Right after passing I went to get my temporary license, so I already drove my car today. I think I wrote about it in June, but it's a 15 year old Peugeot 307. 307 is not a very great Peugeot from what I've heard, but I'm its second owner and we got it from my moms best friend, so we know the whole history. It was a safe first purchase and honestly, I'm happy with it. It passed the yearly vehicle inspection too in January so that's great.
So about my failures... the first time I didn't stop for pedestrians, I just slowed down and since they seemed to be walking away from the crossing with no intent of passing I just... continued driving and then one person from the group of 6 (a 7 year old child lmfao) crossed after I passed, I failed! I'll be honest, I thought that fail was total bullshit... My second fail though, I was really nervous. I was almost at the end of the 35 min exam like on my first attempt, and I... passed through a yellow light........... and I failed. Honestly, I could have fought with the examiner about that one, but my self confidence as a driver was pretty low at that point, and I basically let him steamroll me and take my money. I didn't stand up for myself and disputed the claim, which I had the right to, because I was too much of a pussy and I didn't want gossip spreading about a mean spirited candidate. Oh well. 200 euros later, and I finally passed. Wait that sounds like I bribed them lmao. No that's just the unfortunate cost of 3 mandatory classes you have to retake if you fail + paying my instructor for the exam class and paying for the exam itself. A lot of people here pass under dubious circumstances if they manage to argue with the examiners, or if the examiners like them, or if the instructor manages to chat up the examiners so they stop paying attention to your driving, or if the stars align. My instructor told me crazily insane, hilarious or straight up creepy stories of how people managed to pass, and well, I don't think I could've pulled off most of that.
Anyway, in the past 3 mandatory classes I drove really well, so well in fact that I was pissed off that I failed last time. I guess the spiteful feeling helped me pass. Oh and, there was a moment during the exam where an old lady jumped on a pedestrian crossing and I didn't take any chances so I stopped like, pretty harshly. So after the exam, my examiner told me "you didn't have to stop for that lady, she really did come out of nowhere and looked like she had 0 intent of crossing", and yeah! But that's why I failed the first time! So when me and my instructor explained ourselves (never saw a person stand up for me so passionately like my instructor did at that moment lmfao), he laughed and said, yeah, some examiners are just assholes.... So at the very least I got validated for my first failure.
I'm writing this on the 18th but too lazy for a separate entry, I drove three times after passing already! I drove yesterday at NIGHT for the first time, which, woo. And today I drove a lot in the morning and gave my sister's friend a lift in the evening. Yeah, I think I won't have many issues with driving, it feels good to finally get on the road in my own car...
Mood:
Watching:
Seasonal anime
Reading:
Sirens of Titan
Playing:
Purseowner
Other than that I hung out with my friends a couple of times this month. I spontaneously stayed in a pub with my friend, her boyfriend, and her cousin and we ended up at her brothers (sounds like a family gathering I'm intruding on lmao) place playing a card game her brother learned in Portugal during erasmus. It's called... I think, "dutch", but I can't find anything about it online. The rules were very simple though, and the game is really fun. Ok wait, I found it, it's a mix of cabo and golf card games. Anyway I had a blast, ate some great kebab, and then went to sleep at my sisters. Spontaneous drinking with friends is always extra fun but it doesn't happen often when I live so far away lmao.
Lastly.. hm.... well nothing much else really. I'm thinking of mayhaps starting to look for a job soon, the guilt is catching up to me slowly.
Mood:
Watching:
Seasonal animu as usual
Reading:
Sirens of Titan
Playing:
Purseowner
I finally ordered the missing batteries, chargers and memory cards for 3 of my digital cameras that were missing some of those components. It's funny, I have like 6 different digital cameras, I don't think more than 2 of them share the same type of memory card. I'm going to give some of them away once I bring them all to a functioning state. Annoying, there's a perfect verb for that action (fix them up? make them work?) in my language but nothing similar in english. Capacitate? It doesn't fit I think. My friends old cybershot stopped working so she'll get a camera. My sister will get one too... I'll put that bought batch of cheap cameras to good use.
Mood:
Watching:
-
Reading:
-
Playing:
-
Mood:
Watching:
-
Reading:
-
Playing:
-
I hate being vulnerable! I guess I'm also a little jealous of my friend for managing to get on their good side so quickly - but in all fairness she spends so much time with these people because of her boyfriend and I barely ever see them. I don't know why I'm feeling so bitter about this. I never obsess over leaving good impressions or wanting to be seen in a good light. I'm always a worry free person. These things don't even cross my mind usually. But because these people knew me when I was younger, I'm catching myself regressing mentally.
Sappy shit to the side, the celebration was really fun. We were staying at my friend's bf's place, which is located in a... very nice spot. It's a one bedroom apartment but booooy. The fireworks were fun to watch. One reason why I like the fact that some of these people are from my hometown is the gossip. I hear so many juicy things from them, it's super entertaining. Almost makes the internal suffering worth it. At around 4:30 am I walked to my sisters place to sleep over and recuperate lmao. I got pretty drunk, but in a good way. Walking home through a big city alone is always fun when you're drunk. And when your country is relatively safe, of course.
My sister and I woke up around 11, and ordered really tasty gua bao at around 2pm. After that I went home by train and heeeere I am. Honestly, a comfy day. I'm not hungover, in fact I still felt drunk when I woke up and then the feeling just dissipated throughout the day. I didn't have this thing before - where I wake up drunk from the day before. It happened almost every time I drank recently. To be fair in this case I only slept a couple of hours but still.
The rest of my holidays were pretty fun too. I spent Christmas with my family, my sister and I watched another documentary about a cult, I managed to get the neighbours cat to come sleep in my bed... I also made and ate a ton of cake and cookies.
I hope this year will be a good one. I don't have any crazy resolutions. Regarding my site, I'd like to eventually move away from neocities and leave a redirect. I want to mess around with php more and I can't do that here. It would also push me to update and upgrade my site looks-wise more often. Aside from that I want to read more, this year I didn't read much at all! I'm eyeing a second hand Kobo libra h2o which is a bit bigger and has buttons for page turning. The plan is to gift my mom my current ereader because she wants a smaller and lighter one. Well, if I continued writing about what I want for this year there would be no end to it. I need to work on myself more, is the gist of it.
Wishing everyone a lot of happiness in 2024, let it be a good one PLEASE.
Mood:
Watching:
Fall season 2023 stuff
Reading:
Holy Anorexia
Playing:
Persona 5
SO.... the other day... I was looking for my nightly video to watch before sleep. I usually listen to either VWestlife, one of my favourite youtube channels ever that youtube seems to HATE reccomending so every day I have to go into his channel, or Technology Connections. Something on the top of my reccomended list caught my eye instead - I saw a grainy early 2000s digital camera video of a young girl clearly cosplaying as a teen from the early/mid 2000's. She even has a page on neocities! And all I could think of was... how... weirdly... manufactured? I'm sorry!!!! You just have a face of a girl that grew up in the late 2010's! The carefully placed camcorder, the CRT's, the zebra print pillows... Ah and despite this #oldwebcore setting, she has a discord server for her fans (consisted of mostly 4channers, both adult and underage, even though she's 15). Sigh... At least stay committed to the larp!!! Every y2k oldweb online fanatic leads back to discord... the most popular modern platform for terminally online teens you could think of. Not even judging, I'm a part of the problem too! I have to say I'm fascinated by the way in which younger gens emulate earlier decades. This isn't strictly a 2000's thing, but you see it most with early 2000's because everyone thirsts after the era right before they were born. As a teen, I really liked a lot of media dating to the early 90's (mostly music), but instead of turning my whole personality and looks into a freaky amalgamation of all early 90's stereotypes to show just how big of an early 90's fan I am I just... listened to the music? The thought that I was enamored with the early 90's actually never even crossed my mind lmao. And no kid around me acted this way either, I wasn't special. Now though, you'll see scenecore girlies decked out in - not just scene fashion - but also elements of fashion scene girls from 2009 would have found slutty because scene girls were catty and edgy nlogs, there I said it!! Yeah sure, you can find pictures of scene girls in fishnets and really small miniskirts but your AVERAGE scene girl didn't dress like that, it was mostly just skinny jeans, hoodies and the teased hair with racoon eyes. But now you have to be the most accurate and mythical version of a scene girl, decked out in the biggest amount of accessories. Everything is like... amplified? Caricatured?
I don't want this to sound like a "kids these days are doing things WRONG" because no, there's nothing particularly wrong (it just feel like sacrilege to those of us that lived through those eras!) about the way they're approaching nostalgia for a world they'll never be able to experience, we've all been there done that. However, it's just genuinely interesting that this online overload of information about subcultures of old really doesn't mean jack shit if you have no context for it. So in turn it ends up with everyone becoming a chimera of a decade, instead of a kid being into the xyz subculture. Besides, being into a decade isn't even a subculture. What is it? An aesthetic? I guess. You can't just be into retro games, you also have to be into looking like a kid that played these games when they weren't retro (but the look ALWAYS has to be attractive and a bit yassified weirdly enough, you need to look marketable, have the right amount of eye pencil smeared under your eyes, your hair has to look perfectly unkempt etc.), oh but also your room has to look the part as well, oh but also you need to have a personal website to complete the look, oh but also... It's all about performance. Surface level yeah she has a website, a spacehey (that has a whole windows xp look to itself - something nobody actually did on myspace when it was a thing), but instead of using these to communicate with her fans - she uses discord! You get me? It's a sin everyone that's into emulating the oldweb commits - this is definitely not unique to her. Anyway, this aforementioned information overload was unavailable to me when I was 13 - so I didn't turn into what this girl is doing. I couldn't observe how your average early 90's teen acted, dressed and talked in as much detail as kids today can so I didn't feel as removed from them in a sense?
Anyway, no hate to this young girl, I am certain that over time her presentation will become more genuine, but as long as she keeps doing this her main audience will be thirsty 4channers that love the larp because she's cute and she looks like the more ideal version of a girl they were into in middle school. I wish you the best, and to get your face off social media while you can, and actually enjoy your hobbies to the fullest. Oh also someone in her circlejerk discord said "her neocities looks like a woman who had a scene/fujo and/or /b/tard/tumblr phase in 2008-2012 made it, pretty zased" which is the most untrue and innacurate thing ever. Her page is just a generic late 90's/early 2000's fire and skull gifs type of site. You know the one. Fujo and /b/tard literally where? You damn philistines. But I'm sure you can extract from this post what type of audience she attracts, which is rather unfortunate lmao. Her site exploded 3 days ago btw, it got a ton of visits, and it will probably bring the next influx of newfags into neocities. Which might be fun...
I didn't want this to turn into a ZOOMERS DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AND ARE OBSESSED WITH AESTHETICS rant I swear, I'm a very old zoomie myself... But god am I tired of... this... fake nostalgia? Idk what to call it anymore!!!
Mood:
Watching:
Autumn 2023 anime... too... many...
Reading:
Butcher's Crossing (at a snails pace)
Playing:
Persona 5?!?!?
I've been reading about some community woes regarding the mobile dressup game I'm playing now, and I totally understand why people fall so hard for gachas, spending a ton of money on energy refreshing etc. They have 0 patience, when these games are made to be short time wasters! For example, people are complaining a ton that the requirements (basically daily roadblocks that don't allow you to progress the story too far) for the chapters are too hard because you spend a day or two grinding for them, but... what do they mean by "too hard". It's not hard, it just takes a while? It really confuses me, just put your phone down when the limit is reached... It's not like the gains from the story are so amazing you're rushing to get them, at least not in my case. I'm also in awe of whales spending so much on pulls to complete these gacha sets. And I learned a new term, "dolphin", someone that spends less than a whale lmao. So funny because my whole life I've only been hearing of whales, especially in mmos that I played. So I guess this appeared with the advent of mobile gacha games? Interesting!
Oh my goddd this is so silly... Anyway... I haven't been concerned with my weight for the majority of my life since I was blessed with being tall and a fast metabolism, but my 20's weren't so kind. Around my wedding, I really got a bit chunky! I mean, my bmi was in the higher normal range, but my weight distribution is absolutely wack... I gained weight mostly in my thighs/ass and arms, and my mid section only got wider, I don't really have a tummy. So I just looked really BIG to myself and nobody else, because it seems everyones measurement for "you gained weight" is having a flabby stomach, meanwhile I'm looking at a picture of me lying on the floor with my grandmas cat and my arm is almost as wide as my head (it's pressed on my body, but still). I felt bloated all the time too. Partially, I think the reason behind my weight gain was birth control, which I stopped taking completely. I think once that totally got out of the system, I slowly started going back to my usual weight? Also with the stress of uni being gone, I immediately dropped a few kgs. So now I hit the weight I had when I was 18 yeahhhhh feels good. Really I didn't change much about my diet besides snacking a bit less. I still get bombarded with cakes from my grandma every now and then, and I eat a bit of sweet after lunch and dinner, but I tried to eliminate those afternoon cravings that I think were also contributing to my weight gain... Anyway, all is good now, I can safely go into christmas cake overload without feeling guilty, I finally have some breathing room. Oh and I went back to my lazy 20 minute daily exercising that I haven't been doing regularly for the past two years now!!! It seems I did change a lot of things about my lifestyle, seems like it all stacked up. I'm glad it did!!!
Mood:
Watching:
Autumn 2023 anime... too... many...
Reading:
Butcher's Crossing (at a snails pace)
Playing:
Persona 5?!?!?
In other news, I have committed a grave sin. I'm playing a MOBILE dressup game.... A chinese gacha at that..... Well all mobile games are gachas at this point. And on top of it all. It's just a KNOCKOFF of Shining Nikki, which I heard became pretty p2w. With the strong willpower handed to me by enduring the worst of the worst - korean lootboxes - I am managing not to spend any money. Besides the membership. Hehe. I don't mind spending about 10-15€ a month on dressup games (tbh its the only money I'm spending on games at all...), but recently goSuperModel fell off so hard for me I literally don't even want to give them money. First of all - an inclusivity team (that seems to be going nowhere)? What a joke. Second of all, why does a dressup game need to be the wokest of the woke places on the Internet? I log in to have fun and dress my little model up, and instead I get FREE PALESTINE scarves from a code, DISABILITY AWARENESS~~ events, 10 times a year there's some kind of a trans related day/week/month/quarter that you have to commemorate etc etc. And it's all so performative. Their site is incredibly archaic which obviously implies it's definitely not perfectly accessible for the DISABLEDS they're telling us about, they're greedy as hell while they only have one or two decent designers but this is a north europe based site so of course buying a shirt that consists of 50 pixels should cost you as much as a shirt costs irl (but they're all commies of course!) and so on and so forth. FUCKKKKKK this. Can you believe an advent calendar in this game costs TWENTY FOUR EUROS, and the gifts are absolute shite??? Meanwhile compare it to this chinese overlords game where you pay 12 euros for a 90day lasting event with rewards that are super worthwhile, game economy wise.
So anyway, the game I'm playing is Life Makeover lmao. I swear I've seen scammy ads of this game before, but what got me to play weren't the ads, instead a friend from a discord server I'm in posted screeshots of her character and outfits and I thought they were really adorable... Imagine all that insanely detailed and high poly korean alpha cc for the sims 4 that never seems to fit the game - well that's how this game looks like, but even cuter. Imo it kind of does suffer from modern, soulless anime (well, manhua) art overdesign, but sometimes it hits the right spots for me. I do prefer the faces/makeup and overall aesthetic to SN and LN. It runs in UE4 and it takes up 20GB of my phone storage lmao. The TEXTURES and DETAILS are so satisfying to look at. It has about 50 different currencies, your usual energy and ally system, but you can create multiple characters that share one wardrobe, take pictures, there's even a sims-like house building system. The only thing that's missing is this sense of community that I long for in dressup games. Talking in global chat eats up your vitality points which is a waste considering you can swap vitality for gold... And also the english playerbase doesn't seem THAT huge outside of the game. Also it would appear I made my character on a barely english speaking server which was my mistake but whatever. The playerbase itself is 99% women and the conversations in the subreddit and discord are chill and only game related which is relaxing to see. I really like observing the trends whenever I start playing a new dressup game. Like for example, popular faces. It seems there's a couple of face types people like to go for, one of them being a puglike face with a very short midface section, a very sloped nose and really wide eyes. It's similar to that trend in the sims 4 when all gallery sims looked like modern disney characters.
Selling my soul to the chinese - all it took was a really cute dressup game. Actually I already had tiktok, they got my soul a long time ago.
I thiiiink this interest won't last for too long because of the lack of forums and more community engaging events, but I'll enjoy it while it does...
Mood:
Watching:
Autumn 2023 anime... too... many...
Reading:
Butcher's Crossing (at a snails pace)
Playing:
Persona 5?!?!?
