you're bound to have a bad time.
9th of May, 2022
It's been a couple of days, and I feel better. I still get sad if I see a cat that resembles her but I think the worst part has passed. Or it's only about to come, when I arrive back home and the reality of it all hits me. Losing a pet sucks. Talking about it with my sister and mom really helped.
Don't want to stick around sad topics to much, so time to move on. I'm playing Tera (again), but this time on a private server. Dear god, it's so good. The whole community must be on some kind of a euphoria high, because the server seems to be well maintained, so many users came back and people even talk!! in dungeons. The last 2 years where I'd play on and off in the retail versions people wouldn't even say tyfp when done with the dungeon. Radio silence. Or they'd talk in russian if they were from the russian server. A lot of my old guild came back too, which makes me happy. A lot of dungeons are currently available and it's fun to relearn stuff with old players, honestly I'm having a blast. Gearing is easy, the main thing to grind for is the costumes and some mount buff. You can even grind for the premium sub. Fun times, honestly. Retail version is closing in a few weeks and I haven't even bothered logging on yet, I'll probably log on the closing day. The publisher messed up by giving this server wide cooldown reduction buff or something, so you can't even enjoy dungeons in a proper way the last days you're able to play. As a result of that, the game is totally deserted. I hope this private server stays for a while, because it's truly nice.
Yesterday my boyfriend had a day off work, so we went to the beach and to some fancy seafood restaurant my dad recommended us, because he saw it on some obscure tv channel he loves to watch lately lmao. We decided to order something neither of us ate before, which was kind of a mistake. You had crabs, mussels, shrimps and calamari in some kind of a coconut sauce with curry and something else. While I absolutely love seafood, I didn't like this because of the sauce. Ahhhh. The experience of having to eat and clean crabs is not something I'd like to do again, unless it's a bigger crab. These small ones were annoying to clean. Mussels were fine, I never tried them before, but the sauce overtook any taste they'd have lol. I realized I'm very picky with sauces and it completely makes or breaks a dish for me, which kind of sucks in restaurants because you never know what you'll get. But we're coping by saying "at least we gained a new experience". Next time if we go there, we'll just get some baked fish and fried calamari mmm. I'm still in love with an octopus I ate like 10 years ago, prepared in a proper Mediterranean way by the landlord of an apartment we were renting for the summer. Now that was the shit. Oh and I got badly sunburnt. I don't think I ever got so sunburnt, in fact. Funny because nowadays I'm a lot more careful and use good spf creams, but I guess I didn't put enough on my back when we were leaving. My neck is killing me too. At least my face isn't sunburnt at all, thank you La Roche Possay Anthelios Fluid (tm). Now I'm just slathering aloe vera gel and hoping for the best. It's funny because it was only 23ish outside, but the sun was just brutal. Despite that, we had a lot of fun walking around and people watching. Being near the sea is amazing too, it's funny that I haven't been to the sea at all since I came here and it's just 30 mins away. Bought some patterned socks for my sister, because I know she loves that. I'll mismatch them and give her a pair, and myself a pair. Now I have to think of something to cook for lunch today, gbye.
3rd of May, 2022: Goodbye, Kitty
Around 5 years ago, I got really into early Queen. I loved their first 3 albums especially but I also listened to some of their later stuff. There was one song that I had trouble listening to, because it would always make me cry and I didn't like that. It's called "All dead, all dead". The song is about a cat, that as the name suggests, has died. At the time I couldn't bear listening to the song as just thinking about my cat dying would break my heart. But the day has arrived when I can listen to this song and cry freely, my cat has passed away. I was waiting to calm down to write this but it doesn't matter - I am crying anyway. I can't describe in words how dear this cat was to me. Once I return home, there will no longer be nights where I have to leave the doors of my bedroom open, I will no longer have to tend to her when she meows to just annoy me, I will no longer open the doors of my apartment to her, I will no longer have my floor and clothes littered with her hairs. She will not greet me at the bottom of the stairwell when I come home from work with my bike. There will be no reason to leave cardboard boxes laying around for her to jump into, I won't have to change my sheets before my sister comes to visit because they're full of her hair. I will no longer hear her snore, I will no longer have her cuddle up next to me in bed. For 16 years I've had that, but now it's gone.
My mom sent us a message this morning to tell us that she was put to sleep yesterday. Our neighbor, who we shared her with, took her to the vet. For the past few months she has been a bit sick with a respiratory infection, and sadly it got worse. She got a transfusion, some injections but it seems it didn't help much and she was greatly weakened. The vet said putting her down would be the best choice so she wouldn't suffer. She had an amazing life, she truly did. She was a happy cat, and the whole neighbourhood knew her and loved her. I found her, 16 years ago, when I was in the 3rd grade of elementary. I was out with my best friend that day, and we took her to my building which is why my neighbor adopted her. Since that day we've shared her and she spent an equal amount of time in our apartment and in her apartment. She did what she wanted, she visited whenever she wanted, and her life was truly her own. Ironically, she died on my friends birthday, the friend I found her with. I believe she was born in spring, and she died in spring. My little May Queen. Maybe at some point I will share images of her in my gallery, but right now I won't, as it is too hard to look at them. I love her so much. What hurts the most is that I am 2000 kilometers away. I just had a feeling she would leave me when I left her. It is killing me inside.
30th of April, 2022
Today I woke up to something I didn't expect, Izzzyzzz, a youtuber that covers early 2000s internet trends and websites, made a video about bimboland. If you've seen my random sites page, I covered bimboland as a dressup game in enough detail but I never talked about my history with that site here. I first made an account on it when it was called MissBimbo.com, back in 2008. If I remember correctly, the site was 18+ but I'm not sure. The site was extremely infamous for, well, everything. The whole theme of the website was quite problematic (although it was satirical), you would play as a bimbo, you'd level up by getting richer boyfriends, to progress you'd have to do a mandatory boob job and facial surgery. If you gained weight you would have to lose it etc. Now funnily enough, even though I played this game when I was 10 and quite impressionable, this game never really impacted me badly. All I cared about back then was dressing my bimbo in goth angel outfits, making fake accounts to make money with outfits (I exploited the shit out of that game and never got caught) and that's it. Frankly the fact that it was virtual, not realistic and overly exaggarated was obvious to me even when I was 10, but many people didn't see it that way. In fact, I think the way people treat the website and the concept of a bimbo today is more problematic but on that later. Anyway, the site shut down at some point in the 2010's and it was brought back in 2016. All the damaging and problematic parts of the website were pretty much gone, and now the game had some kind of a political, debate system to it. Now you would grind for stats to earn better jobs and duel and debate with bimbos for money. It became pretty much a nice standard dressup site with monthly competitions and it's why I like it at the moment. Much of the old crowd (a lot of 25+ women) came back and kept it alive, along with some sissy roleplayers. I came back in 2019 and I was having a blast. The forums were pretty hilarious, with a lot of weird people posting and being crazy, free and unhinged. Idk how else to describe it, but I truly enjoyed lurking. Sadly, that was right around the time the word bimbo became "empowering" and associated with the uh, rainbow crowd. So the website got an influx of obnoxious people that were let's say sensitive, and with the help of the pandemic they kind of took over the site. Things got a lot more woke, a lot of stuff was renamed to be more politically correct and a lot of drama started happening. Long story short, the admins and mods got kind of pissed at the newer users and banned a lot of them (admittedly, some for bullshit and unfair reasons but frankly I can't say it was a bad move lmao). The most annoying users migrated to everskies and that seemed to be the end of the "bimboland gets wokeified" saga. Things got more chill again. Until this video came out. While I enjoy Izzzys videos because I'm fully her target audience (zillenial that experienced much of the internet stuff she covers lol), I know exactly the type of people that watch them and I'm not really looking forwards to thousands of newfags joining bimbo.land and starting bullshit pointless discourse all over again. One thing I have to say is that the owner of the website is kind of a lolcow in his own right, but that's what makes this site stay afloat, he's a highly controversial figure but this website is his passion project lmao. Oh and being a bimbo will never ever be feminist or empowering and if you think that conforming to the most damaging misogynistic stereotypes fueled by capitalism while being an intelligent airheaded "socialist" is so subversive and deep you've got a lot of thinking to do. You're not really owning anyone by supporting such stereotypes, you're merely conforming to an oversexualized male fantasy of a woman lol.