An even sadder part was when mothers of the cult victims (women forced into a transition to find their ~twin flame~ and having to become the ~divine masculine~) on screen had to do their best to ~respect their daughters (now sons) pronouns~ because why??? Political correctness?? Hello??? Are we complying with the abuse a cult performed on your daughters because that's better than misgendering them, even though they were basically forced into transitioning???!?!? AHHHHHHHHH. Ok I'll give them that maybe they're just doing it so the daughters don't get offended and ostracize themselves from their families even further - yeah it's just that haha...
Oh another funny part was that the cult was super lgbt friendly in the beginning (despite the divine masculine/feminine which the trans members of the cult were totally into anyway - it was there from the beginning), and their sign to leave was when the cult became a bit more trad or whatever in their viewings of gender roles and when they started saying that homosexuality basically doesn't exist - the most hilarious part was how THIS was their cue to leave, and not when the cult paired a 19 year old GIRL with a 30 something DRUGGIE ALCO WITH NO JOB and forced her TO LIVE WITH HIM and also peddled the "women always have to please their man whenever he wants it despite how they feel". Like really, the lgbt unfriendliness was a bit too much for you, but all of this wasn't? You disgusting fucks lmfao.
I have to say I'm struggling to feel any empathy for a lot of these people. A sister pimping her own younger sister to the aforementioned druggie... Like HOWWWWWWWWWWWWW. GIRL, HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. People that fall into cults should be forced into a program that teaches them common sense. Because there's no way... They're not even dumb people, that one lady was a damn cancer researcher, a fucking scientist... Holy shit... And she was desperate to reconcile with her pos boyfriend THAT LEFT HER WHEN SHE WAS SICK. AHHHHHHHHHHH?!?!??!?!!?
It's interesting because in the past few years I've been seeing a lot of this twin flame shit being used to excuse abusive boyfriends in the "well we're twin flames, we're made for each other and all the abuse I go through doesn't matter because of that, the connection I feel to him is the strongest connection there ever will be and nobody else will make me feel this way" type of shit, and it's just so. ugh. Women really were sold off on this disney idea of one true love, but it baffles me they let it affect them this much in their adult lives. We're so forced into this idea that only a partner will bring us true happiness that it leads to shit like this. Not that I'm excusing these women entirely, they truly have to be a certain brand of retarded to go into a spiritual mlm. S P I R I T U A L M L M, AS IN THE GAINS YOU MAKE AND THE PRODUCTS YOU SELL AREN'T EVEN TANGIBLE. LMFAO.
Mood:
Watching:
Autumn 2023 anime... too many...
Reading:
Butcher's Crossing (at a snails pace)
Playing:
Nothing
I just went to check their price list and clicked on the plastic surgery category and got depressed... Apparently there's surgery to "correct" your inverted nipples. The fact that it's called correction means there's something wrong with inverted nipples, which is the most random thing I've ever heard of lmfao. Also there's penis thickening surgery with lipofiling and hymen reconstruction. Ew ew ew ew ew.
Tomorrow I'm getting my piercing resized. My piercer said I need to wait a month, and now it's been a bit over a month. I spent most of the last week just... doing almost nothing so I don't know why I didn't go but it shouldn't be a big deal. My piercing is healing pretty well I think, although last two weeks my bottom lip started to show some changes. Every few days I get a bit of like skin I need to take off with saline around the top part of the piercing. I'm not sure whether that's just from the piercing, or a combo of really cold weather that makes my lips really dry and me not using any lip products at all yet. I'm a pretty bad lip biter from time to time too, but I've been pretty good with abstaining from it now. Anyway there's no pain, redness or swelling so I think everythings cool. The lower part of the piercing is still a biiiit red right around the hole, but it's no different from how my nostril was. I think that will disappear as I get it resized and it stops moving around so much. The urge to play with the piercing is so STRONG.
I'll also be meeting up with my sister tomorrow, yay. She'll go with me to the piercing place and maybe pick out new jewelry for her septum. We went thrifting a week ago and I found a burgundy American Apparel tennis skirt for 1€. Yeah I'm thinking 2015 is back. I probably won't even wear it (it's a biiiiit wide around my waist and I just dont wear tennis skirts lmao) but I'll be saving it for some tumblr costume party. I wonder how the brand even found itself here, we never had American Apparel in this part of Europe. Probably from Germany or something.
Mood:
Watching:
Too much.... I'm behind on everything...
Reading:
Butcher's Crossing
Playing:
Nothing...
This is the first year they sold a ton of manga at the book fair, but the "discounts" were nonexistent. Hell, I saw a manga with a usual selling price of 14$, now being sold for 13€ WHICH IS THE EXACT SAME PRICE AFTER CONVERSION??? lmao??? I remember when I was a kid, the usual discounts you'd see were like 30-40%. Now the only books with those discounts are like self help books, cookbooks and weird religious stuff. Even used book shops were pretty expensive. I had a lot of fun listing through 70's magazines and we managed to find some archive style book of families in my town so we searched up a ton of people. It cost more than 20€ so we didn't buy it... It seems there were some used book shops with decent prices, but we didn't manage to browse through their inventory since the fair closed. Maybe on Sunday we'll come by again, since we're going to the nearby cinema.
Mood:
Watching:
-
Reading:
Butcher's Crossing
Playing:
Nyothing
Today I went to get my glasses, I believe I spoke about this the last time I got my glasses as well. I get them across the border because they're much, much cheaper. We got some great food for lunch, I took a few photos on my slr and I hope they'll turn out fine... It's my first time shooting with this cheap black and white film so I have 0 idea of what I'm doing. Film is always a fun surprise... Recently I organized my photos from this summer, and from spring as well. It was really nice to see all of them in an album.
Ok day later after the above paragraphs, on the real today, I went to the hospital with my grandpa, mom and uncle because my grandpa had a doctor consultation scheduled for his future surgery. He has such a hard time walking, and the hospital we went to is HUUUUUGE. Probably the biggest hospital I've ever been to. It was so hard to walk around with him, next time we'll ask for a wheelchair. At first we were directed to a completely wrong place, then most of the elevators were broken so we struggled with that, then when I found the real place we needed to go to I went down by stairs for 7 long floors lmfao. And after all that trouble... his primary care physician sent him there before scheduling an MRI that he needs in order for the consultation to take place. Wasted gas, and effort. And for what? We struggle so much with his doctor, we need to find a different one because this isn't the first time something like that happened. My mom is furiously e-mailing his doctor right this very moment probably... My uncles hospital visit went fine at least. Not everything was so horrible though, we went and got french fries and sprats (my grandpa loves them, and so do I) for a pretty cheap price at a market close to my sisters house. It was raining so hard we had to eat them in the car though. The car will smell like fish for the foreseeable future probably... It was fun though ngl, we listened to the news on the radio and munched away while waiting for the rain to stop. We even lucked out with finding a parking spot in a place that's always full! It's the little things...
Mood:
Watching:
A lot of stuff!!!
Reading:
Butchers Crossing (kind of on hold)
Playing:
Hmm. Nothing!
The aforementioned bureocratic fight really was that, a 3 week long back and forth between me and many departments of my university, with them having once again (as a goodbye gift, I suppose) displaced my important documents I e-mailed them. It's like they're desperate to keep me there, stuck inside their damp walls and long halls... I imagine most of the assistants and professors aren't there by choice, instead they're eternal students that haven't managed to get out in time so now they're stuck, becoming one with the faculty. If you happen to wander too deep into the basement the walls suddenly turn fleshy and a disjointed voice starts to appear out of nowhere... "What is a drop of rain, compared to the storm? What is a thought, compared to a mind? Our unity is full of wonder, which your tiny individualism cannot even conceive." Sounds like I should play system shock 2 again and submit to the biomass...
Anyway wooo I'm glad that's over with! In other news, I forgot to mention I finally got a vertical labret in my last entry!!! It's been over a week now and it's healing well. I think it suits me so much better than the nostril piercing (rip in peace). I mean, the nostril looked great too, but this one really just fits my face so well, I was actually stunned once I got pierced because I didn't think it would look that good! I do suffer a bit from chronic long face (if I were a dog I'd be a rough collie t. multiple people in my life) so I thought the verticality of the piercing would exaggarate it maybe, but it turned out so cool.
The actual piercing experience was extremely painless, which was yet another surprise. I remember experiencing heat and burning after my nostril, but for this one? Just a slight pinching sensation like pinching your lip with your nails, combined with the feeling of a needle going through your flesh, aka I had vaccines and blood draws that hurt more than this.
Mood:
Watching:
Like 10 shows this season, wtf.
Reading:
Butchers Crossing
Playing:
RDO
I watched the sequel to Pearl yesterday. It was.. hmm... I actually found it pretty hilarious in a ridiculous way but you bet me and my sister were skipping the porn scenes that were longer than necessary. I did however really enjoy the little sub plot with Jenna Ortega and her bf - him being an artsy cameraman that wants to film an avantgarde porno and her being a church girl prude. Throughout the movie all the porn actors and the producer keep berating her and poking fun of her prudishness with her bf never really stepping in to say anything, as if he, you know, agrees with them... But then when she expresses interest in "acting" her bf suddenly gets extremely defensive over her being sullied by these dirty porn actors because she's so pure. Idk really riveting stuff and I'm glad he got his retribution lmao. I feel like the movie pokes fun at men that consume porn but think so high of themselves when compared to the porn stars they just literally jacked off to. Or even better, pretentious film bros that sit on a high horse because their artsy porn is way better and has more value than regular porn just because it's filmed in a different way. Idk funny shit.
I went to an anime convention this weekend. Sadly my only weeb friend had an important wedding to attend so I went alone. As a result, I spent most of my time there people watching and I noticed so many interesting things. First of all, there's a stark, and I'm saying STARK generational divide between weebs here. There's, I would say, 3 groups of ages you could see at the convention. First beeing teens up until around 21-22 years old. Second group is where I'd put myself, 22-35, and the third group is the rarest because being an anime fan was no doubt pretty rare here in the late 90's and really early 2000's so it's everyone older than 37 or so. The second group is actually the group of people that started organizing this convention a decade ago, and they're still in charge today. I want to focus on the youngest group because holy shit, they're so much different.
Most important difference lies within the social media everyone hates (loves?), TikTok. It's not a matter of whether we use it or not, but how we use it, which is drastically different. These kids use TikTok not only to follow irl and local people and businesses - but they also get a lot of their weeby knowledge from it too??? Maybe I'm the outlier but I do everything to hide my account from people I might know and these people even meet up because of TikTok, and attach their names to it. Crazy!!! In fact, most of the conversations I overheard somehow led back to TikTok every time. "Oh I saw your cosplays on TikTok", "omg I saw this keychain of a green haired anime character with boots on tiktok and I really wanted to buy it even though I didn't watch the anime", "I follow your edits on tiktok" etc etc. I mean, I know TikTok is big but I had no idea how important it was in this young local weeb community. Like, I don't know any of these people but their follows and views are absolutely not small at all! And all of the vendors had a massive presence on it as well, to the point where their only social media where they advertise was tiktok (or a much less popular instagram page) so I didn't even manage to find out who would be on the convention until the day of, because I just don't use TikTok in that way. When I went to the first convention there was basically no social media presence at all, like, 0. I find this super strange because how do you organize through TikTok and form communities through it? I'm going to sound like a boomer but Facebook is way better for like.. actual community organization.. no?
Next thing I noticed was like.. almost a class difference. Most of these young weebs can afford so much more compared to what my generation could and if you go to their social media you'll see such a wide variety of cosplays and crazy displays of consumerism. With my allowance I only managed to amass like... maybe 20 volumes of manga in my teens and like one figurine? Cosplays, even cheap ebay (at that time) shit, were definitely out of my reach... The weebs are getting gentrified! They're all richer, they're all OBSESSED with the western (cough american cough)... zeitgeist I guess, to the point some of them are going to introduce themselves by saying "my pronouns are he/him" in english instead of our native language despite our native language also having pronouns? I mean I know exactly why, saying it in our native language just sounds extremely cringe (because it is). Oh and it's actually all girls doing this pronoun stuff irl which I thought was interesting. A lot of them extremely tiny, for some reason, despite the average female height being 168cm here. What's up with that?
I think my generation of weebs is also a lot more different due to being more irony poisoned. A lot of us still kind of hide our weebdom outside the appropriate spaces and it's pretty obvious. Being into anime in the same loud way these teens are now would have gotten you bullied in high school for sure, especially if you're a dude. Unless you're lucky enough to have a group of weeby dude friends in which case you'd probably have a grand time. Anyway, definitely a larger percentage of my gen falls into the self hating weeb cliche, which doesn't really surprise me at all. But the older we get the freer from it we are I think. Still, if someone not into anime talks to me about it over a beer, you bet I'm going to shit on it for a long while before actually revealing my tastes... Yeah I'm guilty of it too.
Anyway, I got out from this convention with a 12 Kingdoms artbook in my hand, which I got for a surprisingly good deal. I bought it from the vendor I thought to be the most interesting - the lady there mostly sold manga in Japanese or German (signifying her being a first gen weeb, since they mostly got their manga from germany/austria in the past) and most of it was shoujo, which, based! She also sold a lot of keychains and stuff from more generic and popular anime but it was her manga/magazine collection that really intrigued me. She also cracked me up while describing some k-pop merch to teens, describing 2nd gen kpop as old groups since the girlies were not aware of shinee and big bang at all... What a shock, honestly. Also I noticed this trend of vendors having to include mandatory kweer merch to sell, which wasn't a thing here at all in the past. Interesting to see trends change here, gender fandom being connected to weebdom was basically an unknown concept pre tiktok here... Despite it being big on tumblr at the time. In fact I saw this much earlier in my husbands country in 2016. I guess we fought it off for longer but gender consoomerism had to reach eventually. I mean, how will you survive without a greyromantic pin? People might think you're a boring straightie, but like, you're soooooo much different!!!!
I also went to a few panels and... that's that. The day before I went to a gig with my friends so I was super tired and a teeny bit hungover so I took my leave early because I wanted to make it to the 7pm train. All in all I'm glad I went because this felt like a massive culture shock to me due to not actually attending this convention since the first time it was organized.
Mood:
Watching:
Like 10 shows this season, wtf.
Reading:
Butchers Crossing
Playing:
RDO
My life is currently at the normiest it's ever been except for like when I was in middle school I guess. I went out and got extremely drunk almost 3 weeks in a row. I've always been able to a) control my drinking, b) not get blackout drunk and c) hold my liqour well yet it seems now that I'm 25 I have turned into a 13 year old who just discovered the wonders of cheap wine mixed with cola for the first time. Christ I drank so much of this certain extremely sweet hard liqour whose name in english I do not know that I got a yeast infection. Yeah you read that right. At the very least my hangovers are practically non-existant, but my energy levels are so low. I don't like going out so often, but ever since my best friend broke up with her ex she's been way too active and if I don't get out every once in a while I'll get extreme fomo... Getting destroyed once every month or two months is my usual preference.
As a result of this newfound normie life I feel too tired for online bullshit. I do this every couple of years, when I cleanse myself of all the terminally online things I've been diving in for months on end to avoid any obligations I'm procrastinating on, however my site doesn't fall into this category as luckily I keep my social interactions minimal here and I'm glad it's this way. I shoooould check my e-mail now that my uni shit is finally kind of over with, I still have some document shit to settle though. Also I finally got kind of an idea for my new layout but I'm unsure how to begin because I wanted to move my site to an actual host so I can mess with php finally, but that would greatly change how I plan to structure my site... Maybe I'll stick to just plain old css and html for the last time and then remake that new version of the site later. Yeah that sounds okay.
I still have to do something with my home time so I'm still playing Dark Souls, currently I reached the final boss and it's good that I read beating him immediately sends you into new game + so I did a 360 and moonwalked away into the DLC. Which is really fun btw. Artorias was great. It's so retarded how Tera, a coomer korean mmo, is my baseline for everything my head, but I love when DS bosses remind me of Tera. I miss that stupid game... The wonders of cheesing hitboxes and perfect positioning and iframe utilization while watching the DPS meter like a hawk ah... and something you practiced weeks to beat just ends up turning into a completely automated process with time... I miss Bahaar!
I've also been playing Read Dead Online with my husband which is just... SO. buggy. Like I didn't even know!! I spent some time reading about how rockstar completely fumbled the bag with it which I don't get. I'm too lazy to know the full story but it sucks how the game is full of hackers and seems totally abandoned by the devs. Also it seems like RedM has less server variety than FiveM so we just ended up playing rockstars version which is something we never do.