26th of April, 2022
Usually I wouldn't talk about stuff like this because I literally do not care, but Elon Musk bought Twitter lmao. I don't care if twitter falls apart, it's the most cancerous social media and it doesn't deserve to exist. Anyone that thought of making it the number 1 journalism platfom was also retarded because why the fuck would you make social media that doesn't let you write whole articles the no.1 platform for news sigh. Anyway, I did my weekly round of twitter stalking my kind of former friend (I Am Sorry but your twitter has your full name in it) and he said this might make him migrate to neocities. I deserve this, for shit talking him on here. I even told him about this site, almost exactly a year ago. Maybe he had already found me, which would explain some things... Lol.
But nevermind him. I fear neocities might get an even bigger horde of twittertards than before, and I don't think I want that. Not that I already don't have mild dislike for a portion of the current userbase, but I don't engage in the community aspect of neocities much so it probably won't matter, I hope. Well, in the end, how other people choose to use neocities is none of my concern but ah, I hate the hypocrisy in "I made this site to get away from social media because it's bad, but here's a link to 10 of my other social media accounts ^^". I am just a big hater, it is what it is.
24th of April, 2022
The Cabbage Special made me suffer quite a bit. Day after, on the 22nd, I still felt incredibly bloated and heavy so I just ate the plainest rice you can imagine and bananas. Thankfully, since yesterday, I'm fine. Today I did some more cleaning than usual and currently I'm waiting for bread dough to rise. Mmm I want to eat some tasty bread. Bread from a bakery costs almost 6€ here!!! Can you believe that shit? It costs like less than a euro to make it I truly Do Not Understand. So I kind of just want to make my own bread as often as possible. Thinking of buying more healthy flour in the future but we will see. I just can't exist without bread. My greatest weakness, dough. Yesterday I spent the whole day making the index for humanoid, forum based doll sites lol. It was a fun time. I only play a couple of them actively, but I heard enough about to rest to be able to write about all of them. Oh and also I took a long walk with my boyfriend. I really needed it, I felt like shit.
Seeing some posts today I got reminded of that trashy anime I wrote a whole manifesto about, my dress up darling or whatever. I can't believe I wrote that after the first episode came out, and I knew exactly how it was going to go. I predicted the infatuation people would have with it. Ahhh it's perfect for this generation of teens, truly, truly perfect. I think I would have loved it too if I was a teen. The girl is such a "licherally me" character I totally understand why everyone is so into it. She's cool ;)), HOT body ;)), plays hentai games!! ;)), and EVEn cosplays them ;))). God it's so funny. By choosing to identify with her, you're truly letting every boy around know just how cool and lewd you are. I WANT TO FIT IN WITH THE BOYSSSSSSSSS, GIRLS CAN BE PERVERTS TOOOOO AHHHHH. Those were the thoughts of 14 year old me, browsing /a/. Kind of. I was always too scared of bringing attention to myself (thank you lord) so I quickly grew out of it and never attention whored. But the performance stayed for a while because of my ex, and some of the weeby friends we had at that time. I obviously had to be the pervy anime girlfriend. It sucks, this role you have to fill as a teenage girl into anime. When you're surrounded by so many sexualised depictions of 2d girls you feel the need to pretend you're into them too. Or like, you totally don't mind boys talking about them! Ah it's so pathetic. I was pathetic. I wish I was an unapologetic fujo and bl enjoyer, but I kind of lost track of weeby female spaces post 2008 so I just ended up on /a/. That's what's interesting about the femc of that anime, her weeby interests are perfectly catering to males. Usually as a weeby girl, you're going to be into some stuff boys generally aren't. Whether it be otoge, shojo, those villainess and romance webtoons, weeby sims 4 cc, yaoi, bl, those male va cds, boy bands in kpop and jpop, dressup games etc. All these generally do not cater to men. But I didn't see her into any of that. She's just a perfect nerd for the male audience, while also being more assertive to make her seem more progressive, but also of course she's apparently a virgin. Ugh ugh ugh. Actually kind of unironically thank god for Jojo because I got really into it right before the anime came out so I could gush about male characters more without it being "boring FEMALE anime :eyeroll:". Anyway if you see someone coping and seething about this anime outside of my site, please think of me. I'm trying not to rage about it on too many sites... Don't wanna be seen as desperate y'know... But it's truly such trash.