Mood:
Watching:
Nothing really
Reading:
Bunny by Mona Awad
Playing:
RDO
I watched the new a24 horror with my sister today, Talk to Me. It was.. ehhhhhhh. One thing I can say with certainty is that demon posession and all that in the movie was a massive metaphor for drug abuse which, cute I guess because of the main cast being mostly teens but I fear this movie suffers way too much from the "characters too stupid you wonder how they're able to breathe properly" horror trope. It's even worse because the movie makes fun of it in a cringy meta way with a character going "crazy with people shit" yet he's the main one engaging with this stupid white people shit?????? Like ok lmao. The main character was infuriating on so many levels. Yeah, I get it, she's overcome with grief and she's obviously addicted but I couldn't stand her. Frankly I'm so glad it ended the way it did, massive relief for me lmfao. The movie was good at making you feel on edge in the second half, but the plot and characters were nothing to write home about. All in all I'm kind of disappointed, especially compared to The Witch, and even Pearl which were more freaky or just plain amusing/weird compared to this one. One thing I'll give it was the way the movie doesn't spell out to you who the bad guy is, and it does it in a good show and don't tell way. It's obvious by the very end of course with a few hints here and there but for a while it seems like the movie tries to sway your opinion in a different direction which was a nice touch.
In the two weeks that I have been absent online, I finished both Dark Souls 3 and Dark Souls 2 lmao. DS2 was the only one I played in the past in like 2016, but I never finished it due to playing co-op with my husband and he kind of got bored of it because he has a terribly short attention span when it comes to playing games (starts a million but finishes only a couple - could never be me, finishing Elden Ring was a STRUGGLE with him). We got to the Iron Keep or Shrine of Amala, can't remember exactly. Either way, I started DS2 from the beginning and made the cutest character with what the character maker allows, which frankly I was happy about because the DS char makers are always unecessarily complex and weird and I'm never happy with my characters, and I just can't bring myself to make an abomination. Anyway, holy shit I love DS2 so much. DS3 was painfully easy, especially the world itself, while the bosses gave me fair bits of struggle here and there like Sulyvahn, Lorian/Lothric, Nameless King, Soul of Cinder, Friede and the fucking Demon Prince fuck that guy, oh and how could I forget Gael too... Like DS3 is very much a boss simulator and I don't think I ever fell of a ledge or got properly ganked by the mobs which is where I find Dark Souls difficulty should lie in as well!!! Maybe it's because DS2 was my first fromsoft experience so I just got trained to be wary of ganks and always have a ranged weapon to pull enemies one by one and check for hidden spots instead of rushing in so everything after was way too easy, but hell, I think I struggled more in Elden Ring than DS3! Aside from the Ringed City, Ringed Knights were the funnest ever. ANYWAy, I turn up DS2 right after beating Gael, and holy shit I get absolutely destroyed in Heide Tower. Then I noticed the game on pc is fucked and I have to turn the double clicking thing off and on every time I boot the game up otherwise I'll have like 500 ping delay on mouse clicks LMAO. After I figured that out I got reminded of the turn based combat though... no animation cancelling whatsoever. But I got into it after an hour and I went through the game with such a smile on my face. I dropped my summon sign everywhere and I helped so many players, especially early game, it was so, SO fun. Except I also fell off ledges and corners an embarrassing amount of times, like right the moment I was summoned. Sorry to those players. I feel like using a big heavy weapon is so much more rewarding and fitting for DS2 because of the slower paced combat though, so I ended up having a stupid amount of fun with hammers and stuff, when usually I opt out for faster weapons... Even pvp and being invaded was amusing every time. People complain about runs to the bosses in ds2 but frankly most of the time they weren't so bad, but a lot of the times I was patient and always cleared off at least a couple of enemies I knew would be problematic. Plus the bosses are kind of easier to counter balance that so I never died enough times to make it a bother. The game still had a few really fun bosses like the Ivory King, Sir Alonne, Fume Knight, Smelter Demon and the Lost Sinner was a good early game boss... Yeah mostly DLC stuff lmao. Also the story... I really enjoyed the story in DS2 and Vendrick and Aldia were great. I feel like it hits a lot heavier than DS3's for some reason. Maybe I'm just a massive contrarian deep in my soul but both games were just as enjoyable to me. The voice acting also really stood out. Creighton, Pate, Titchy Gren, Ornifex, Aldia, Shalqouir, Straid, Bell Keeper??? So much insanity and fun. Leveling is way faster in DS2 so even getting ADP to where it's comfortable didn't feel like a chore... Idk man, I don't get the DS2 hate. I know it was released unfinished and that it got a bit fucked in the development, but the DLCs and SOTFS make it into a great game in my opinion, aside from a few small negatives, like the ETERNAL AGGRO RANGE in some areas. But it's all a matter of adapting and cheesing the shit you don't like and I love that!!! I love when I don't have to approach every area in the same way. Anyway, now that I finished DS2 in its entirety and before I feel like doing an ng+ I went and bought DS1 remastered because it was on sale, so now I'm playing DS1 too lmao. I'm only about a few areas in so I can't really form a proper opinion yet, but it feels like DS2 introduced a lot of qol things that the series picked up from then on compared to DS1, it feels like a massively different experience. Christ, that was a large sperg about Dark Souls.
Mood:
Watching:
Nothing
Reading:
Nothing
Playing:
Dark Souls 1
Recently I got into the habit of checking my countries subreddit a lot more often than I used to. Sadly, with the lack of activity and interesting topics on the main forum everyone used to use, reddit became a lot more popular. There is something peculiar about this reddit situation though, as it seems there are two subreddits intended to be the official subreddit of my country. The more popular one, that carries the name of the country in english is the '''woke''' one, aka the more leftist oriented one. The other one is the more politically incorrect one, but it's also a lot less active. Members of the second reddit basically congregate there because they might have made one too many homophobic or transphobic jokes so they got banned, or they were a little too nationalistic or something. The userbase of the second reddit certainly isn't too pleasant. HOWEVER... funny part is, while the first reddit is so BLATANTLY against offending gays and begendered people in order to appeal to the average redditors sensibilities, female hate is such a regular thing it's kind of mind boggling? Recently a lot of femicide has been going around in or around my country, or just regular male on female violence, which constantly brings up threads that innocently "question" why women are so stupid to get themselves killed (lmao), every time a thread is made in the support of women men will be highjacking it to make it about themselves, users will make threads such as "UHHHH why are we always talking about femicide in the news u guys??? are other victims not important >:(((" when in the past month we had an absurd amount of female violence (yet the news decided to completely focus on a group of male hooligans that went into a different country just to FIGHT so they got jailed and now the PARENTS of these adult male babies are vewwy sad and they want their babies back) or "why don't we teach women not to date bad guys and instead date nice guys (like me????)" yet in the same breath he's exclaiming something about male superiority or idk, every time there's a topic around parenting somehow all the bad examples are about evil, nasty, thot mothers... Not to mention all the casual misogyny that happens in random unrelated threads which somehow goes unnoticed. Every single thread about news with a woman in it will be shitting on the woman in a way a man would not have been shat on. There's a couple of resident libfem posters and every time they bring up feminism they got bombarded with lines in the vein of "this bitch again *rolls eyes*" when they let out a completely reasonable and milquetoast feminist take. Why does 50% of the population need to constantly put up with this shit and accept it as natural? "We're just discussing things :)". Imagine if we discussed gay or trans peoples rights in the same way we just "discussed" female rights lmfao. You'd get banned on the spot. I love male reddit feminists!
PHEW... Felt good to get this off my chest. The comments are admittedly less infuriating than on facebook or popular news portals so it's sadly one of the better options out there but man. I've been astounded lately by the sheer amount of male murder suicides that have been happening, and reading these insane theories and blatantly ridiculous questions is making my head hurt. I'm usually pretty good at shutting out the negativity but I guess the thought that these men might be my neighbours and friends is getting to me a bit. Feels like none of them ever had a female friend, or they've been utterly oblivious to anything and everything their female family members or classmates went through in their lives...
In other news, I finally picked up dark souls 3 again, before I went on my vacation I was almost done with the whole game leaving just a portion of the Ringed City DLC. I stopped playing at the Demon Prince boss fight which combined two things I hate the most about fromsoft games, first being double boss fights, second being multiple phase boss fights. Once I figured it out it was really easy though but ughhhh I was so lazy to get through it, funny how that's the first and only fight that filtered me for a whole month lmao. Now that I actually got to the hard portion of the DLC, holy shit it's really hard!!! I'm kind of suffering in here. But it's a good type of hard, the dreg heap was probably the worst designed area I've ever witnessed in any fromsoft game and I hated it so much. I hate fights where I can't freely explore after I clear all the enemies and instead I have to run through in panic... I'm finally on Gael now and it's been a fun ride ngl...
Mood:
Watching:
Disappointing seasonal stuff
Reading:
Confessions of a mask
Playing:
Dark Souls 3
Onto me ranting about unimportant internet matters again, but I'm getting angryyyy again. I feel like a lot of places I frequent are getting full of schizos stirring shit. Not just that, I seem to have witnessed, on 3 unrelated occassions, people talking with a straight face about stuff I thought everyone was always just memeing about. Schizos aside, everything is also full of pornbrained animecore zoomers. I can't. I can't!!!! My thoughts are becoming so jaded, elitist and mean spirited when it comes to engaging with younger people that share my interests. I don't want it to be that way but holy shit. How hard is it to keep your porn preferences to your goddamn self in a space that has absolutely nothing to do with porn??? SHUT UPPPPPPPPP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit they'llgrowoutofit
Mood:
Watching:
Some disappointing seasonal stuff
Reading:
Confessions of a Mask
Playing:
Nothing ig
After a long while, I got sunburnt. Usually I'm able to build a bit of a "base" before going to the seaside because I go to the river, or to the pool, but this year I only went to the river (in my town, where the sunny "beach" is) once!!! Once!!! And I guess, even with all the precautions we took, even with expensive ass 50+ spf sunscreens that we made sure to apply properly and every 30 minutes when outside my shoulders and face got a bit burnt, and my scalp got it the worst lmao, currently I'm in the skin shedding phase. Every time my skin sheds after being sunburnt I'm reminded of that one Malcolm in the Middle episode where sunburnt Reese makes a whole skinsuit. In addition to my stronger than usual tan my freckles are getting more and more insane each year. Two years ago they started appearing on my chin, and now they're very numerous right above my lip too. I hope it doesn't make me look like I have a moustache from afar lmao. I do love my insanely freckled face but I never expected that they would get so extreme in my mid 20s. Due to my short bangs, the top half of my forehead is lacking in freckles, which is a bit silly to see. What I don't love is how when I tan all of the contrast between my skin and hair seems to disappear and I turn into a weird lightly tanned blob. I have a bit of a yellow skin undertone that tans easily (actually I'm not sure what my undertone is, I look okay with both types of jewelry and my veins are both green and blue and purple lmaoao), but my hair color which is kind of reddish brown (some ginger genes in my family) becomes too light when exposed to the sun and the redness goes away... so it just kind of blends with my skin color. During winter there's more striking contrast which I enjoy a lot more... This is why I try not to tan too hard but if I don't I get sunburnt when exposed to the Mediterranean sun. Sigh!!!!!
Ah what else... Well, recently I experienced something funny. I had the (dis)pleasure of witnessing someone try very hard to fit into an environment they simply don't fit in. I'm keeping things too vague which makes this sound very boring, but I got this insane urge to just (metaphorically) pat them on the back and tell them to quit trying and to just give it up. They're being condescendingly talked down to, their incorrect remarks are smugly "kindly" corrected and so on... It's hard to watch this stuff take place but I think any concern I'd show as a stranger would fall on deaf ears. I guess this is just some character building you have to go through as a person trying to navigate online communities that require you to walk on eggshells to integrate properly. I just know that once they make too many faux pas they'll be discarded and everyone will comment "yikes I knew this would happen". I can feel it in my bonesssss. Many such cases...
Mood:
Watching:
Kind of nothing
Reading:
Coin Locker Babies
Playing:
Dark Souls 3
In other news, my parents got a replacment car fairly quickly. Like just a few days after the fire, in fact. A kind neighbor came through and sold us a car he doesn't need. He's a car nut so we know the car is in decent shape otherwise he wouldn't have bought it in the first place. AND I also bought a car with my mom and sister (this was in the works before our family car went poof lmao) so now I'll have a car for myself (mostly) after I pass the driving test!! And my mom will get to use it full time once I leave the country. The car belonged to my mom's best friend's husband and it's also in really good shape. This is the first time in my life my family had more than one car lol. My driving lessons have been going well, I guess I'm in the final stretch now. I'll have to stop for two weeks now because I'm going to the seaside soon. I hope I'll pass on the first try because I just knoooow the test will create so much stress. I don't want stress diarrhea...
River swimming time is here again, except this year not so much. I didn't even go with my mom and grandma until like, mid July! Absolutely crazy but the river has been so dirty. There's a lot of rain this year, coupled with the fact that they're building a highway bridge some distance away from where we usually swim so I think all the mud is descending downstream. That said, when we finally went it was amazing, rivers are my favourite. This year there's been a lot of people at the "beach" where we usually swim, recession is hitting hard I think. Usually everyone turns up their noses when you mention going to the river but people are having a hard time affording the seaside this year because of rising costs. So I guess now the river is okay!! Hmph. Two days before going with my mom I went to sleep over at my friends and we spent the first afternoon chilling at the river close to her house, and then the next day in the morning she drove us to a river in her town that I've never been to before, it's a lot fresher and more clear. The river both of us usually go to has a very distinct smell (it's not dirty it smells like that from it's source, idk why) which this one lacked. Anyway I had a great time diving and swimming, and talking with my friend ughhh I'm so grateful to have her.
Speaking of friends, I just finished my seasonal facebook crawl, my former best friend got married... It's so weird to see her go through all these normie events in life. I'm not one to speak since I got married last year and all, but her whole facebook feed is full of pictures from bachelorette parties, baby birthdays, weird trad bbqs and stuff like that. There's also a weird vibe to all of them, like they're always wearing cringy matching t-shirts, renting houses with pools, everything is weirdly themed... I can't really pinpoint what exactly my issue is with this stuff but none of it seems like... common for this area where I'm from lmao. I've never heard of families doing these things, or have been to a family gathering that looked like that. There's just something off about this stuff. Literally every family gathering seems to have a themed tshirt for it LMAO. The vibe is almost... american. Like one of the families featured even does CHRISTMAS PHOTOSHOOTS and the ladies profile picture is her and her husband biting on a candy cane like who does that here?? Absolutely noone. Gives off the same vibe as those "pregnancy announcement" videos that get memed on all the time lmao. It seems like her husband is a religious village boy which is the type of man I have never had in mind she'd be interested in. Well, I hope she's happy, but the future I envisioned for her is NOT the reality and that's kind of offending me deep down (I say, jokingly). I always thought she'd be a cute, active and happy hipster girl living in the city with as many animals as she could fit into her place. Instead it seems like her older sister seems to have gotten a better deal... Man, we used to share so many nerdy hobbies together. Seeing stuff like this makes me feel like I'm either a womanchild at 25 or that people my age are starting to lose their personalities lmao. I'm spiraling and assuming too many things honestly, she's probably keeping most of her interests away from social media like most people are, but I'm going to leave this rant in anyway. I feel like I'm using this diary for venting about former friendships too often so in turn I seem too hung up on things, but I'm scared of venting about anything current out of fear of doxing myself lmao. This, I'm less ashamed of if somebody that knows me does end up finding up about pls understand.
Mood:
Watching:
Kind of nothing
Reading:
Coin Locker Babies
Playing:
Dark Souls 3
My parents are really not doing well financially (well more like, it's fine if there's no emergency), so this was just yet another blow in a series of blows that just never seems to end. Feels like our property is just getting smaller and smaller each year. First the house, now the car... But we always scrape by in the end, and no doubt we'll do it this time as well. We're all grieving our old car now, since we have so many memories tied to it. It almost feels as if a pet died, as stupid as it sounds. I even learned how to drive in it! It's really shocking to see something so important to you completely burn down to the point that it's barely recognizeable. Oh well, at least my dad managed to get out without so much as a scratch. AND he didn't leave his wallet inside, which is definitely the type of thing he would usually do lmao. The added stress from all the extra bureocracy would probably be more traumatizing than the fire itself...
I wanted to rant about so many things today, but now I totally lost the motivation, understandably. Anyway, I changed my discord username with the new retarded update and I updated the change in the contact box.
Mood:
Watching:
Seirei no Moribito and seasonal SHIT
Reading:
Stuff...
Playing:
Nothing
On the same day I visited the mall near my moms workplace and went to the bookstore, and god, the manga wall keeps getting bigger and bigger each time I visit that bookstore. Teenage me would have been so happy. Shame that volumes are so expensive though, they're like 15€ for soft cover volumes, almost 30€ for hardcovers... That's why buying manga is usually just a birthday/christmas gift for me... But it's still kind of cool to see. I saw a cute manga that caught my eye called "Cats of the Louvre" by Taiyou Matsumoto (Ping Pong and Tekkon Kinkreet) so I began reading it on my phone. Pretty cute so far, it's only 2 volumes long.
Also, I went to a funeral. Haven't been to one in a while. This was a proper traditional village funeral, meaning men walk behind the casket first and women second. I don't think I ever experienced that before, not even at my great grandmothers funeral. Very interesting... Good old Catholic misogyny aside, traditional village funerals do have an upside to them - the wake is usually very lively and they tend to be pretty fancy and open to a larger amount of people. So, I can't say I left with an empty stomach that's for sure. Plus, I talked with family members I might have seen once in my life prior to this. You always find out something interesting! The man whose funeral I attended was my grandfathers uncle, I do remember meeting him once or twice. He was a kind old man, and he lived to a good age. From what I heard, he seems to have died as peacefully as possible, so I'm glad he didn't suffer much. I did feel like crying when I saw his wife, she looked devastated. She's also a very nice lady. Ah, funerals always get me feeling some type of way.
Mood:
Watching:
Seirei no Moribito, among other things
Reading:
Stuff...
Playing:
Nothing
My driving lessons are going well and my instructor has set really high expectations for me that I am apparently meeting which is kind of shocking. I never thought I'd drive a car well. Next class we're going out into the town finally which will be the real learning experience. So far my biggest problem is actually paying attention to what's going on around me. Well not everything really, but mostly it's the checks that get me. I just don't do them properly, or in time? I tune out totally and just wait for my instructors orders (go there, look there, turn there) but slowly the amount of orders I'm waiting for has been decreasing as I gain independence. My instructor told me a funny thing - he told me to think back on all the skills I ever learned and then asked me - have I ever learned anything as fast as I've learned driving? It's a 1.5 tonne machine and I'm already operating it on a road, and not causing trouble for others, in 7 hours! Isn't it insane? One other thing, even though as a passenger I'm usually pretty afraid of accidents, as the driver I feel a lot more in control and thus less scared, and having the instructor next to me makes me even less anxious. Maybe I'm relying on him a bit too much. My brain is still mush while driving though so I think it's for the best.
I also watched a lot of movies I haven't had the time to talk about.
One of them was Absolutely Anything (2015). I honestly couldn't even finish it, it made me so angry I had to turn away like halfway in. First of all, it's very similar to Bruce Almighty in its premise, but it goes even crazier with the MC's powers. While Bruce gets Gods powers he still can't control peoples free will, meanwhile Neil can do WHATEVER he wants and HE NEVER DOES IT. It's so infuriating to watch the main character be an actual negative iq retard the whole movie that I just couldn't keep watching it. He clearly knows he can manipulate everyones memories yet he doesn't do it because OBVIOUSLY the plot needs to progress and have conflict etc. but this was such a lazy way to go around it. At least give the power some limitations then instead of making the main character infuriatingly stupid. My gooood. Also the comedy was so so bad in this movie. Kind of disappointed by Terry Jones and Douglas Adams and the whole rest of the impressive cast tbh...
Next I watched The VVitch (2015) finally!! While I usually like A24 films I'm not as hyped about them as most people are (although I enjoy watching them still, honestly) but I thought The Witch was so good!!! I have a soft spot for Anya Taylor-Joy and I know this was a breakthrough role for her and she killed it. The movie itself was intense, and the language used made you focus a lot more on what was being said so it was hard to keep away from the screen. It aided the movie so well, even though it was not period appropriate pronounciaton wise for obvious reasons. Anyway, great movie.
I also rewatched Fargo (1996), one of my dads favourite movies. And I know exactly why, he loves character driven movies and has a good feel for the absurd. God the characters and dialogue are so fun and I love how you can know everything about them from just seeing a few scenes. Marge and Norm are such a cute couple and Marge is an amazing character oh my god lmao. Marge is simply top notch, probably one of my favourite movie characters ever...
Mood:
Watching:
Ton of seasonal shit I cant wait to shit on ha ha...
Reading:
Nothing, a bit lazy
Playing:
Valheim
As for the Samsung, I hope it will serve me well. I'm not a phone gamer (will never bring myself down to that level sorry phonegamerbros) and I really don't use phones for anything that heats up the phone too much. I can proudly exclaim I've never been a phone addict and likely never will be. I hate browsing the internet on my phone, I don't like phonebrowsing on imageboards either, I don't use social media or post anything of my own... I use my computer for all of that. My phone is mostly for manga, for general usage when I'm outside the house and for taking pictures. Oh and for TikTok which I try to limit the usage of but I still like using it since my sister sends me hilarious shit every day. My first smartphone was Samsung Galaxy... Something. Actually maybe it wasn't even a Galaxy. It looked pretty narrow compared to Galaxies around that time and I got it in 2012 I believe. It got stolen like halfway into my first year of high school and after that I got a Samsung Galaxy Mini that I had all throughout high school lmao. I think my mom got the Mini for free through our ISP or something so she just gave it to me because we didn't have money for a better phone at that point. And I grew to like it, it was a super sturdy piece of shit compared to the Samsung I had before which was just so. slow. Like right out of the box it was a slow shitty phone, the Mini stayed strong but despite that Samsungs left a bad taste in my mouth. Oh also because as I went through high school some of my classmates got better Galaxies and they all turned out to be pretty slow and laggy. Then I fell in love with a phone my friend got... Sony Xperia Z1. It looked SO pretty, unlike ugly iphones and samsungs with the rounded edges, it had a pretty square shape and it looked really elegant. It had a glass back which eleveated the design so much imo. Anyway, a beautiful phone. That's why in 2016 when I started university, I got the Z3, which was already 2 years old at that point but I didn't care. I had it all up until 2020, or was it 2021 actually. It had such a good run, and up until it's last moments with me it was pretty responsive and smooth. I admit I only changed it because I wanted a change and some apps didn't work well on it anymore. Now my grandpa has it in 2023 and it's still as good as ever! It's 7 years old.
After the Z3, I got this Xiaomi, but as I said it didn't last me long. However I did really like a few things about it. First of all the gesture navigation worked very well. Also it made everyone that got their hands on my phone less likely to know how to navigate it which to me is great because I hate when people get their hands on my phone... It stresses me out lmao. I'm using gesture navigation on S23+ too but it seems a lot flimsier and more sensitive. I can probably reduce the sensitivty but I'll see if I get used to it. Second, I really liked the fingerprint scanner on the power button, it wasn't perfect but it's in an easy to locate place. The S23+ has a fingerprint scanner in like the lower middle half of the front screen which is kind of annoying me so far... it also seems less accurate but I'm a perpetual sweatyhands haver so... What got me to purchase a Samsung again though was my sisters phone. I think she got the uhh A52 and it looks and performs really well. Then I almost fell for the Flip 4 meme. I REALLY wanted a flip phone again, I liked how you could use back screen as a viewfinder, the gimmicks almost got to me, but in the end I decided against it. Flip 4 still has hinge issues from what I've read and I hate how in the upcoming Flip 5 they're thinking of INCREASING the back screen... beats the point of a flip phone imo. I really wouldn't mind the middle crease but everything else turned me off from it. Maybe in 5 years (hoping the s23+ will last me that long) flip phones get much better haha...
My driving lessons have been progressing smoothly, although I only did 5 I think so far. Why only 5? Well the weather has actually been insane here and we're experiencing floods. A lot of towns flooded and my town is next probably. I still managed to schedule a class today but lol I have to cross a far away bridge and walk near a dangerous area because the main bridge is under construction. Good luck to me! My instructor told me he could already take me to the road but we'll still practice on the polygon today. I'm not so scared of driving on the road really, with him next to me, but I feel like my knowledge still isn't good enough for the road. There's so many small movements I need to keep in mind when driving that I can't focus on anything but that yet. Also right now half of the roads in my town are closed because of the construction and the traffic is CHAOTIC. I have no idea how I'll learn to drive under those conditions lmao Edit: Oh my god I just went to my 6th class and the instructor took me to the road!! I actually did well, but as I suspected shifting gears etc. is hard to do without looking at it which he told me I absolutely should not do lmao. I managed to do it properly (without looking) a couple of times though. It really went a lot better than I expected. Shifted to 5th gear instead of 3rd once at the beginning and I literally lost feeling in my legs, couldn't tell if I was pressing the gas pedal or not LOL. But once we started chatting it was np. Now I honestly can't wait for the next lesson... He's a really good instructor.
My dear old converse (I think I even mentioned when I bought them in some past entry) that I've had for almost 2 years now are slowly showing their age. The right one has a tiny crack where the toe is and I went out when it was really wet outside with them yesterday and my feet got tooootally wet. I have to say this was the first time my feet got wet in these which is almost shocking considering these are standard converse we're talking about. Honestly I've always heard horror stories about how fast they break but mine didn't even crack at the sides yet. And I probaly crossed half the damn globe in these. They were my only go to shoe besides my birkenstocks and docs. Christ with that shoe lineup I really sound basic as hell. I have no idea which sneakers to buy next. I've heard people saying Converse 70s are higher quality and worth the price so I'll see. But I also wanted a good pair of comfy sneakers. My old nbs are reaching a decade almost....
Mood:
Watching:
Stuff
Reading:
Nothing atm
Playing:
Valheim
Anyway, back to Friday. I went to the city to deliver some cushions to my sister. I also went out to eat at a great falafel place. It's so funny how european cities will push falafel places into the "vegan uwu healthy food!" overpriced bracket when in other places falafel is just considered run of the mill fast food you can find on any street corner... This place kind of falls into the vegan bracket simply because there's barely any vegan food options in the capital so it's still actually filling a niche with that. Despite the uh, gentrification at work, it's pretty affordable and the falafels taste legit, and they have different types of falafel which is great too. Like sweet potato falafel! Instantly became my favourite. Then I did some more errands, met with my friend, then with my sister, and then my husband and I went on our merry way to some new ~asian fusion~ restaurant that recently opened. We even had to make a reservation. I felt very strange doing that, never had to make a reservation before. The place was actually really great. I ate kung pao with pork belly and it was really good... Except for one thing, the coleslaw salad on the side. Now I experienced this only once in my life, the first time I tried chinese cuisine, coincidentally. We went to this cooking institute when I was in high school, and a bunch of chinese cooks showed us how they cook, what ingredients they use etc. We made our own spring rolls, and when I tried the spring roll I made, it tasted like acetone. It didn't SMELL like acetone (that's important because people usually mix vinegar/overly fermented smells with the smell of acetone since it's similar in structure chemically) but it tasted as what I imagine acetone would taste like. Not very good at explaining, but this coleslaw salad had the same acetone taste!! Now I'm wondering what the hell the ingredient was, they don't list all of the ingredients of the salad. The only common ingredient for sure both the spring rolls and the salad had were the carrots... Could carrots taste like acetone? Is it intentional? I don't know. What I do know is that this restaurant had the tastiest korean bbq sauce I've ever tried and I'm still dreaming about it. Yearning for it.
I'm reading more about carrots now and it seems carrots can taste soapy if they're too bitter or something but I can already picture that taste and it's not it I think. Maybe I'm wrong. Oh well. Last thing I wanted to talk about was, Interstellar. I finally watched it. I have once again been mildly disappointed. Don't get me wrong, it's a good movie, very Space Odyssey inspired but more in your face about it, but from people's impressions I was expecting something more... experimental? Mind fucky? Emotionally taxxing? This is just A Movie. With A Movie plot, climax, resolution etc.. It was nice, the ending was actually alright. The movie was really pretty though, I love analog film, have to give it that. Another thing - the start of the movie and the whole premise... and the main characters motivations at the start were just so :| to me. Maybe it's the movie actually showing its age (2014, wow! it feels like we're in a stagnation stage tech wise nowadays almost, ai aside, and we collectively have different things on our minds from just tech progress) but this muh progress and exploring stuff was just... made me want to shrug my shoulders. Like yeah humanity is in its recovering stage, okay? Why are you pissed off at it we always had our ups and downs? I get that it was setting us up for the journey but idk it felt too flimsy at the beginning. Maybe I'm being too weird about it. Lastly, the sound pissed me off so much. WHY are modern movies like this? One second everyone is whispering I can hardly hear anything, I turn the volume up suddenly my ears are bleeding, eardrums bursting, my head is spinning, walls are shaking.. you get it. Stop doing that AAAAAAAAA.
One last thing, this neocities update is so disappointing and stupid. I love seeing who people I follow followed. And who followed me. It's like one of the main ways of discovering nice sites besides the activity tab. Why are you doing this Kyle Drake? Barely any updates and then we get hit with the most useless stuff ever...
Mood:
Watching:
So much shit!!
Reading:
Coin Locker Babies, Feminism Against Progress
Playing:
Valheim
Mood:
Watching:
A ton of shit
Reading:
Nyothing...
Playing:
Valheim
I found out, through a friend of a friend, that the tattoo artist my sister had a negative experience with has a mean streak and he usually overcharges for sloppy work so... bullet dodged! Love to feel vindicated.
Most importantly, I bumped into my elementary/middle school classmate at my driving school. She was also doing the theory test and passed so we went to drink coffee which then turned into a few beers.. I was so glad to see her. We were never super close in middle school even though our general interests and vibes aligned, I'm not sure why I never got closer to her but I definitely kind of regret it. I found out a lot of juicy info about my former classmates, one of them being that girl I wrote about, whom I used to have a mild crush on. Oh man the news about her really hit me like a truck for some reason. I really want to see her now, but she moved all the way east in the country and I have no idea how to contact her because she has no social media. I could go through her mother but... we'll see about that, I'd have to gather my courage. Apparently she did a 180 on her life and now has a husband and a child (or is pregnant - somewhere along those lines) and that caused a visceral reaction in me, to be honest. She was always steps above me in being a hardcore diy punk, always devoted to the lifestyle and very expressive, even though she DID hop between smaller subcultures often and go through phases with copying whoever was coolest in the group at the time, but still I simply can't imagine her living the white picket fence life in floral sundresses and long flowing hair with a cute softspoken voice like my classmate described her when she last saw her in 2018 (and I saw her last in 2017!). Why do I feel almost betrayed LMAO. It's ridiculous to hold onto ideas of people from they were in literal middle school but I always had this weird internal self obsession with being true to myself, so when people seem to change heavily like this in the span of a year, it shocks me! Maybe I'm projecting, or maybe my inability to accept that people change is just jumping out right now.. Maybe I changed too little? Anwyway, I want to see her, I NEED to be the judge. Maybe I don't know her anymore, but I know she's going to call me by my nickname the moment she sees me, just like she did in 2017 after we haven't seen each other for 5 years.
One other wild thing about this whole situation and why I was so freaked out is that a few months ago I had a dream about her - AND SHE WAS PREGNANT. AND THAT WAS DURING HER ACTUAL REAL LIFE PREGNANCY THAT I HAD NO IDEA WAS TAKING PLACE. Freakiest shit man, I usually never dream of my former friends being pregnant, and she especially rarely appears in my dreams. In the dream we were catching up on life and she did look totally different, similar to how my classmate described her. Isn't that the freakiest shit...
Little warning for a lot of period talk. Finally, my period arrived after the surgery aghhhhhh. It was 3 weeks late. I got to try the cup for the first time. The first insertion didn't go well LMAO. I put it in fine, but I had cramps and the cup somehow made me feel bloated, and when I lied down in bed I felt like I had to poop. I thought this was the end, wasted 20€ or however much I paid for it.. Rip I'll never be a cup girlie converted to the cup cult... But then the next morning I decided to try again and this time I pushed it in just a bit further, last time the vacuum sealed too early and I guess it was in too shallow so it felt uncomfortable? After I inserted it properly I didn't even feel it. I need two hands to take it out though but that will probably get easier with practice.. I need to grip the stem with two fingers and then use my other index finger to push on the cup and break the seal and then finally pull down. Try to imagine how silly that looks. Even with all these gymnastic feats I had to do I have to say it's more comfortable to put in and insert compared to tampons. I hate how dry they feel. I found a good insertion method that I'm happy with. It's a lot less messy than I expected too, the blood isn't really liquid-y so there's almost 0 risk of it spilling from the cup. Anyway, would recommend, but I still need a couple more periods to pass to form a more educated opinon.
Mood:
Watching:
A lot of seasonal stuff...
Reading:
Coin Locker Babies
Playing:
Valheim lmao
One other thing is that my sister is a notorious man hater, and she almost but made a vow to never get tattooed by a male artist, because she's so intimidated by them, and getting tattoed by somebody that makes you uncomfortable would certainly leave a bad memory attached to the tattoo. But she was put into this uncomfortable situation, and me being an optimistic dumbass, I told her to go for it. "Oh he seemed nice, I was pleasantly surprised" I told her as I tried to sell her the idea of getting her first tattoo done by a man. She ended up messaging him. Right away there was something off but we ignored the red flags. He took two or three days to respond. When he finally responded he asked for a reference picture of what my sister wants. So she immediately sends a picture and writes "I was thinking about something along the lines of this". He responds with "sure I can do this for you, but you have to know it CAN'T look the exact same because these tattoos have to be unique and I can't rip someones work off". .... That's literally what she just said herself? Go off mansplainer. Ok maybe he's just stating the obvious to cover all bases or something. So my sister asks him if he's free that week and what time. He says "Yes.". Ok...... so my sister asks him about the exact time slot since he didn't offer her any. He says he's free, good, great. Didn't even ask for a deposit (nor does his studios page have a policy at all).