One last thing, I went to check MAL reviews and the most popular ones were very negative. INCHERESTING, which makes me wonder, how the fuck is this shit so popular if even the weebs with mediocre taste dislike it lmao.
21st of April, 2022
A lot of boring health talk in the first paragraph. Today I have been suffering from something I call "The Cabbage Special". Every 3-6 months or so for the past few years I'll have a morning or an evening full of suffering, pain and feeling like I'm about to die. Last time I ended up in the emergency room because of it but this time, luckily, I didn't. Except this time the Cabbage Special lasted for a whole 10 hours and I was writhing in pain, going in and out of the toilet the whole time. The cause of this, I am not 100% sure. I believe it was a burst ovarian cyst, which is what landed me a hospital visit last time. My ovaries seem to have the tendency to bloat too much during ovulation, and to make my life harder they also produce huge cysts. I couldn't have been ovulating this time since I am on the pill, and I had light spotting, so the answer is clear... Unless it was food poisoning. But I don't think so, I ate the same stuff my boyfriend did. I thought the b/c pill would help, but instead all I got was the worst 10 hours of my life. I hate this type of pain where you can barely think, you can't stay in one place and you literally have to writhe in pain and scream. It's definitely different from your typical "shit I ate something I shouldn't have" pain, which is it's own breed of wishing to die. Also I hate how useless and sad it made my boyfriend feel, just like my mom did last time I had this happen. All they can do is watch because there's nothing that will remedy it, I have to wait for it to pass and that's it. I feel so exhausted and hungry, but I am too scared to eat anything proper, because my lunch that I made (while in pain lol) didn't go down so well. I made simple pomodoro pasta, but it was really good. Too bad I won't get to eat it, but hey my boyfriend will get to enjoy it for the whoooole weekend. He went to buy me some rice and rice cookies so tomorrow I'm on a plain rice diet. I also made great bread, I bought new flour and the soapy taste is gone god bless.
And so, my sickness cucked me out of finishing KareKano. I wrote 70% of the review already, I'm just waiting for the final few episodes so I can publish it. I couldn't even read my book, I just stared at TikTok all day. Something I don't usually do, but now I truly couldn't do anything else. At least I munched on some bread now, hoping it won't come out of either end sooner than it should. My brain is too foggy to write down anything else, good night.