One thing though, he didn't mention the price. And we forgot about it too lmao. So like a day and a half before the tattoo (mind you we're doing this in the span of a week) my sister's like "sorry but you never told me the price?" and the dude lists a ridiculous price for such a tiny tattoo (200€). Thing is, they work in an illegal studio (it's common here, not necessarily a red flag) and their prices tend to be lower! This dude has the pricepoint of a professional artist and even the best and fanciest studio in the city doesn't charge that much, for such tattoos. So now my sister is feeling bad, like what to do she wasn't expecting this much especially considering I paid half the price for two tattoos with a lot more details IN THE SAME STUDIO lmao. In the end we decide to send him a message to cancel her appointment. She apologized a ton and said she wasn't prepared for such a high price etc. What does he respond with? "...". Yeah, dot dot dot. And then he said something like "in the future if you want to get tattooed by me you should leave me a deposit!". Ok???? That's on you dude, for never even mentioning both the price OR the deposit? While the girl that tattooed me mentioned the price the moment I sent her a message lmao. So anyway, my sister felt incredibly embarrassed and now she'll have to wait on getting tattooed by that girl because of it. And it's all my fault, honestly. She's not mad at me or anything, but it's just funny that the ONE time I decided to goad her into giving a chance to a man this happened. Lesson learned!
Mood:
Watching:
Maison Ikkoku
Reading:
Nothing
Playing:
Valheim
Ironically, there was a show on our local tv station that talked specifically about appendectomy after I got the surgery. Through that I found out I had something that's called chronic appendicitis, and it's why I've been feeling this insane pain almost exactly a year ago, and 6 months ago. My ovaries would swell up during ovulation, and in turn they'd irritate my appendix. It wouldn't get inflamed (or maybe it would but it would go down quickly) so the doctors would release me home. Well, this time it was a proper inflammation, and because I was told to wait by my gynecologist, it ended up bursting too. Well, glad it's over with at least. Hopefully this weekend I'll feel good enough to finally finish that review backlog!!! I can't wait to return to being myself.
Mood:
Watching:
Maison Ikkoku
Reading:
Nothing
Playing:
Nothing
Recently some Genshin Impact VA has been accused of abhorrent behaviour. So abhorrent that in fact I'm weirded out how rumors haven't been appearing earlier, but maybe they have and I just didn't hear about it since I'm not in the Genshin Impact community because I'm a #team-mobile-game-hater. Yes we exist. We will rise up one day, just you wait. Anyway, I want to say how weirded out I am by this whole... situation. I'm not going to victim blame children, although I will lend you some advice if you're a child reading my diary for some reason. DO NOT talk to random scrotum-havers about your issues. DO NOT vent to them. DO NOT speak about your personal life to them. What do you, a 13 year old, have in common with a 24 YEAR OLD MALE with a receeding hairline??? Damn, the dude is a whole year younger than me. Did not expect that. You've got friends, family, teachers. You've got anonymous venting apps and websites if you really need to scream into the void. You've probably got online friends YOUR AGE that you could vent to (but I wouldn't really encourage that) but please, don't vent to some dude just because he voices a character you like... As for the adult women... I'm honestly perplexed. I can't imagine what would compel an adult to vent to A VOICE ACTOR. Vic Mangina all over again. How does one even form a parasocial relationship to a voice actor? What higher power told you to tell a man that doesn't even know you that you cut yourself????????? WHY do you think a random dude would even want to hear about that stuff??????????? If he wasn't an asshole that deserves to rot, why would you subject a random stranger to that information? I'll never get that, I cannot for the love of god wrap my head around it. AND DOES NOBODY CARE ABOUT STRANGER DANGER ANYMORE?!?!?!? I swear, internet makes people collectively lose braincells and forget common courtesy, common sense and what boundaries are. It's really simple. Would you walk up to some guy in a store and tell him your parents fought yesterday and three days ago you tried to commit suicide? Do you think he'd be freaked out? I would. YOU would be if someone did that to you. NOW IMAGINe that guy is also a predator that loves to prey on weak people. "OH look at this dumb bitch she came to me and exposed her weakness unprompted, I didn't even have to work for it". EASY. For god's sake, women forget men are statistically our biggest predator. Don't ever forget that.
In other news, I got two more tattoos on Monday oh yeahhhh. I will not be posting them even though I REALLY want to, but I'm so satisfied. I found a perfect artist in my tiny country!! She's got incredible style, and it's right up my alley. I'm only regretful of being slightly too autistic while she was tattooing me. I don't know how to talk with people I'm not familiar with so it kind of felt like an extended hair salon experience. I hope she didn't mind too much, I pretended I was studying because I had an exam the day after, the truth is I couldn't really focus since she was tattooing me LOL. It's funny because my sister went and got tattooed two weeks ago, and then the same girl tattooed my mom a week ago and I was with them and we all chatted in such a relaxed manner but when I'm 1 on 1 with someone I turn into an idiot.
I'm starting to feel so big and wide. WHY am I developing body dysmorphia in my mid 20s oh my god lmao. Well not really, I really love my body and love seeing myself in the mirror... But whenever somebody posts a picture with me in it I look HUGE. My BMI is right in the middle of a healthy range, but I'm starting to feel kind of flabby recently. Well, I need to start working out more seriously, but it's a problem because I'm at home and my dad is obsessed with stuffing me with food. It's like his only way of showing love, and he showers me with snacks. He makes incredibly tasty dinners lately too and I'm begging him to swap it for lunch so that I can have light dinners but noooo. It's like he has "too much money" since he stopped smoking (he doesn't really he earns slightly above minimum wage). I also have no workout clothes, maybe it's time to buy some and start running. I hate running, but cycling made me lose 0 weight. Absolutely 0 and I'd do like 10km+ every day. Don't know whats up with that. I probably should've done more but anything more than 45 mins of exercise bores me the fuck outtttt. All of my friends started going to the gym but I could not bear working out in front of people. Running into random runners on the road is embarrassing enough for me. I just want to get back to my pre-contraception pills weight. FUCK hormones. Once my tattoos heal I'm goooooing. For sure. I swear.
Mood:
Watching:
Maison Ikkoku
Reading:
The Sin Eater
Playing:
Elden Ring
For a while now I've been a part of a discord of a website I used to be an active poster in. Don't want to give out too many details because I almost got myself cancelled on there so um yeah. Anyway, it's funny that a few years ago I'd get in such stupid arguments over kids and their relationship with porn. A very controversial topic for sure, and a lot of people got really offended by me saying how a lot of young men are suffering from brain rot and porn addiction, and how young girls are being groomed into getting only fans, how suddenly choking is just a "kink" and everyone must be expected to do it but somehow it's always men doing the choking bla bla you get the shtick. Well, well, well... These same views that made me infamous are now being expressed in that discord by the same people that wanted to burn me on a stake for it lmao. Ohhhh how I made people side-eye me, and now they're parotting this evil, radfemmy :////// ideology behind my back (or so they thought)!!!! Ha Ha Ha. Well, I'm glad they're growing as people. Another funny thing is that 2 years ago they were all deeply entrenched in the "fujoshis are evil gay male fetishizers!!!" but all of a sudden all of them removed fujoshis from their DNI's. I wonder why the tide is turning lmao. I must be missing out on some spicy twitter discourse.
In other news I'm sick of newfags AHHHHHHHHH. Please lurk more when integrating into a community PLEASEEEEEEEE. Also I'm sick of discord. That is all.
Mood:
Watching:
Maison Ikkoku
Reading:
Atm nothing because I'm busy studying!!!
Playing:
Elden Ring
Second reason is, I bought a little notebook and started writing in it! I really want to let my hands write physically again, because my handwriting is awful to say the least. It's funny, I mostly write about online things in my notebook, while my blog is for real life stuff.
And then there's also the fact that I'm kind of busy, while being stuck in my usual executive dysfunction mode. It's time to really admit to myself it's a problem, and the pandemic really helped in worsening that state. I'm trying to be productive, I'm even getting my health exam done for my driving license this week, after delaying it for so long. And today I'm seeing my mentor for my undergrad thesis. Yup, it's been 2 years and I still haven't finished it. It's ridiculous to think I wrote so many huge essays and seminars throughout my life, especially during uni, I can dish out 5000 word rants on anime and dress-up games in a matter of minutes but I'm stuck with a simple 25 page thesis on a topic that actually also interests me. Dear god.
So yeah, during periods like these I kind of shut down internally, and lose the desire to talk or write about my life - for myself. I feel embarrassed for myself in the future reading this lmao.
Mood:
Watching:
nothing much
Reading:
re-reading The Trial
Playing:
Elden Ring
Life troubles aside, I noticed a really weird trend lately. If anyone from Eastern Europe/Balkans is reading this, do let me know if you noticed the same. A lot of my former classmates and people I know generally are suddenly visiting muslim countries ONLY. Tunisia, Turkey, UAE, Saudi Arabia, Egypt.. The list goes on?? If I ever dare to check facebook, all I see are stories from my female friends covered head to toe in deserts lmfao. Are these countries just super cheap to visit right now or what... I know Turkeys currency went way down but man this has been happening for the last 3 years.
I finally watched Gone Girl, after years and years of hearing about it. Don't read the rest of this entry if you don't want to be spoiled lmao. My sister urging me to do it recently finally made me watch it. I already knew practically everything important about it, the Cool Girl monologue, the Neil Patrick Harris scene, the whole plot and all... But honestly I was a bit surprised by the ending of the Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss: The Movie. A lot of people praise it as this big feminist movie, but at the end she stays with her husband? Really? I like movies about women losing their minds though, so I found it really entertaining and fun, but everything I heard about it against my will in the past kind of gave me a totally different idea of the ending and the whole point of the movie. She's just stuck with her asshole husband, and for what? Yes yes she got him good and all that, but idk, rubs me the wrong way. I revel in the fact her retard husband is going to be punished but at the same time she's going to waste her life on that which doesn't make it much different from just staying in the first place. Not exactly the feminist separatist idea I had in mind when going in lmao. I had the exact same feeling when watching Midsommar, also way later than it came out. I heard so much "yass girlpower feminist revenge fantasy" talk about it and.. she just got in a cult? And innocent people died - not just her asshole boyfriend, so what's the point really? I know a part of it is memes, but sometimes it feels like people miss the point of movies really hard. Like the media I watch doesn't have to be perfectly feminist or whatever x ideology I'm into, I just hate when it's being touted as such when it isn't? Maybe the Cool Girl monologue made a lot of points and female rage is great but then the ending just goes back on all of that! I was also really interested to see why exactly the main character was so hated by her husbands twin sister. She was a bitch, why? Maybe the book gave more context on that, but I have this thing where I just can't bring myself to read the source material after I watch a movie, except for Harry Potter, so I guess I'll never know. I don't have this issue with manga interestingly enough.
Mood:
Watching:
Ergo Proxy, Ghost Hound
Reading:
Hourglass, The Girl From the Other Side
Playing:
Kingdom Hearts 3
Then the blue check marks. Oh goddddddddddd. First the ones on tumblr, they do the same thing twitter does but "ironically" so now it's funny. Either way you have to pay? Beats the point. Then the Neocities ones. Dear lord why would you associate neocities with twitter, even as a joke. I don't really care if disgruntled twitter users come here but this epic dunking on Musk by using the same methods he's using is idiocy to the highest degree. It's just not funny.
And lastly the.... dreamie... situation. I never want to speak about neocities drama ever again but - SHE SAID I WAS RIGHT WING BECAUSE I REVIEWED A BOOK THAT CRITICALLY TALKS ABOUT RIGHT WING WOMEN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I had to get that out of my system. And no, I don't want "people like her" dead, what an emotional manipulator. I sincerely hope she'll go offline for a bit (who am I kidding) and learn to read books a bit further down than just the title. I think it would do her good!
Anyway, I really need to lay it off for a bit, for the past couple of days I've been using my valuable free time on absolute bullshit, and I couldn't pull myself away from the screen. Instead of actually talking with people I want to talk to. I started reading Danilo Kiš's biography written by Mark Thompson - some british historian dude that covered the war here in the 90s. It was recommended to me by my teacher, so far it seems good. Hope it'll help on the exam in February.
Mood:
Watching:
Ergo Proxy
Reading:
Hourglass
Playing:
Kingdom Hearts 3
Something I forgot to mention last time, but I watched Dahmer when I was with my sister. It was er... worse than I expected. Despite not really being into it, I have this weird tradition to binge watch true crime shows exclusively when I'm sleeping over at my sisters and so far most of the stuff we watched was pretty good but man... they really tried their best to make you feel horny for Dahmer, or Evan Peters, I guess. Half off topic but I just got reminded over how my ex had this weird period of being "into" Dahmer when he was like, 14. Anyway, it was uncomfortable to watch at parts and the jerking off scenes were promptly skipped by my foot while we were watching it together and cringing. At the same time, I'm really sick and tired of people (weirdly a lot of men) being so outraged because women found Evan Peters hot as Dahmer when that was clearly the point of many scenes and you can't really blame people for, well, falling for the trap I guess. There's this strange outrage culture/shade throwing/outward disgust/harsh judgement for women saying they find problematic men hot and it materialized specifically now in the form of annoying youtube liberal video essays which while I fully agree hybristophiles are strange and I don't think these kind of thoughts, if you have them, should really be vocalized very loudly out of some basic respect and decency, nor should you contact serial killers about how much you thirst for them, AT THE SAME TIME, I'm tired of women getting shat on for liking reenactments of shady men (directed by men lmao) when shady porn tropes will always be the first thing you see when you open pornhub and we all know how much men love their underage incest "rough sex" porn don't we... Being a chronical sufferer (believer?) of "I can fix him because I'm a turbo nlog" is the less harmful one in the grand scheme of things, yet I'm not seeing as many video essays talking about the porn tropes and what kind of harm they can cause by those concerned video essayists HMMMMM. Funnily enough just earlier today I saw this YouTube video of a man listing porn tropes to the police as a reason why he should be allowed to stalk a woman LMFAO what a coincidence. On the other hand, the amount of silly goofy one liners said by Evan Peters in the show that are now sounds on tiktok are just.. lmao! For a generation of young adults/teens that are so overly concerned and sensitive not to offend anyone, it sure is weird to see them handle the show in this way, even though the show made a point to make fun of it, even though the show did the exact same thing it made fun of, even though the show was really disrespectful to the victims... It's crazy on so many levels.
Phew, I sure went on a tangent there. Today I went to the court to take care of some more documents. It was the first time I ever went to the court, and it was an interesting experience to stand in line with a man in cuffs while I waited for my certificate of good conduct lol. During this week I had to take care of a lot of bureocratic stuff and all the ladies taking care of my requests were so nice and kind... Bit out of the ordinary but I'm not complaining. Despite the fact that we're like midway into autumn, the weather is still pretty sunny and comfortable during those 3-4 hours of sunlight, then it goes back to like 12-4°C. I remember last year was pretty depressing during this time, but no doubt the rainy days are coming soon.
Oh and if you're reading this and I haven't replied to your e-mails in a while (or at all), I'm sorry I'll get to it soon, my computer time is a bit limited at the moment but this weekend I should have enough time if my plans to visit my friend get delayed.. I also have some people I've been meaning to contact but I keep delaying it agh!!!
Mood:
Watching:
Ergo Proxy
Reading:
Garden, Ashes
Playing:
Kingdom Hearts 3
The day I was on my way to visit my sister, I was taking the tram as I would usually. Across from me, which is like half a meter away, were two young men, uni aged, I'd say around 20 max, younger than me for sure. One of them had greasy, slicked back mid length hair that could've used a trim, with a light blue linen two piece suit, I assumed he was going to or from some event, but either way the choice of suit was really weird for men in my country. Behind him was a balding dude, wearing all black and a large leather jacket, his below average slavic pug face wrecked with pimples. I'm being harsh to his appearance, but it will play an important part in what's coming next. I'm minding my own business until I hear the baldie say "my sister is a huge whore". It sounds less harsh in english, but saying whore in the way he said it is extremely disrespectful, especially towards someones sibling. "If I ever met her boyfriend, I would brutally beat both of them", he continues. The guy in the suit asks him why, and how old was she. The baldie says she's 17 and that she gets too emotionally invested in her relationships. Which sounds like the weirdest reason to call a young girl a whore lmao. This snippet of their conversation really piqued my interest, so I continued to listen. Their next conversation, led by baldie again, was about finding ideal women. "My ideal girlfriend would have to be religious. But there must be like two religious girls max in this city. I'd want somebody really devoted.", yeah, sure, guy who calls his own sister a whore, I'm sure a nice religious girl would love that display of love and kindness. The suit dude seems a bit perplexed because after all, this is a pretty catholic country, and we do have a lot of religious, timid girls suffering from arrested development due to their wonderful upbringing that would be an incels wet dream. These girls are usually also very active in the church and all kinds of similar communities, there's seriously no lack of them. So the suit guy asks him, why doesn't he just go to the church? "Oh, no no no, you see, the ones in the church are no good.", so the suit guy interjects and jokes how they're probably hypocrites, and not actually "real" catholics but the baldie replies with: "No, it's not just that. It's because women that attend the church are only after your money." - says a jobless man going to uni, who definitely does not have to worry about women going after his money. Then they talked something about politics which I wasn't able to hear well, but it was concluded with "non democratic societies are the best for men" to which the both agreed. Next they started joking about the suit guy because apparently this is how he dresses all the time, and baldies parents say he looks like a Mexican gangster. He does. Suit guy said something about baldies mom that I didn't hear well, but it ended with baldy saying "yes, opposites attract but I wouldn't want it that way", which made me think his dad is your typical low iq "catholic" retard and his mom is more chill as it is the norm here, and he has some kind of mommy issues due to it. After that they started insulting some girls in their university, how they're all ugly, while at the same time they sounded very excited over seeing them dressed more fancy, I'm assuming they're about to finish their bacchelors soon. Next theme was stocks. Baldie begins with a long monologue about how it was a smart idea to get into stocks and how he doesn't mind losing a 100€ here or there because after all, all the money he gets (keyword, gets not earns so I'm assuming it's from his parents) is spent only on food. The suit guy replies with "that's great, and this is why having no gf is great as well, you don't need to shower them with money, and spend absurd amounts of money on dates and gifts..." to which the baldie agrees. At this point, I know they've never talked with a normal woman in this country before, and all their ideas about dating came from american media and 4chan kek. In my whole life I've only met one couple that went to dates in restaurants in their early 20's. One. And they split it half half... Next theme was wet dreams, I kid you not. So the baldie asks the guy in the suit if he ever had wet dreams, to which he replies only once or twice. They started to go into the intricacies of realistic sex dreams but then segued into fitness, and how it's important to "get that energy out while exercising" instead of jerking off. Real mindblowing stuff.
I really had to write this all down so I can come back to it and laugh. It's like the baldie was reading through a bulletpoint list of the most common incel conversations. Thing is, I know my country has a lot of 4chan users. So many men I've met during my high school years and their friends were really open about it. Even at uni, I knew a group of dudes that would spout /fit/ memes in public. However, to be an unironic incel in my country has kind of been unheard of, because the way men here deal with loneliness, the way relationships and dating works here... it's a lot different. Men and women hang out together a lot more and when you're new in uni for example, it won't be weird to strike up random conversations with strangers regarding homework etc and carry on from there. People regularly go on coffee breaks together and hang out, it's not something reserved only for your closest friends. There's really no such thing as going on expensive dates, or women having crazy expectations of luxurious gifts. On some level we all grew up or had experience with poverty and people aren't as big on consuming as americans are (when I see what kind of shit my american/western euro friends can afford on a whim despite "struggling" with money or calling themselves frugal...). So unless these men are shooting for the girl in 2016 instagram makeup, 5 inch heels and fake lashes and done up hair that regularly parties every weekend that's only in the church because her nephew is getting baptised, which lets be honest, they are, because their self admitted coomer brains are incapable of perceiving modest women as human no matter how much they say they want a gf like that they won't and shouldn't really have issues with getting a girlfriend. My ex was fat and not really good looking, yet he had another gf after me without issues despite also balding at that time lmao. I've seen 35 year old Shreks in local villages with their 20 year old wives. Poor girls because they don't know any better and don't have much choice over there, but my point is, men have it easy here when it comes to dating. They're coddled by their families, especially if they come from smaller towns and villages. Outside of the family they'll always have other men supporting their backs and being good friends. So idk. There's really no excuse you can make here for being totally alone. Even I had to make an effort to be alone, because people truly do love hanging out here. I could hit up my friends from high school and they most likely wouldn't hesitate on asking me for a coffee to catch up and give me a few hours of their time. So yeah, hearing two dudes here, spouting off random shit they read online reeks of laziness and not even attempting to try and socialize because if they did they definitely would not have issues in doing so. Baldie looks like any random man, the suit guy looks like he huffs his own farts but he seems like the more social one out of the two. Such a strange thing to witness...
I've been playing more Kingdom Hearts 3 and now I'm on the dlc optional boss fights and generally have been lurking around the KH community online. Everything has changed since I last "participated" in the community and it feels strange. I used to be a regular on the KH threads on.. /v/? It was before they became a normal ocurrence on /vg/ I think. Before DDD came out, I was so up to date to everything, but now the mobile games brought so much lore I feel like I don't understand shit, even though KH3 felt self-contained, it really wasn't. Another interesting thing I noticed is that back when I was deep into KH, people shat on KH2's combat soooo much. And I get why, it felt really floaty and a lot of the weight from KH1 was gone, things could be cheesed with reflect... It lost a lot of KH1's "oomph", but now everyone hails it as the peak! Meanwhile, KH3's combat seems to have a lot of hate, which I don't get. It has a lot of animation locks and feels clunkier, but I think that adds to the difficulty. If everything can just be cancelled then you don't have to be as careful. I do think the iframes are worse though. Maybe I learned to appreciate
Mood:
Watching:
Ergo Proxy
Reading:
Garden, Ashes
Playing:
Kingdom Hearts 3
My bowel issues aside, I had something really bizarre happen to me and my husband, when we were on a walk. We were walking near a local neighbourhood square and some event was going on so it was really loud, tons of people around. The square is surrounded by a couple of buildings - a residential building, one a big gym, and the third being a 2 floor small local mall full of defunct clothing stores, a few haircut places and a lot of lawyers and similar offices. Right in the middle of the mall is a big, brutalist building that looks completely out of place compared to the surrounding architecture. The building has some government offices in it but it also seems to have a residential function as well. The scene is set. My husband and I decide to walk into the mall and try to find the entrance to the building for shits and giggles. It's much warmer on the inside than on the outside, the air is really stiff. You can smell the a/c vent air combined with dust. Even though the mall is half open to the outside, you can barely hear the crowd at this point. We're walking around, whenever we take a turn everything looks the same. Finally we see a corner filled with boxes and old office chairs so we think we finally reached the end of this floor. As we take the hopefully last turn the passage abruptly transitions from "mall corridor" apparently mall corridors are called concourses, to "building stairway". The stairway was really dirty and unkempt and since it looked like the residential part, we didn't really want to wander inside and intrude. While we were still loitering around we heard a weird voice coming closer to us from the top of the stairwell. Lo and behold, it was a weird Michael Jackson impersonator with a horrible afro wig, singing and hee-heeing loudly descending upon us in a tight suffocating space. He jumped in front of us and he did a little dance number while repeating "I'm back". Needless to say, we were too stunned to speak. And honestly a bit scared too, because he seemed to have a few screws loose. We nodded enthusiastically with fear in our eyes, and he went further down the stairs once he finished his little dance number. Really interesting, right?
Completely unrelated to this creepy experience (but seriously lmao), I had an itch to play something on my psp as I've been neglecting it for a while now. I remembered I had the first Silent Hill on it, that I gave up on at the beginning because the camera was annoying, even though I played 2 and 3 just fine? I was being dumb. I decided to give it another go, and I finished it in about 2 days. It's definitely shorter than the other two games, but it seems I got the bad ending. I was rushing a bit at the end and I missed a spot. Luckily I made a separate save around the time I fucked up so I'll go back and get the good ending. I know SH games are meant to be replayed and the game encourages it, but I don't like replaying horror games.
Yesterday I got a strong desire to play Sims 4 again, I updated it, fixed some mods, downloaded a ton of cc, made my sim and built my house and then got completely annoyed ingame when my sim started checking her phone every 5 seconds. Seems I'll need a mod for that. And also a lot of the social interactions seem to be broken which ruins the fun too. My mods should be up to date. It's so tiring, I just want to play my little historical sim in her little witchy tiny house!!!
Mood:
Watching:
86
Reading:
Angel's Sanctuary (still...)
Playing:
The Sims 4
Earlier this week, I attended my husbands graduation! He graduated more than a year ago but his university was holding it off for quite a while. It was quite an event, they had live performers. We arrived there last moment before the graduates picture was taken so we had to hurry to get the robes and stuff. After that I left my husband with his friends and went to find a seat somewhere. There was a popcorn machine near me, and the smell was so good... But I didn't bring my wallet with me so I had to suffer in silence. Definitely will be buying a popcorn maker soon, they're pretty cheap. Anyway, the whole ceremony lasted for way too long, I was nodding off during the speeches. It's not that interesting when you can't understand the language! They threw their caps, received their diplomas and we went off on our pizza hunt. A while ago we made the decision to try every pizza place in our near vicinity, because there's many. The one we tried this time was surprisingly cheap, but not outstanding in its taste. They're all made in electric ovens and out of thin dough with barely any crust, so they can never taste like the real thing of course. However the best one so far (from the non-chains) is the pizza place right next to our building. But it's a bit more expensive than the rest. The amount of cheese they use is perfect. Our toppings of choice are usually mushrooms and onions...
The best chain available here is Papa Johns though. They don't exist in my country, so my first time trying it was here... it's pretty good actually. Dominos can't compare.
Yesterday my husband took a day off so we were out all day. First we went to the embassy of my country to ask some questions. They were really unhelpful, sasuga my country. Then we ate lunch at an amazing small cafe/restaurant. This country is weird with it's distinction between cafes and restaurants tbh. Ah the food was great I'm still thinking about it. The rest of the day we spent near the sea and oh, we rode those stupid scooters for the first time. I actually kind of had a phobia of driving them, because I feel so unstable when accelerating. I tried them once before but never actually rode around for real. Anyway, we chose a good path to ride on and it wasn't so scary. It was pretty fun and enjoyable, but I still prefer bikes. I don't feel secure in traffic with these scooters at all, and turning/breaking with them takes some time getting used to. We befriended cats, pet some cats, fed some cats, and that about sums up our day. We had a mandatory stop at the mall full of alt kids. I saw a woman with massive hard fake breasts. These things are really rare to see in my country, but pretty common here it seems. I honestly can't comprehend why someone would do that to themselves. I mean I can, but it still feels unbelievable to witness irl.
Today I enrolled into another year in my university... I'm still not done... I have two subjects left apparently. I'm losing my mind slowly. I hope this is it finally. I got fucked over so hard, and now I totally believe all those horror stories I heard online about my uni. It really is a place that entraps you forever, and nobody wants to help you.
Mood:
Watching:
Ergo Proxy
Reading:
Densha otoko
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Instead I've been reading this book called Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style. I have about 100 pages left. Maybe I'll make an article about it because the subject matter is pretty interesting. One thing that I learned about, that I definitely wasn't expecting to learn about in a book about fashion was Nameneko...
Next on my reading list is Densha Otoko, which I think I read about a long long time ago, but I never completed it. Iirc it was just a collection of 2chan posts, so it shouldn't take too long to read. I've also been watching Nichijou, I think I haven't watched an anime alone for years now lol. Honestly, since people often bring the two up together, I like Azumanga Daioh more. I've been thinking of reviewing it, but I really don't know how to review comedy/slife of life stuff. "It was really funny and I liked it :)" - cabbage.
Mood:
Watching:
The Wire
Reading:
Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style, W. David Marx
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Yesterday, I got a random facebook notification and while I usually don't click on those, it was about my former best friend from elementary school so I figured I'll check out what she's up to. Pictures seemed to be from a bachelorette/bachelors party. A lot of flag waving. The group of people seemed pretty conservative/nationalistic/turbo-normie villagers that are very common in my country. They looked so boring. All of the men were fat, balding and ugly. I can imagine the exact type of music they'd play. It made me think, how the hell did she end up there? She used to be a very creative, expressive girl full of personality. She always had dreams of something bigger. She was very naive and childlike, she never expressed interest in men, not even in high school. Now she's in a relationship with some boring dude into BMW's lol... I wonder what changed her, what stifled her? Her older sister was similar to her yet she got married to a really cool dude and they travel all the time and seem to have a lot of fun. And I can't really judge her whole current life from a few pictures, but every time I see her tagged somewhere it's always this boring small town setting among boring 0 personality people that have no interests in anything. I don't think of myself to be better or superior, but I never meshed well with these types of people, and neither has she. Reminded me of Kim from Better Call Saul being stuck with those boring office workers lmao. It makes me think whether she regrets her choices, or maybe I'm just imagining myself in her shoes. Maybe she doesn't feel that way at all, and she's actually happy. But somehow I find it hard to believe, knowing what we used to talk about, what we used to bond over. All of that couldn't have just disappeared once our bond weakened could it?
People change, but I feel like their essence always stays about the same. Whenever I bump into someone that I knew as a child, at their core - they seem like the same person they always were. Maybe better and improved, or aligning themselves with strange opinions and ideologies - but all those traits fall back into how they acted as a kid.
Mood:
Watching:
The Wire
Reading:
Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style, W. David Marx
Playing:
The Sims 4
Yesterday I went to the cinema with my husband, we decided to go on a whim. The city we live in is well-known for having a cinema/library media center, and the cinema doesn't just play new movies but also a lot of classic ones too. I guess it's called a cinematheque? I've heard that word being used in such a way in my language a couple of times.
The movie we ended up watching was The Trouble with Angels from 1966, directed by Ida Lupino. The movie is about two rebellious girls attending a catholic high school run by nuns. Frankly I thought it was a really sweet slice of life/coming of age film. Mary is the ringleader, and Rachel is her follower. The two of them cause a lot of trouble in the school, much to the dismay of the nuns. But as time passes, one of the girls secretely decides to become a nun even though both of them were quite against the idea at the start of the movie. This decision becomes clear to one of the girls at the end of the movie and a rift between them happens. They still manage to reconcile in the last scene, so I thought the wrap up was done well. It's a cute story about female friendship, and realizing you want to live by helping others. Frankly, I don't even think this has much to do with religion or god - that it's some kind of a Catholic propaganda movie. Being a nun always seemed to me like an amazing way to live, especially as a woman, in times when women were respected much less. To live in a community surrounded and managed by women, while volunteering and helping others seems like a really alluring lifestyle.
My husband has been invited to 3 weddings in the next week. Quite abhorrent honestly... I truly dislike weddings lmao. Luckily I won't be attending 2 of them. I don't know the people, my husband will be going with his work buddies that won't bring their +1's either, and we will get to spend less money in gifts, everyone wins! The third wedding is a mutual friend, so I'll be happy to attend, and happy to know that it's going to be a small, informal wedding that will end with a barbeque! Sweet.
Saving the best for last, I've been talking with a friend about how we're both suffering from executive dysfunction. Both of us are delaying our bachelors thesis/dissertation to the point where we're going to be paying for university next year to delay it even further. Neither of us really understand why, as the topics we're supposed to be writing about are interesting to both of us respectively. Not sure whether it was the pandemic, the earthquake, me not being near my uni friends anymore, but something is affecting me in such a way that I simply can't get myself to progress academically and do any kind of administrative task. There is also a lot of resentment and anxiety around my university messing up my enrollment a few years back, which resulted in a slew of issues that are going to hold me back a year. It's absolutely eating me up inside. So starting now, I hope I'll get to work a bit on my thesis. I'm feeling it today!!! Not really.
Mood:
Watching:
The Wire
Reading:
Azumanga Daioh, Kiyohiko Azuma
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Or now, a weeb with a black wolfcut with chunky boots and an oversized black tshirt... I wonder what they talk about when they hang out together... I wonder what online spaces they frequent. Are they actually just turbo normies going through a phase? I don't know.. But this is the only thing that ever managed to instill this feeling that I missed out. I never had a group of friends to properly sperg out with. Maybe the only reason I'm glad I don't have to deal with being a teenage weeb today is all the gender identity shit. It's so weird how all of the anime shops I went into sold lgbt flags, pins and other paraphernalia. It's like sexuality/gender identity itself became a fandom and a part of weeb culture. Weird ngl. But those kids seemed to be having fun so... good for them. They were real living and breathing mall rats, something I never thought I'd see.
In other news I definitely settled on which studio I'm getting my vertical labret done in. I went to check it out today, and it looks really nice. To top it off, they actually list their prices online which is pretty based. I hate when info like this isn't publicly disclosed. I'll probably do it during late September when I'm done with pools and swimming for the season. Quite hyped.