20th of April, 2022
Today morning, I received an e-mail I didn't think I'd receive for at least the next couple of years. Wishful thinking, I suppose. My favourite MMO is closing down, TERA online. Dear lord, the amount of hours I spent playing that game is preposterous. Probably around 6k, maybe more, maybe less. I wasted a lot of time on it, which some days I regret, some not. The times I regret were the times when I just spent waiting for people to gather lol. That aside, I made a lot of memories in this game. I met my boyfriend in this game. Nothing in my current life would be the way it is right now had it not been for Tera. I officially started playing it in 2015, but I've been itching to play it ever since its beta in Korea, in 2011. Sadly, even when I got into beta on EU in 2012, my computer couldn't run it. So I missed the best years of this mmo and joined when it was already considered "ded". Every once in a while for the past 3 years I'd come back to it and waste some more time, but nothing compares to the year and half I played it with my boyfriend, in 2015-2017. After he lost interest I still stayed, I got a lot better at the game, transferred servers for better ping and even started running with some of the most elitist players. It was never the same though. The best laughs I had was with my guild in voice when discord was first becoming a thing in 2015, trying to clear Timescape hard mode way after it came out, because we were all kind of shitters or high ping players. I really enjoyed the Tera Classic server in 2018, where I finally experienced MCH, one of the games most famous dungeons, and cleared it at 3am in the morning. I had a lot of good times in this MMO but I hope I'll never get addicted to one again. It's crazy how time consuming these games are if you really want to get into them. Expensive too, if you wanted to spend money. I don't think I spent more than 200€ on Tera in the 7 years I played, which is pretty impressive. Anyway, maybe I'll put some pictures related to it somewhere so they don't get lost in the void, I've got 40gb worth of screenshots, but it's on Mega so I'll have to download it.
Quickly after the announcement and me sliding into old discords to talk about Tera I got reminded of why I don't like talking to le smug 4chan gaymers about anything. I'm too lazy to even go into the details of the conversation because it was so tiring, but multiple times it happened where I would say "Yeah, x thing was really shitty" only to get a reply "inserts definition of x here". What?? I was already taking about x, obviously I know what the definition of it is? Why are you telling me this? Not to mention the distortions of definitions to fit your own made up parameters despite those definitions claiming otherwise, for example what is maintenance mode. A quick google search would tell you that maint mode refers to a state in the softwares (in this case games) life when no more updates are received, no new content, just maintenance and eventual bug fixes. Yet I have to argue over this simple definition "because I think it was in maint mode". OK, well that's just like, your opinion man!!! Jesus christ. I can't believe I used to spend hours arguing about this game on 4chan, it used to get on my nerves so much, but I'd keep coming back to it because this game was the one thing I knew I was mostly right about lmao. Glad I grew out of that phase. Anyway it's funny if you visit the /v/ thread about TERA dying right now, there's still so many people posting there that played Tera with 4chan guilds Touch Fluffy Tail and No Fun Allowed a whole decade ago. Truly there's no running away from that god forsaken imageboard.
Am I really sad though? I don't know. I said goodbye to this game many years ago when my guild initially died, and even though I came back to it here and there I don't think it could ever match my initial experience. I met some great people afterwards too but the feeling just wasn't the same. Nothing will ever match this mmo for me, at least not in the combat department. Besides, I'm much too old now to spend so much time playing MMO's, I'd truly have to abandon all my interests for it again, which I don't want to do. I will probably join this game on its last day to see the servers get shut down, and I'll try to record it. Goodbye for now, TERA. Time to nap and read.
18th of April, 2022
Hm hm. Started reading Eileen, I really like it. I've been seeing it recommended for ages now, in the context of Unhinged Women Literature. So I figured, why not! I'll write about it when I finish it though. I've picked up His and Her Circumstances after a long long while and I watched 5 episodes today, hoping to finish it soon so I can move on to other anime because my plan to watch list is way too long!!! The anime is great btw, I'm teary eyed almost every episode, not because it's super sad, but it's so SWEET. This anime probably has one of the best parent-child relationships I've ever seen portrayed in anime, not just that but it also has one of the sweetest romances of a couple that got married really early, something I'm not a fan of usually. But it's done in such a sweet way here that I totally consoom it with happiness.
Let's rant a bit. What's on the menu.. let's see... Ah the it's young zoomers again. On this stupid site I still frequent, a new unofficial rule dropped. If you're white, you're not allowed to use a japanese name as your username. That's how it started, but it ended with - "you're not allowed to have a username that does not belong to your culture." What is wrong with kids lmao. I bet 90% of them don't even realize their real names probably don't belong to their culture. They don't realize how OBSESSED asians are with engrish. Dude like who cares. They're really obsessed with this "fetishization of asian (mainly japanese and korean of course tho) cultures", which like, on a certain level I GET it but at some point you take it too far. A little 12 year old weeb screaming totemo kawaii and watching whatever is popular right now isn't really going to hurt anyone... Being a bit disrespectful as a child is normal, children lack tact. Now if you're a 35 year old male sexpat exploiting victims of human trafficking that's another story, but mostly kids don't even talk or are aware of these problems. Japanese "fetishize" Paris to the point a whole syndrome was invented because of it, yet nobody on these forums mentions that. It's all about not making the uguu Japanese MINORITIES feel safe and comfortable uwu, which in and of itself is so patronizing. Please don't call yourself xXAoi_SoraXx" it makes me literally shake and cry because of how disrespectful you are!! It is simply impossible to gatekeep these things. Cultures have been shared since humans invented the concept of it lmao. Truly. Look around your room and you'll find it's full of things that would not exist had it not been for xyz culture. God I can't imagine being this close-minded. The worst thing is the adults on these websites are totally agreeing with them and fueling the fire. And don't get me started on the non-human concept dear lord. When I was a kid, yes it was normal to larp as a werewolf zombie vampire on forums. But now it's a whole identity called "non-humanism", and it means you're suffering from delusions therefore nobody is allowed to reality check you lmao. But also they're not allowed to call you a "person" or any human like terms because it will quite literally trigger you. And it's a genius thing really. Becuause this site is SO SO hateful to white, cis and straight kids like you wouldn't believe, so those kids instead made use of this newfound term, and now they can easily do a uno reverse and start screaming at a poor black girl newbie "DON'T CALL ME GIRL YOU ABLEIST MONSTER" and you can send a horde of enraged users at a child, nobody will think that's racially motivated anymore, heh. Truth is, unless you're a trans, bi, black, disabled, nonhuman, mentally ill, autistic "being" as they call themselves, you'll have a hard time. So this site is just opression olympics, all the time. Thank god I learned self restraint, and I do not interact with anyone in the forums anymore, I just lurk. Still, I can't believe a site like this exists in this day and age. And the adults on it are encouraging this. The ones that didn't were wiped out a long time ago, for being bigots. Lmao.
17th of April, 2022
I am super happy about making a book page. The longest part was speed reviewing 6 books I read since November. Well those weren't the only 6 books, I also read the whole of Harry Potter, but I think I'll add that in just one row. Not today though because my writing juices are DRY.
I think the soap tasting flour saga has been resolved! I decided to make bread with the leftover flour and I followed some simple recipe. Frankly, it asked for too much water and I feel like the dough didn't rise that well and it was too sticky. I used to be a pro with bread making in high school because of our, let's call it internship, but I totally forgot the ratios :(. Also we forgot to buy a scale so I have to wing it. Anyway, the bread ended up looking quite nice in the end so I'm happy with that, but I wish it was a bit more fluffier! I was so excited to try it that I couldn't wait until it cooled down. I tried it and... soap. Oh god the soap. This time I was determined to find out why, since now I know for sure it's the flour. Searching for a few minutes, I found out that storage matters a lot when it comes to flour. After all it's stored in thin paper containers and it's a powder so it absorbs smells REALLY easily. It must've been next to some detergent or soap in the warehouse before being put on a shelf in the store. Really disappointing. I feel like I won't be buying flour in that store anymore. I'm not a big fan of that grocery store anyway, because they're so lacking in everything. Anyway, the bread tastes like soap, extremely so, but you can't feel it that much when you eat it along with the meal, or with nutella on it so it's not that terrible I guess. I hate to be the one to waste food so I'll eat as much of it as I can. I'm also just a tad disappointed with this toaster oven. It takes long to bake things in it, everything takes 20 minutes longer than it should. Also I have no way of knowing when it's finished preheating. Currently I'm baking some potatoes for the first time in it, and they've been at it for almost an hour and half, still not soft enough, which prompted me to write in the diary to kill some time. The induction heater is amazing on the other hand. You can't have everything! I've been rereading some of my old writings and stuff, I really liked the "The Shut-in Newlywed" review, I really went all out there huh. I wrote it quite nicely too (nice meaning by my standards which are on the floor), sometimes I'm impressed with myself. Currently, I'm a housewife, kind of. I don't hate is as much as I thought I would, and besides if you know you always have a way out I think it's an alright way to live. You just need to be prepared in case something happens. Have enough for a plane ticket, in my case. Of course I love my boyfriend insanely so, and trust him just as much, but being dependant on someone so much is never that good. People can do a 180, and you'd never expect it. So far, so good in my case at least.