Oh and I finished Better Call Saul. The bus singing part was cringe and hard to watch. Other than that, I'm pretty satisfied with the ending. I'm glad it ended less dramatically than Breaking Bad. Not going to say much else so I don't spoil it for anyone. Overall, I'm not sure which one I liked more. I think Better Call Saul was definitely the more fun one to watch, Breaking Bad made me want to look away too often - not that I don't appreciate that. They were both really good shows in their own ways.
Mood:
Watching:
Reading:
Before the Coffee Gets Cold, Toshikazu Kawaguchi
Right Wing Women, Andrea Dworkin
Biomega, Tsutomu Nihei
Playing:
Menma's Tera
I wrote a huge essay about my personal relationship with food (which is healthy) and my recent weight gain but... I got over it in the middle of writing so I don't even feel like having it up. I'll just conclude it with I'm cutting out snacks and going back to morning yoga. I looked at myself in the mirror and I look great, I am not sure why that greatness doesn't translate into pictures. Reverse body dysmorphia, perhaps?
Also my hair is growing at a rapid speed, I had to cut my bangs only a week since I cut them last. My hair is at buttcrack length, I really want to cut it but I don't know how. I want to have jaw length hair but I fear it wouldn't suit me.
I've been reading Dworkin's Right Wing Women, it's really good so far. Despite Dworkin being a radical feminist her writing is respectful towards the subject(s) of the book but it doesn't pull any punches. I admire the brutality in her writing. Hell, I'm not a right-wing woman, but I feel called out in some of her statements. This book was published in 1983... so some of her observations are outdated (such as women being paid 50% of what men are, and... abortions being legal lol), but this book isn't just about right wing women. It's about why women choose to survive in and conform to systems that are clearly against them in many ways. And why these women, in those systems, still manage to be the most devout and honest followers of said systems. I haven't finished it yet so I'm not logging it in my books page, but I'll leave you with this massive qoute.
Right-wing women have surveyed the world: they find it a dangerous place. They see that work subjects them to more danger from more men; it increases the risk of sexual exploitation. They see that creativity and originality in their kind are ridiculed; they see women thrown out of the circle of male civilization for having ideas, plans, visions, ambitions. They see that traditional marriage means selling to one man, not hundreds: the better deal. They see that the streets are cold, and that the women on them are tired, sick, and bruised. They see that the money they can earn will not make them independent of men and that they will still have to play the sex games of their kind: at home and at work too. They see no way to make their bodies authentically their own and to survive in the world of men. They know too that the Left has nothing better to offer: leftist men also want wives and whores; leftist men value whores too much and wives too little. Right-wing women are not wrong. They fear that the Left, in stressing impersonal sex and promiscuity as values, will make them more vulnerable to male sexual aggression, and that they will be despised for not liking it. They are not wrong. Right-wing women see that within the system in which they live they cannot make their bodies their own, but they can agree to privatized male ownership: keep it one-on one, as it were. They know that they are valued for their sex— their sex organs and their reproductive capacity—and so they try to up their value: through cooperation, manipulation, conformity; through displays of affection or attempts at friendship; through submission and obedience; and especially through the use of euphemism—“femininity, ” “total woman, ” “good, ” “maternal instinct, ” “motherly love. ” Their desperation is quiet; they hide their bruises of body and heart; they dress carefully and have good manners; they suffer, they love God, they follow the rules. They see that intelligence displayed in a woman is a flaw, that intelligence realized in a woman is a crime. They see the world they live in and they are not wrong. They use sex and babies to stay valuable because they need a home, food, clothing. They use the traditional intelligence of the female—animal, not human: they do what they have to to survive.
Mood:
Watching:
Better Call Saul
Reading:
Before the Coffee Gets Cold, Toshikazu Kawaguchi
Right Wing Women, Andrea Dworkin
Biomega, Tsutomu Nihei
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Other than that, we went on a little vacation and I got to enjoy the sea for a few days. Hence the lack of laptop. Besides the seaside, the rest of our vacation was spent on getting a new wardrobe for my husband as clothes in my country are 50% cheaper and he really started running out of stuff to wear. After the vacation we came back to our apartment, the flights were much less chaotic this time around.
I've also been looking for a good piercing studio in the city I live in now but it seems all the good studios don't post their prices publicly. Why?? I just want to know how overpriced it is, as I don't have issues with paying a bit more for a quality piercing job. I really want to get a vertical labret... And that would probably be the end of my piercing journey.
Lastly, I finally finished The Sopranos... A really great and quotable show honestly, if you haven't watched it I definitely recommend!
Mood:
Watching:
Reading:
Before the Coffee Gets Cold, Toshikazu Kawaguchi
Playing:
Menma's Tera
As I said here before, Tera was to be shut down on June 30th, 10am CEST. I was there, running two clients of course so I could experience it in both NA and EU regions. It was really emotional and truly felt like an end of an era. I'm currently in the process of making a little tera memorial (shrine?) page, documenting my history with tera, and tera's history in general. I'm not sure how to go about it yet but I'm still in process of just writing the text. Usually I make the site first and then put in the text but this time I'm going about it the other way.
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos
Reading:
Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos
Reading:
Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Most importantly, I like the focus on female relationships. It's a weirdly unprobed subject in manga; where are the shitty, toxic, ultra close, almost gay female friendships?
First of all, this is indeed an underexplored concept in manga and I wish there were more of it. Rarely will a friendship be the focus as opposed to a romantic relationship, yet friendships can be way more intense and dramatic in a different way, coupled with weird dynamics. Second of all, which is what I'll mainly be writing about here, is my own experience with a friendship like this. Why is this experience so universal? I was around 12, and it was the summer I started listening to pop-punk. A classmate of mine came back from a family vacation and randomly asked me to hang out with her. We never hung out much before, so this was kind of out of nowhere. It's so funny when you think about it, how easy it is to make friends in middle school. Anyway, by total chance, she started listening to the same music I did during that summer vacation and we bonded over it hardcore. For the first few months, it was just me and her. Exploring random places, sitting and talking near the train tracks and watching the trains pass by as we stood way too close. Hanging out at her house and sleeping over. I spent all of my free time with her. Soon after, she started introducing me to a lot of people. She was extremely extroverted, I was the shy lost puppy always following her. Despite her having and making so many friends, she would always turn back to me for my advice (lol) and rant to me about her "friends" and the latest drama and rumors. I followed her wherever she went to, but I was often left ignored by her flavor of the week friends. It didn't bother me much, because I was only there for her. I wanted to look cool for her. Only I went to her house to sleep over and film funny videos on our matching Sony Ericsson W910i's. In my mind, I was strangely possesive of her although I never expressed it. I'm not sure whether I would call it a full blown crush. Mainly because I've never experienced such intense feelings for a girl ever again. She was very much the type of "I'd kiss a girl in front of guys for attention and edgyness" type of alt (well back in those days, just punk not alt) girl, and yeah, I kind of wished that was me. The first two boyfriend's I've had - one of the reasons I dated them was to keep closer to her. Amidst me crushing on her though, I've come to realize she's not all that. Sometimes it seemed as if she put her flavour of the week friends over me, and that she would come running to me when she got bored of them. She didn't have a strong personality of her own, rather she just copied whoever she was hanging out with currently to a ridiculous degree. I was the only one who noticed, as I was the only one that stuck around long enough. Fashion style, speech patterns, the way in which she used social media, music and specific bands she was into, lace code, specific subcultures, haircuts, hair color - all of those changed a multitude of times over the 2 years we've been best friends. She would always choose to copy the most popular person of the group to impress them. She was very pliable. Attention-starved. I knew that would lead to trouble eventually. And just like that, I was out of her life, and she was out of mine. My feelings were brief and she no longer had an interest in me once she realized how much attention she can get from men, and how much comfort she can get from drugs, as opposed to me. We went to become total strangers in high school and I've only talked to her once since then.
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos
Reading:
Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Playing:
Menma's Tera
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos
Reading:
Notes From Underground, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Playing:
Menma's Tera
I've been reading manga lately, put books aside for a bit. Currently I'm preoccupied with the concept of travelling and... passages of time I guess. Aside from the stuff I reviewed I also read Rapid Commuter Underground and Kotonoba Drive with that theme. I also started reading Maki Kusumoto's works but even though I'm really enjoying the weirdness of it all, I don't think I'll be able to review it properly. Sometimes even when I think something is awesome and special, I can't really describe it properly or elaborate on my feelings about it. I finally finished DeDeDeDe (how many De's..) yesterday and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I made the same mistake I did with Punpun a whole ass decade ago. I started reading the manga before the last/last two volumes were published, and once they were finally out and translated, when I read them I didn't feel as connected to the work anymore, nor did I remember all the details properly. The ending of DeDeDe is more disappointing than Punpun, but on the whole I feel like the work is more positive and enjoyable. This is why I don't think I'll be able to write a review about it, I truly have goldfish memory when it comes to any kind of media.
Aside from manga, I'm still playing Tera, hardcore. I'm playing a sorcerer outside of my guild because frankly I sometimes get overwhelmed by my guildies and things they expect me to do for them. If I'm online and theres 2-4 more people on, they'll always expect me to do start a party and do things with them but they have to be easy comfortable things they want to do, so I end up doing dungeons I don't really feel like doing. Sometimes I just want to join random lfgs and not think too much about things. Another reason why I'm not in the guild on my sorc is because, well, I kind of suck! I haven't played sorc since 2015 and the class had I think 2 whole revamps since then, and there's a lot of nuance to it now. Oh and I have a funny thing that happened to me... When gearing up on this private server, one of the last pieces of good gear you'll acquire are a belt, brooch and a mask. The mask and belt being the more annoying ones to get. I was doing a dungeon with my guildie (the one that likes to spam me with dms) and a few randoms, and we were joking around saying how masks and belts break friendships because people want them so badly and they're so expensive that if you get the drop - even if you don't need it you'd rather sell it than giving it to your buddies. Which of course is ridiculous because this is a private server, and you should always have your guildies in mind right? My friend agreed, and he said he'd give me a physical mask (he needs a magical one) if he ever got it, completely unprompted. I don't really care much for it myself but it seemed like a kind gesture. Later on that same day after I went to sleep, he got a physical mask... and he immediately posted in the trade channel wanting to trade it for a magical one. He got like 50 offers from others that wanted to just buy it because physical masks are a lot more sought after and he even messaged me to brag about it, also complaining how he hasn't been able to find anyone to trade it for. So I just said if he doesn't find a trade he wants, I'd gladly buy it from him. Somehow his selflessness from earlier totally vanished which I found so funny. Funnily enough, later that day another guildie of mine got the same mask, and he's the type that loves to make money off the broker. But guess what, he gave me the mask right away, didn't even suggest selling it first. It's funny how people behave and get overwhelmed by greed, even in silly little video games.
In other news, consquences of my own actions are catching up to me. The skin on my sunburnt scalp started peeling off and dear lord, I looked like I had the worst case of dandruff in the world. I was combing it out for an hour or so, what an experience. It was actually pretty fun to get it all out with a comb but my long hair made it a pain in the ass. It reaches my hips now, the longest it's ever been I'm pretty sure. I had a super realistic dream about my cat this night. I sniffed her fur and pet her lmao. At least I can see her in my dreams now, I guess!
I wanted to write about some funny beef between everskies and vp users but I ran out of energy so maybe next time. Time for yoga and a shower I think.
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos
Reading:
Angel Sanctuary, Kaori Yuki
Playing:
Menmas TERA
I've been using discord since 2015. The first discord I joined was a guild discord for an mmo I was playing. To this day, that is one of the top three discord servers I use and actively talk in. I've joined many servers, not for the purpose of socializing, but mostly game servers, guide servers, shit like that. I made many online friends that way, and I don't even really like making internet friends because I feel like chatting 1 on 1 is a bit of a chore for me, since my interests take up most of the time I spend on a computer. Every time I would try to join a "Discord Community" a la those type of servers you see on server advertising websites, it would be an absolute cancer fest. Even back then. I do realize that's a subjective experience though, judging by Cyuucats post.
The most important advice I would have for one looking for a good discord server to meet likeminded individuals in is: don't. You don't want to look for a Discord Community, you want to look for a Community That Happens to Have a Discord. Whether that be interests and hobbies like tech, videogames, weeb shit, books, films, politics etc. even imageboard discords can be decent (although I think discord does more harm than good to imageboards lmao, and it certainly depends on the imageboard because really, discord trannies are a thing). It's kind of like giving advice to men that are desparate for a gf. You won't meet a girl you like in a random public space, most likely you'll meet her through your interests or through friend's of friends.
What Cyuucat said about all good discords being private is true. Any decent discord will either be private or won't have a way of accessing it through those websites that advertise discords. Those types of servers are mostly aimless and populated by people that really are like.. discord users first and foremost. They usually just devolve into dating and grooming drama, meaningless shitposting and circlejerks. Ideally, you want a discord that's not full of seasoned discord veterans, instead it has a ton of people that are like "hey I don't know jack shit about discord but I like this community so I'll join". Ideally, you want to be one of the first waves of people joining because it helps with feeling like being a part of a growing community, but I know that's not exactly an easy task, and it only makes the whole search harder.
At the end of the day though, luck will play a large part. 2 servers I'm really happy with are 4chan adjacent for gods sake, how that happened it would be hard to explain. Pure luck that a group of semi normal and decent people joined those discords at a specific point in time when they were available to join. One of them being a discord for a group of people that look for private servers of an old korean mmo, that I don't even play. It's funny how things work out sometimes. Along with it being luck based there's just one more thing - when you open access to everyone, when there's a low barrier to entry, you're bound to have a bad time.
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos, King of the Hill
Reading:
Invisible Women, Caroline Criado-Perez
Playing:
Menma's TERA
Don't want to stick around sad topics to much, so time to move on. I'm playing Tera (again), but this time on a private server. Dear god, it's so good. The whole community must be on some kind of a euphoria high, because the server seems to be well maintained, so many users came back and people even talk!! in dungeons. The last 2 years where I'd play on and off in the retail versions people wouldn't even say tyfp when done with the dungeon. Radio silence. Or they'd talk in russian if they were from the russian server. A lot of my old guild came back too, which makes me happy. A lot of dungeons are currently available and it's fun to relearn stuff with old players, honestly I'm having a blast. Gearing is easy, the main thing to grind for is the costumes and some mount buff. You can even grind for the premium sub. Fun times, honestly. Retail version is closing in a few weeks and I haven't even bothered logging on yet, I'll probably log on the closing day. The publisher messed up by giving this server wide cooldown reduction buff or something, so you can't even enjoy dungeons in a proper way the last days you're able to play. As a result of that, the game is totally deserted. I hope this private server stays for a while, because it's truly nice.
Yesterday my boyfriend had a day off work, so we went to the beach and to some fancy seafood restaurant my dad recommended us, because he saw it on some obscure tv channel he loves to watch lately lmao. We decided to order something neither of us ate before, which was kind of a mistake. You had crabs, mussels, shrimps and calamari in some kind of a coconut sauce with curry and something else. While I absolutely love seafood, I didn't like this because of the sauce. Ahhhh. The experience of having to eat and clean crabs is not something I'd like to do again, unless it's a bigger crab. These small ones were annoying to clean. Mussels were fine, I never tried them before, but the sauce overtook any taste they'd have lol. I realized I'm very picky with sauces and it completely makes or breaks a dish for me, which kind of sucks in restaurants because you never know what you'll get. But we're coping by saying "at least we gained a new experience". Next time if we go there, we'll just get some baked fish and fried calamari mmm. I'm still in love with an octopus I ate like 10 years ago, prepared in a proper Mediterranean way by the landlord of an apartment we were renting for the summer. Now that was the shit. Oh and I got badly sunburnt. I don't think I ever got so sunburnt, in fact. Funny because nowadays I'm a lot more careful and use good spf creams, but I guess I didn't put enough on my back when we were leaving. My neck is killing me too. At least my face isn't sunburnt at all, thank you La Roche Possay Anthelios Fluid (tm). Now I'm just slathering aloe vera gel and hoping for the best. It's funny because it was only 23ish outside, but the sun was just brutal. Despite that, we had a lot of fun walking around and people watching. Being near the sea is amazing too, it's funny that I haven't been to the sea at all since I came here and it's just 30 mins away. Bought some patterned socks for my sister, because I know she loves that. I'll mismatch them and give her a pair, and myself a pair. Now I have to think of something to cook for lunch today, gbye.