This ended on a paranoid note lol.
Nevermind it didn't, because I have to write one thing that confuses me. I have a problem with images, when I set their width to idk, 300, and originally their width was 500 they look incredibly janky and I'm not sure why. Never had that problem before until now. Writing this here so I don't forget to find a solution lmao.
16th of April, 2022
I'm on a bit of a writing binge, mostly because I didn't write a lot last week or two but also because this new layout kind of put me into creative mode.
First things first, I overexfoliated. A bit embarrassing, really. I never thought I'd make a mistake like that because I'm pretty meticulous about my skincare routine but there, it happened. I decided to try out glycolic acid. For a year already I had it on my to try list. I bought it on a whim after hearing Inkey List's version was good, and I used it. Used it... 3 or 4 nights in a row. I started feeling a little irritated on the 3rd night but I used it again for good measure. Now I've got flaming red cheeks, and I feel so dumb. I guess the back of the box kind of tricked me as it says to use in a PM routine, but not how often. When I googled it, it said to absolutely use it only couple of times a week and not every night. Ah, I feel dumb for not googling that before my first use. Especially because I read it before (a longer while ago) but just ignored it. Live and learn. I just hope I didn't ruin my moisture barrier, but on the brightside my face feels less greasy.
The uni friend (the one who really loves his job) who ghosted my whole friend group including me has appeared again. He apologized for not being in contact with us, and that he was really depressed and on the verge of suicide. Because I check up on his twitter every once in a while, I know life hasn't been the kindest to him, his dog died. It's devastating to lose a pet you've had your whole life. Still, despite his sincerity, a mean part of me doesn't really trust him. He is always very sincere in his wording and I don't know, full of empty promises. I feel as if I've burnt myself so I find it hard to trust him again. I am looking forward to seeing him again this summer, if it happens. He's a fun guy after all. That said, I finally figured out who his style of writing in English reminds me of. Contrapoints lmao. Just in general he writes in this woke chill verbose millennial way. I admire his english skills and I'd say he's definitely got me beat there because his brain just seems to find appropriate words better in our native language as well. But oh man, this realization is a bit of an ick.
I made some roasted chicken today. It was pretty similar in taste to my moms cooking, but I added a bit of rosemary. Rosemary always makes me feel like I'm eating food at my countries seaside, and it's a herb my mom doesn't use much. Still, I always compare if my cooking tastes similar to hers because it makes me feel most at home. If the food tastes like mom's food = no upset stomach. It's been working so far, I also made Macedonian style baked beans using her recipe.
I'll start making the book page now. I wanted to add all sorts of dressup sites to the "random sites" page and tell a bit about each of them.
I'm annoyed by my frequent use of "also" and "just". I often think to myself it's the easiest way to clock me by on various anonymous sites. I try to mask my writing style, but I think I slip up too often. A bit paranoid I know.
15th of April, 2022
In the process of working on my new layout and testing the diary. I'm the type that works on it in vsc and then uploads it all at once though, so nobody will see it until it's totally or at least mostly finished. I'm changing most of the sites, except for the videogame one which is so drastically different, I'll really have to revamp it totally. I want my website to be js free. Also my about me page is staying, because I really love it from an aesthetic standpoint. Web design wise, it could be better. It totally breaks on phone because I was messing around with the vh and vw units and I didn't fully understand them. I'm not one to obsess over accesibility, which I know is "bad" when it comes to the basic web design principles, but I think that when it comes to web design as a personal hobby on a website you don't really intend on making famous it's okay to be a little selfish and lazy haha. Still, I like to have some basic readability, and worst case you can always switch on desktop mode on phones, I always do that. Phones suck anyway, and they kind of ruined web design. I guess you could say I am a bit bitter.
These past few days I've spent countless hours on archived geocities pages, I probably went through more than 500 pages. Of course I went through the weeby ones, and I love seeing the most popular anime of a certain online era. Some totally fall off the popularity list like Fushigi Yugi and City Hunter while some stay as household names to this day like Sailor Moon and Evangelion. I love all the Candy Candy dedicated pages. But seriously though, there's too much Sailor Moon, I'm impressed it still holds up so well and little zoomies love their sailor moon aesthetic pics as much as anyone else.
Yesterday me and my boyfriend went to his work friends wedding. He's not a close friend or anything but he was invited. It was a huge wedding, and the second wedding I ever went to. When I was a kid my mom never took me to her friends weddings because she knew I'd be bored. And boy was she right. I really hate weddings. They're so boring. I think weddings are nice only for the most immediate family and friends, everyone else is just there to eat food. And eat food we did. The food was tasty but the loud music and being asked to dance every 5 minutes by my bf's other work colleagues balanced it out. Neither me or my boyfriend dance, nor are we well versed in this.. don't know how to call it, ceremonial part of life? It's like both of us don't belong to our cultures. I'm glad I met someone like that because I'm tired of always having to explain myself. I don't remember if I talked about this before but when you're kind of strange some people will swear up and down to you how they "don't fit in" and they totally don't like anything normies do and they're so different in order to make you feel at ease? I'm not sure what it is. I had this happen more than once, so I know it's not an isolated incident. I remember drinking in high school with a group of people, one of them being this girl in a different grade I didn't know that well. We talked about music we listened to, and I mentioned how I'm always embarrassed at these kind of ocassions when everyone is drinking because I literally know z e r o turbofolk songs and it makes me feel out of place when everyone is happy, drunk and singing. She said "omg me too!!! I HATE turbofolk SO MUCH!!! everyone listens to it and I feel like such a weirdo for not liking it...", 10 minutes later she's literally dancing on the table, screaming her lungs out on every song lol. And honestly here, people that are a part of any subculture, they can dress however and act however, they truly will know turbofolk and always crank out the classics when enough alcohol has been drunk. I guess it's kind of a bonding experience, it's kind of a cultural thing, and it brings everyone together. But I feel like I'm the only one that sticks to my principles, no matter how autistic this sounds. When I say I don't enjoy this kind of music, I truly don't. I don't know the lyrics, I'm not interested. So I'm always anxious about appearing as this pompous killjoy asshole at any kind of gathering. LUCKILY I have an extensive knowledge of ex-yu rock and -some- local "trash" (basically just.. pop party hits lol) music as we call it so I can at least kind of sing along when everyones shitfaced. But still, more often than not the music will be turbofolk. Well this took an unexpected turn lol. Anyway, it's why I'm really glad about my best friend, because she's honest with me. She's spent her life being more social than me and she doesn't ever act like she has to tiptoe? around me being more of an autist and I truly appreciate it. When talking about this topic of turbofolk she didn't hesitate to say she knows a couple of songs, but dislikes the most. And it was true! Her whole group of friends truly loves 3-4 pretty entertaining songs and that's it lmao. I hate when people lie about small shit like this.