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos, King of the Hill
Reading:
Invisible Women, Caroline Criado-Perez
Playing:
TERA
My mom sent us a message this morning to tell us that she was put to sleep yesterday. Our neighbor, who we shared her with, took her to the vet. For the past few months she has been a bit sick with a respiratory infection, and sadly it got worse. She got a transfusion, some injections but it seems it didn't help much and she was greatly weakened. The vet said putting her down would be the best choice so she wouldn't suffer. She had an amazing life, she truly did. She was a happy cat, and the whole neighbourhood knew her and loved her. I found her, 16 years ago, when I was in the 3rd grade of elementary. I was out with my best friend that day, and we took her to my building which is why my neighbor adopted her. Since that day we've shared her and she spent an equal amount of time in our apartment and in her apartment. She did what she wanted, she visited whenever she wanted, and her life was truly her own. Ironically, she died on my friends birthday, the friend I found her with. I believe she was born in spring, and she died in spring. My little May Queen. Maybe at some point I will share images of her in my gallery, but right now I won't, as it is too hard to look at them. I love her so much. What hurts the most is that I am 2000 kilometers away. I just had a feeling she would leave me when I left her. It is killing me inside.
Mood:
Watching:
King of the Hill
Reading:
Goodybe Tsugumi, Banana Yoshimoto
Playing:
Nothing
But nevermind him. I fear neocities might get an even bigger horde of twittertards than before, and I don't think I want that. Not that I already don't have mild dislike for a portion of the current userbase, but I don't engage in the community aspect of neocities much so it probably won't matter, I hope. Well, in the end, how other people choose to use neocities is none of my concern but ah, I hate the hypocrisy in "I made this site to get away from social media because it's bad, but here's a link to 10 of my other social media accounts ^^". I am just a big hater, it is what it is.
Mood:
Watching:
King of the Hill
Reading:
If I Had Your Face, Frances Cha
Playing:
Nyothing
Seeing some posts today I got reminded of that trashy anime I wrote a whole manifesto about, my dress up darling or whatever. I can't believe I wrote that after the first episode came out, and I knew exactly how it was going to go. I predicted the infatuation people would have with it. Ahhh it's perfect for this generation of teens, truly, truly perfect. I think I would have loved it too if I was a teen. The girl is such a "licherally me" character I totally understand why everyone is so into it. She's cool ;)), HOT body ;)), plays hentai games!! ;)), and EVEn cosplays them ;))). God it's so funny. By choosing to identify with her, you're truly letting every boy around know just how cool and lewd you are. I WANT TO FIT IN WITH THE BOYSSSSSSSSS, GIRLS CAN BE PERVERTS TOOOOO AHHHHH. Those were the thoughts of 14 year old me, browsing /a/. Kind of. I was always too scared of bringing attention to myself (thank you lord) so I quickly grew out of it and never attention whored. But the performance stayed for a while because of my ex, and some of the weeby friends we had at that time. I obviously had to be the pervy anime girlfriend. It sucks, this role you have to fill as a teenage girl into anime. When you're surrounded by so many sexualised depictions of 2d girls you feel the need to pretend you're into them too. Or like, you totally don't mind boys talking about them! Ah it's so pathetic. I was pathetic. I wish I was an unapologetic fujo and bl enjoyer, but I kind of lost track of weeby female spaces post 2008 so I just ended up on /a/. That's what's interesting about the femc of that anime, her weeby interests are perfectly catering to males. Usually as a weeby girl, you're going to be into some stuff boys generally aren't. Whether it be otoge, shojo, those villainess and romance webtoons, weeby sims 4 cc, yaoi, bl, those male va cds, boy bands in kpop and jpop, dressup games etc. All these generally do not cater to men. But I didn't see her into any of that. She's just a perfect nerd for the male audience, while also being more assertive to make her seem more progressive, but also of course she's apparently a virgin. Ugh ugh ugh. Actually kind of unironically thank god for Jojo because I got really into it right before the anime came out so I could gush about male characters more without it being "boring FEMALE anime :eyeroll:". Anyway if you see someone coping and seething about this anime outside of my site, please think of me. I'm trying not to rage about it on too many sites... Don't wanna be seen as desperate y'know... But it's truly such trash.
One last thing, I went to check MAL reviews and the most popular ones were very negative. INCHERESTING, which makes me wonder, how the fuck is this shit so popular if even the weebs with mediocre taste dislike it lmao.
And so, my sickness cucked me out of finishing KareKano. I wrote 70% of the review already, I'm just waiting for the final few episodes so I can publish it. I couldn't even read my book, I just stared at TikTok all day. Something I don't usually do, but now I truly couldn't do anything else. At least I munched on some bread now, hoping it won't come out of either end sooner than it should. My brain is too foggy to write down anything else, good night.
Mood:
Watching:
His and Her Circumstances
Reading:
Eileen
Playing:
Nothing
Quickly after the announcement and me sliding into old discords to talk about Tera I got reminded of why I don't like talking to le smug 4chan gaymers about anything. I'm too lazy to even go into the details of the conversation because it was so tiring, but multiple times it happened where I would say "Yeah, x thing was really shitty" only to get a reply "inserts definition of x here". What?? I was already taking about x, obviously I know what the definition of it is? Why are you telling me this? Not to mention the distortions of definitions to fit your own made up parameters despite those definitions claiming otherwise, for example what is maintenance mode. A quick google search would tell you that maint mode refers to a state in the softwares (in this case games) life when no more updates are received, no new content, just maintenance and eventual bug fixes. Yet I have to argue over this simple definition "because I think it was in maint mode". OK, well that's just like, your opinion man!!! Jesus christ. I can't believe I used to spend hours arguing about this game on 4chan, it used to get on my nerves so much, but I'd keep coming back to it because this game was the one thing I knew I was mostly right about lmao. Glad I grew out of that phase. Anyway it's funny if you visit the /v/ thread about TERA dying right now, there's still so many people posting there that played Tera with 4chan guilds Touch Fluffy Tail and No Fun Allowed a whole decade ago. Truly there's no running away from that god forsaken imageboard.
Am I really sad though? I don't know. I said goodbye to this game many years ago when my guild initially died, and even though I came back to it here and there I don't think it could ever match my initial experience. I met some great people afterwards too but the feeling just wasn't the same. Nothing will ever match this mmo for me, at least not in the combat department. Besides, I'm much too old now to spend so much time playing MMO's, I'd truly have to abandon all my interests for it again, which I don't want to do. I will probably join this game on its last day to see the servers get shut down, and I'll try to record it. Goodbye for now, TERA. Time to nap and read.
Mood:
Watching:
His and Her Circumstances
Reading:
Eileen, Ottessa Moshfegh
Playing:
Nothing
Let's rant a bit. What's on the menu.. let's see... Ah the it's young zoomers again. On this stupid site I still frequent, a new unofficial rule dropped. If you're white, you're not allowed to use a japanese name as your username. That's how it started, but it ended with - "you're not allowed to have a username that does not belong to your culture." What is wrong with kids lmao. I bet 90% of them don't even realize their real names probably don't belong to their culture. They don't realize how OBSESSED asians are with engrish. Dude like who cares. They're really obsessed with this "fetishization of asian (mainly japanese and korean of course tho) cultures", which like, on a certain level I GET it but at some point you take it too far. A little 12 year old weeb screaming totemo kawaii and watching whatever is popular right now isn't really going to hurt anyone... Being a bit disrespectful as a child is normal, children lack tact. Now if you're a 35 year old male sexpat exploiting victims of human trafficking that's another story, but mostly kids don't even talk or are aware of these problems. Japanese "fetishize" Paris to the point a whole syndrome was invented because of it, yet nobody on these forums mentions that. It's all about not making the uguu Japanese MINORITIES feel safe and comfortable uwu, which in and of itself is so patronizing. Please don't call yourself xXAoi_SoraXx" it makes me literally shake and cry because of how disrespectful you are!! It is simply impossible to gatekeep these things. Cultures have been shared since humans invented the concept of it lmao. Truly. Look around your room and you'll find it's full of things that would not exist had it not been for xyz culture. God I can't imagine being this close-minded. The worst thing is the adults on these websites are totally agreeing with them and fueling the fire. And don't get me started on the non-human concept dear lord. When I was a kid, yes it was normal to larp as a werewolf zombie vampire on forums. But now it's a whole identity called "non-humanism", and it means you're suffering from delusions therefore nobody is allowed to reality check you lmao. But also they're not allowed to call you a "person" or any human like terms because it will quite literally trigger you. And it's a genius thing really. Becuause this site is SO SO hateful to white, cis and straight kids like you wouldn't believe, so those kids instead made use of this newfound term, and now they can easily do a uno reverse and start screaming at a poor black girl newbie "DON'T CALL ME GIRL YOU ABLEIST MONSTER" and you can send a horde of enraged users at a child, nobody will think that's racially motivated anymore, heh. Truth is, unless you're a trans, bi, black, disabled, nonhuman, mentally ill, autistic "being" as they call themselves, you'll have a hard time. So this site is just opression olympics, all the time. Thank god I learned self restraint, and I do not interact with anyone in the forums anymore, I just lurk. Still, I can't believe a site like this exists in this day and age. And the adults on it are encouraging this. The ones that didn't were wiped out a long time ago, for being bigots. Lmao.
Mood:
Watching:
His and Her Circumstances
Reading:
Eileen, Ottessa Moshfegh
Playing:
Nothing
I think the soap tasting flour saga has been resolved! I decided to make bread with the leftover flour and I followed some simple recipe. Frankly, it asked for too much water and I feel like the dough didn't rise that well and it was too sticky. I used to be a pro with bread making in high school because of our, let's call it internship, but I totally forgot the ratios :(. Also we forgot to buy a scale so I have to wing it. Anyway, the bread ended up looking quite nice in the end so I'm happy with that, but I wish it was a bit more fluffier! I was so excited to try it that I couldn't wait until it cooled down. I tried it and... soap. Oh god the soap. This time I was determined to find out why, since now I know for sure it's the flour. Searching for a few minutes, I found out that storage matters a lot when it comes to flour. After all it's stored in thin paper containers and it's a powder so it absorbs smells REALLY easily. It must've been next to some detergent or soap in the warehouse before being put on a shelf in the store. Really disappointing. I feel like I won't be buying flour in that store anymore. I'm not a big fan of that grocery store anyway, because they're so lacking in everything. Anyway, the bread tastes like soap, extremely so, but you can't feel it that much when you eat it along with the meal, or with nutella on it so it's not that terrible I guess. I hate to be the one to waste food so I'll eat as much of it as I can. I'm also just a tad disappointed with this toaster oven. It takes long to bake things in it, everything takes 20 minutes longer than it should. Also I have no way of knowing when it's finished preheating. Currently I'm baking some potatoes for the first time in it, and they've been at it for almost an hour and half, still not soft enough, which prompted me to write in the diary to kill some time. The induction heater is amazing on the other hand. You can't have everything! I've been rereading some of my old writings and stuff, I really liked the "The Shut-in Newlywed" review, I really went all out there huh. I wrote it quite nicely too (nice meaning by my standards which are on the floor), sometimes I'm impressed with myself. Currently, I'm a housewife, kind of. I don't hate is as much as I thought I would, and besides if you know you always have a way out I think it's an alright way to live. You just need to be prepared in case something happens. Have enough for a plane ticket, in my case. Of course I love my boyfriend insanely so, and trust him just as much, but being dependant on someone so much is never that good. People can do a 180, and you'd never expect it. So far, so good in my case at least.
This ended on a paranoid note lol.
Nevermind it didn't, because I have to write one thing that confuses me. I have a problem with images, when I set their width to idk, 300, and originally their width was 500 they look incredibly janky and I'm not sure why. Never had that problem before until now. Writing this here so I don't forget to find a solution lmao.
Mood:
Watching:
His and Her Circumstances
Reading:
Nothing
Playing:
Dressup games
First things first, I overexfoliated. A bit embarrassing, really. I never thought I'd make a mistake like that because I'm pretty meticulous about my skincare routine but there, it happened. I decided to try out glycolic acid. For a year already I had it on my to try list. I bought it on a whim after hearing Inkey List's version was good, and I used it. Used it... 3 or 4 nights in a row. I started feeling a little irritated on the 3rd night but I used it again for good measure. Now I've got flaming red cheeks, and I feel so dumb. I guess the back of the box kind of tricked me as it says to use in a PM routine, but not how often. When I googled it, it said to absolutely use it only couple of times a week and not every night. Ah, I feel dumb for not googling that before my first use. Especially because I read it before (a longer while ago) but just ignored it. Live and learn. I just hope I didn't ruin my moisture barrier, but on the brightside my face feels less greasy.
The uni friend (the one who really loves his job) who ghosted my whole friend group including me has appeared again. He apologized for not being in contact with us, and that he was really depressed and on the verge of suicide. Because I check up on his twitter every once in a while, I know life hasn't been the kindest to him, his dog died. It's devastating to lose a pet you've had your whole life. Still, despite his sincerity, a mean part of me doesn't really trust him. He is always very sincere in his wording and I don't know, full of empty promises. I feel as if I've burnt myself so I find it hard to trust him again. I am looking forward to seeing him again this summer, if it happens. He's a fun guy after all. That said, I finally figured out who his style of writing in English reminds me of. Contrapoints lmao. Just in general he writes in this woke chill verbose millennial way. I admire his english skills and I'd say he's definitely got me beat there because his brain just seems to find appropriate words better in our native language as well. But oh man, this realization is a bit of an ick.
I made some roasted chicken today. It was pretty similar in taste to my moms cooking, but I added a bit of rosemary. Rosemary always makes me feel like I'm eating food at my countries seaside, and it's a herb my mom doesn't use much. Still, I always compare if my cooking tastes similar to hers because it makes me feel most at home. If the food tastes like mom's food = no upset stomach. It's been working so far, I also made Macedonian style baked beans using her recipe.
I'll start making the book page now. I wanted to add all sorts of dressup sites to the "random sites" page and tell a bit about each of them.
I'm annoyed by my frequent use of "also" and "just". I often think to myself it's the easiest way to clock me by on various anonymous sites. I try to mask my writing style, but I think I slip up too often. A bit paranoid I know.
Mood:
Watching:
Sopranos, King of the Hill
Reading:
Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto
Playing:
Sims 4
These past few days I've spent countless hours on archived geocities pages, I probably went through more than 500 pages. Of course I went through the weeby ones, and I love seeing the most popular anime of a certain online era. Some totally fall off the popularity list like Fushigi Yugi and City Hunter while some stay as household names to this day like Sailor Moon and Evangelion. I love all the Candy Candy dedicated pages. But seriously though, there's too much Sailor Moon, I'm impressed it still holds up so well and little zoomies love their sailor moon aesthetic pics as much as anyone else.
Yesterday me and my boyfriend went to his work friends wedding. He's not a close friend or anything but he was invited. It was a huge wedding, and the second wedding I ever went to. When I was a kid my mom never took me to her friends weddings because she knew I'd be bored. And boy was she right. I really hate weddings. They're so boring. I think weddings are nice only for the most immediate family and friends, everyone else is just there to eat food. And eat food we did. The food was tasty but the loud music and being asked to dance every 5 minutes by my bf's other work colleagues balanced it out. Neither me or my boyfriend dance, nor are we well versed in this.. don't know how to call it, ceremonial part of life? It's like both of us don't belong to our cultures. I'm glad I met someone like that because I'm tired of always having to explain myself. I don't remember if I talked about this before but when you're kind of strange some people will swear up and down to you how they "don't fit in" and they totally don't like anything normies do and they're so different in order to make you feel at ease? I'm not sure what it is. I had this happen more than once, so I know it's not an isolated incident. I remember drinking in high school with a group of people, one of them being this girl in a different grade I didn't know that well. We talked about music we listened to, and I mentioned how I'm always embarrassed at these kind of ocassions when everyone is drinking because I literally know z e r o turbofolk songs and it makes me feel out of place when everyone is happy, drunk and singing. She said "omg me too!!! I HATE turbofolk SO MUCH!!! everyone listens to it and I feel like such a weirdo for not liking it...", 10 minutes later she's literally dancing on the table, screaming her lungs out on every song lol. And honestly here, people that are a part of any subculture, they can dress however and act however, they truly will know turbofolk and always crank out the classics when enough alcohol has been drunk. I guess it's kind of a bonding experience, it's kind of a cultural thing, and it brings everyone together. But I feel like I'm the only one that sticks to my principles, no matter how autistic this sounds. When I say I don't enjoy this kind of music, I truly don't. I don't know the lyrics, I'm not interested. So I'm always anxious about appearing as this pompous killjoy asshole at any kind of gathering. LUCKILY I have an extensive knowledge of ex-yu rock and -some- local "trash" (basically just.. pop party hits lol) music as we call it so I can at least kind of sing along when everyones shitfaced. But still, more often than not the music will be turbofolk. Well this took an unexpected turn lol. Anyway, it's why I'm really glad about my best friend, because she's honest with me. She's spent her life being more social than me and she doesn't ever act like she has to tiptoe? around me being more of an autist and I truly appreciate it. When talking about this topic of turbofolk she didn't hesitate to say she knows a couple of songs, but dislikes the most. And it was true! Her whole group of friends truly loves 3-4 pretty entertaining songs and that's it lmao. I hate when people lie about small shit like this.